Old photographs and expectations

I was running through my computer looking for something when I came across some old photos. Some tell stories I would rather remember and others tell stories I would rather forget. As a teenager I was obsessed with selfies before they were even called that.

Winning a dance competition at university

A bad wig.

Photographs give you a snapshot and a moment. Alongside this some people I went to school with are organising a school reunion. Also I am at a stage in life where I am still deciding what to focus on aside from God the obvious answer whilst I am praying through the next season I am working in a shop. I like retail work and everyone is really friendly and lovely. Whilst I evaluate what God has for me next I am loving the people in front of me which in retail is really straight forward to do.

It has made me think about the last 10 or so years since I was a teenager and everything that has happened since I passed my GCSEs and there was prom ( see picture) and everything changed. I have found Jesus and given my life to him. I have preached on three continents and once on TV. I have seen more in my life than most people will ever see and I am not even 30 yet. I have loved and I have lost, I have made huge mistakes and I have changed people's lives for the better. I know more than I did then about almost everything except perhaps MSN and My space!
I suppose in many ways my life now is not what I imagined it would be. I am not married I don't even have a career well not in the conventional sense in fact I have turned down more career opportunities than I have taken. Doors that have shut of their own accord or because they weren't right or because God had something better.

Yes they say a picture says a thousand words but it also hides some.
Take this picture of me at university in my halls first year ( right) this smile hides the fact by this point I had attempted suicide many times and I was up to my eyeballs on anti depressants and barely eating anything. That I was in an abusive and destructive relationship desperate for love and connection. I was convinced they would realise I was a fraud and a fake who got into university by dumb luck and had a learning difficulty which no one understood I barely did at the time. But of course you don't see that do you not in that smile. I am no longer in that position. For that I am thankful. I wasn't a Christian in this photo I didn't truly understand what it meant to be a daughter of God. I was trying to stay afloat in a world which was trying to drown me. That picture in the prom dress came after I lost a lot of family and friends that year through death. Two grandparents in one weekend. Another close relative on the day of my geography and maths exams. Knowing that taints the picture right The smile goes from natural to fake in your mind.

It made me wonder of all the people I have as friends on social media of all the people I meet how many are dressing the windows so no one will look too closely inside the house. Most people I look at the pictures on Facebook and I buy it. Between the proposals and baby announcements, moving into a new house and new jobs the shared posts and the weird thoughts It made me realise that maybe a picture does say a thousand words but it doesn't mean those words are the truth. Joy is a choice. Love is a choice. Contentment is a choice. I have long used words as a barrier as a shield. I learned a long time ago if you say a lot and share a lot of yourself people won't ask difficult questions, people will think you are an open book when really the things you keep close to your chest are the things that would be shocking, would be enough to shake them and change their perception of you.

I suppose that I can only say this that God loves the journey. God loves us where we are at and he loves to grow us. He isn't in for short spurts but the long haul. I am a better person than the one who left school I am not that depressed barely alive girl any more. I have changed. I have grown in character and in love. If I could have chosen the route perhaps this wouldn't have been the way I would have chosen but the process that has made me who I am and who knows maybe when I look at more recent pictures like this one (left) taken this summer. I will be able to say that I am glad I have grown and that I know who I am now, that I love everything that God has taught me and that I trust his road. Who knows what 2016 will bring and who knows what I will learn but I am in it for the journey wherever God may lead me.