Emmanuel - God with us.
I guess you probably expected me to post again on the 23rd and I did expect to post but someone needed me and I was the only person close enough to help her. So you would be right I had intended the three days leading up to christmas but well a friend in need is more important than anything on a computer- sorry but to me it is. I count my real friends not my face book friends. So I think this post will be posted Christmas eve and the third perhaps on boxing day.
God is with, in and for us. This year I heard a theologian speak these words at the beginning of this year in London. ( Or at least I think they were these words) because God seems to have a bad rap sheet. and he ( an american preacher with his own specifically nuanced theology) I even read the book to go with it. but whether or not you agree with him theologically on any points at all as a christian or a non christian the fact still remains that God is with us, Emmanuel the person of Christ Jesus if god is all powerful and all present then it would make sense to say he is around us. But being present is not the same as being with someone as any person who has ever felt the pang of unrequited love would tell you.
God being with us isn't just about him showing up but its about him wanting relationship with us. Regardless of whether or not you are a Christian God persues you ( not I might add in a stalkerish or weird way) he loves us each so much he wants us to know him and to speak to him about stuff. Someone I met recently said to me ' I am not like you Allie I haven't got God to talk to about the S that happens in my life' it jarred with me because the truth was he had. God was with him through it all, God still is desperately seeking to be in relationship with him as he has been every day since he was born.Thing is my friend he just can't see it- he doesn't notice.
I like to think about being in relationship with God is like going on a long walk with others cross country. I am a keen hiker and I love to be out - not in the rain mind- walking. The thing is when you go on these walks if you go with friends or family you talk along the way you build relationship. God is with us on our life walk, sometimes we are silent and listen to him ( like when we read his word or seek his face) sometimes he is silent and we talk and sometimes we are both silent. But in our culture its like many people are listening to their music or watching stuff on their phone as they walk through life and just don't notice him and he loves them way too much to like tap them on the shoulder and say ' hey I am walking with you.'. If you know anything about rambling or hiking you know that well its a sociable thing. how can you see the beauty that surrounds you if you are on your phone or whatever how can you enjoy it. How can you see the dangers. how can you know where you are going. So maybe it is a long winded slightly tenuous analogy but God walks with us whether we choose it or not and he is the one with the map and the compass!
God with us is a promise Emmanuel is spoken about because Jesus is alive now on the cusp of 2014 as much as he was in 6BC when Mary gave birth... and even before that. Moreover, God isn't with us just because he is in us, he was with us before we chose him. In my last post I spoke about the prophets this is what it says about God with us in the person of Jesus.
The propehcy
Isiaiah 9: And you shall call his name... Emmanuel god with us.
Zecariah 2:10-13
10 “Shout and be glad, Daughter Zion. For I am coming, and I will live among you,” declares the Lord. 11 “Many nations will be joined with the Lord in that day and will become my people. I will live among you and you will know that theLord Almighty has sent me to you. 12 The Lord will inherit Judah as his portion in the holy land and will again choose Jerusalem. 13 Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.” (NIV)
This year I have really noticed the word Emmanuel, its really hit me God is with us. not just in the birth and person of jesus although that is important but god is with us its not just about the fact that God is in us because God is with us he chose to make us ( this' us' means those who have chosen to be his children) living vessels of his presence. Where I go God goes not just because he is in me' Christ in me the hope of Glory...' ' you are a temple of the Holy Spirit.'. but because he is with me. I have often when re living and remembering difficult moment in my life imagined Jesus in the memory. Having my friend there with me makes it less horrible helps the healing because he was there in the good moments and the bad.
Its kind of crazy if you think about it that the God who made the universe " he made the stars also" kind of God that each star in space was worth noting down as an aside in the creation narrative he breathed would want to share each of our tiny and momentary existences with us is kind of breath-taking. God who spoke and there was life would want to speak to us, walk with us, is remarkable really. God with us, Emmanuel, is kind of breathtaking.
God is not with me just when I lay hands on the sick and pray in Jesus name that they be well or when I speak a word of truth over someone. he is with me when I'm in the shower or stocking shelves at the shop where I work. God is with me always. Its my choice whether I include him in what I do or not.
Perhaps there is one question on your lips why? why is God with us? I have prayed about it and of course there are many reasons but I think its because he wants to be with us, he wants to be in us and he wants to be for us. That is quite shocking until you realise God is love and our god the name above all names is a relational God one who designed us in Eden to ' walk with him in the cool of the day'
May you know God with you today and always
Tuesday 24 December 2013
Sunday 22 December 2013
Christmas 2013: A Christ foretold.
I am currently doing an internhsip program/ discipleship year and working part time in an amazing shop. I realise I haven't posted in a while which is kind of stupid because last week we did a spiritual gifts inventory and two of my top scores were artisan and writer. Which has made it rather obvious to me that I have not painted nor written in some time which is denying what god has placed within me...
Therefore I am going to be blogging over the next few days on the things that God has challenged me on this Christmas:
A Christ foretold ( the prophetic surrounding christ's life as the turning point of human history)
And he shall be called Emmanuel - God with us.( the amazing truth of a God whom dwelt amonst us and is with, for and in us.)
Mary's Boy Child - how our culture seeks to keep Jesus as a baby.
and maybe something else if God challenges me more...
There is no point in human history that has been spoken more about (before during and after) than Jesus life thirty three years that changed everything. None, not even the year 2000, space travel or tv remakes of the medieval period.
We live in the post modern era where truth is relative and well everyone's opinion is well, equally valid and if you are vehement about any truth it is seen as a negative thing that you are imposing your opinion on others ( and as all opinions are equal well that isn't the done thing). The truth is that we don't get it. the whole prophesyed king part, firstly because there is on the whole exponentially less historical evidence as you get further back in history ie we have lots of sources from the twentieth century but very few from say the sixth Century BCE. This means that we tend to see history in larger blocks the further we go back. The prophet Isaiah spoke around 700 years before the birth of jesus (Isaiah 9 amongst others) we don't think about it as that long and even the prophet Daniel was proclaiming 400 years before. its like Thomas Aquinas in the 1200s talking about methodist Wesley or Martin Luther ( the german reformer) discussing Justin Welby or pope Francis or proclaiming the birth of Prince George. Obviously Jesus ministry is more important than all of these combined and they themselves would agree with that except prince G who can't speak yet being as he is 6 months old... but still we don't think about it like that as it is all in such distant past we don't count it. Now there are some things about your life and ministry that you can control but there is no way Jesus could have controlled the cirmstances around his birth... I mean come on - no one chooses where they are born or that their mum was 'knocked up' by the holy spirit.
So why would God do it? why would God give us all the clues... well in a way it is obvious so we knew that there was no denying this was him. The long awaited messiah. That his life was the pinnacle of human history. It kind of makes it undenable - beyond post modernist reasoning beyond relative truth one life stands the most foretold and the odds of him fulfilling every single prophecy that is billions to one possibility of happening (which is crazier odds than it being a white Christmas every year for a decade!) therefore it has to be of God.
... the people who have walked in darkness have seen a great light ( I am the light of the world)....a virgin shall concieve and bear a son ( how can this be since I am a virgin)... out of you bethlehem a future ruler will come from you (so joseph went from nazereth to the town of bethlehem in Judea)... a shepherd to his people ( I am the good shepherd).... the house and line of david ( david begot... joseph)... I will remove this land's sin on a single day ( Christ died for us so that we should not perish but have eternal life)....
There are hundreds of them literally. The mesmerising truth that God loved us so much he put a big pointing arrow throughout all of scripture... look here is my son with whom I am well pleased ( Yep God is down with the street lingo). He died to reconcile us back into the heart of God and that my friends is the true Christmas miracle.
Therefore I am going to be blogging over the next few days on the things that God has challenged me on this Christmas:
A Christ foretold ( the prophetic surrounding christ's life as the turning point of human history)
And he shall be called Emmanuel - God with us.( the amazing truth of a God whom dwelt amonst us and is with, for and in us.)
Mary's Boy Child - how our culture seeks to keep Jesus as a baby.
and maybe something else if God challenges me more...
A Christ Foretold
As someone who would call themselves, if anything, a Historian with a BA(hons) to prove it. The fact that hundreds ( arguably thousands) of years before that bethlehem night so many of God's prophets ( God's mouthpieces) were proclaiming almost every aspect of Christ Jesus' birth is astounding to me ( notably the only thing missing was the date unless of course you count Daniel's gold head Dan 8-9). Not because it isn't in God's power to do so but that God would. Think about it, of course God knew as he knows the date, time,circumstance and place of all births ( lives and deaths ) in creation. But that he bothered to share something so great with his children, even if they didn't understand it, astounds me. If nothing else in the bible (and believe me a lot does) tell you that God cares about people that he told his people that hope was coming is kind of crazy. Sure some of the prophecies are nothing if a little tenuous if you don't know much about Jesus life and ministry or you have read Jesus life and ministry with your own agenda ( Isaiah 61- if you are reading the prosperity gospel will make no sense!)There is no point in human history that has been spoken more about (before during and after) than Jesus life thirty three years that changed everything. None, not even the year 2000, space travel or tv remakes of the medieval period.
We live in the post modern era where truth is relative and well everyone's opinion is well, equally valid and if you are vehement about any truth it is seen as a negative thing that you are imposing your opinion on others ( and as all opinions are equal well that isn't the done thing). The truth is that we don't get it. the whole prophesyed king part, firstly because there is on the whole exponentially less historical evidence as you get further back in history ie we have lots of sources from the twentieth century but very few from say the sixth Century BCE. This means that we tend to see history in larger blocks the further we go back. The prophet Isaiah spoke around 700 years before the birth of jesus (Isaiah 9 amongst others) we don't think about it as that long and even the prophet Daniel was proclaiming 400 years before. its like Thomas Aquinas in the 1200s talking about methodist Wesley or Martin Luther ( the german reformer) discussing Justin Welby or pope Francis or proclaiming the birth of Prince George. Obviously Jesus ministry is more important than all of these combined and they themselves would agree with that except prince G who can't speak yet being as he is 6 months old... but still we don't think about it like that as it is all in such distant past we don't count it. Now there are some things about your life and ministry that you can control but there is no way Jesus could have controlled the cirmstances around his birth... I mean come on - no one chooses where they are born or that their mum was 'knocked up' by the holy spirit.
So why would God do it? why would God give us all the clues... well in a way it is obvious so we knew that there was no denying this was him. The long awaited messiah. That his life was the pinnacle of human history. It kind of makes it undenable - beyond post modernist reasoning beyond relative truth one life stands the most foretold and the odds of him fulfilling every single prophecy that is billions to one possibility of happening (which is crazier odds than it being a white Christmas every year for a decade!) therefore it has to be of God.
... the people who have walked in darkness have seen a great light ( I am the light of the world)....a virgin shall concieve and bear a son ( how can this be since I am a virgin)... out of you bethlehem a future ruler will come from you (so joseph went from nazereth to the town of bethlehem in Judea)... a shepherd to his people ( I am the good shepherd).... the house and line of david ( david begot... joseph)... I will remove this land's sin on a single day ( Christ died for us so that we should not perish but have eternal life)....
There are hundreds of them literally. The mesmerising truth that God loved us so much he put a big pointing arrow throughout all of scripture... look here is my son with whom I am well pleased ( Yep God is down with the street lingo). He died to reconcile us back into the heart of God and that my friends is the true Christmas miracle.
Sunday 17 November 2013
once upon a Christian dating fairytale
As a mid twenties single Christian girl the world of dating and relationships looks a little crazy and I often wonder how we manage to get so well funny about it. When I talk to my non Christian friends they are all on the whole getting on with it. Where as we are like giggly teenagers ' you like him ...' like we are fourteen or something sat in the back of class passing notes. The thing that no one really talks about in all this is the Christian fairytale; how and how much we buy into it. So many of my friends first relationships ( more than a few dates I mean) have failed. Its just well normal the Christian fairytale is a culture and its one the devil uses to discourage us.
For those of you whom are not acquainted with this fairytale it goes a little like this. girl meets boy at youth group/Christian festival/ Gap year/ University CU and at first sight God says to them ' this one your gonna marry this one!" then you date in a pure and honourable way ( kissing with tongues optional) two weeks in you realise that this is the person you will marry! after seven months or after you turn 18 you get engaged. Just after you graduate you marry and by the time you are 30 you own a house and have 2 children ( Dog or Cat are optional).
Single graduates don't fit into that idyll they just don't especially considering I haven't exactly had the best relationship past. So I met a guy when I was 17 in the fairytale approved setting of a Christian retreat we started going out when I was 18 but the thing is that well he was Catholic and they don't have the same fairytale. Therefore at every milestone in the fairy tale when things didn't happen as the fairytale stated I would be frustrated. Especially considering that one of my best friends had (at first glace) the whole kit and kaboodle ( not the kids yet!). When my Ex and I had been dating for 2 years and there was no engagement people gave me funny looks I felt judged I felt like I was ruining the beginning of a perfectly good fairytale. Which lets be honest is ridiculous so when people asked I was quick to assure them that as he had another year of his degree after I had finished we were waiting... blah. It hurt reading on facebook that Amy* and Matt* were engaged ( dating 7 months) or that Jessica* added to her timeline a life event Married Joe Bloggs* (total dating 1 year 5 months), sometimes it still does, to think of what could have been had things been different but as Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's Kingdom', but this pain its not of God its of the enemy. Do you know what looking back I am so thankful that I didn't get engaged to him or marry him which the fairytale would have stated that I would be by now. Whilst my contemporaries were posting engagement and then wedding pictures I had the status Allie B is now single. God didn't want me to marry someone whom was not his best for me and I am very thankful.
Sometimes it feels like I am on the shelf now as a single graduate which is a lie. In my mid twenties I am not on the shelf and the shelf doesn't exist because well God isn't like that and our experience of life shouldn't be about our culture ' don't conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind.' the pattern of this world is any culture that is not of Christ and whilst that fairytale began in a godly Christian place its lost its roots and no where in the bible does it state that ' the eleventh commandment is to be married before you are 25'!
The fairytale is a lie and there is various reasons for it being a lie the first is it makes relationships and dating sound easy which is not the case ( anyone whom is married will tell you that much) the second is that it denies the beauty and variety of human life experience ' the thief comes to steal and to destroy but I have come that they may have life and life to all its fullness.' What about the people whom take 2 years to work with deprived kids in poverty and meet someone when they get home? What about the godly couple that don't meet till their late thirties. How is that any less of God and magical and special? If we buy into the fairytale we are setting ourselves up for a fall because it is the exception and it is by no means the best thing you know. I wouldn't want to be in sleeping beauty not really not if you really think about it a princess in a coma and a prince kisses her then they fall in love and get married. Its a little bit creepy right?
But also two things hit me one is if God is all powerful and all knowing and has it all under control why doesn't it just happen? Think about it don't you think if he wanted to be married then I would be. There must be a reason why not perhaps because I need more healing I need to learn something or that the other person is not in that place yet. Perhaps it could be because he wants me to be more secure in whom I am in Christ before he adds another broken person ( as we all are broken) into the mix. Or another reason that is for my good. Secondly it should be his choice if I marry or not. If we truly live for the kingdom - by and for his will and purposes everything that makes a big impact on our lives should be up to God. Of course we ask seek and knock (Matt 7:7-8) but ultimately I trust whatever is best for his kingdom and for this season.
Psalm 138:8 (ESV) The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Maybe we should chalk the fairytale to culture and just say that is nice but where is its foundation in scripture? What I have been learning recently is that maybe marriage isn't the priority and shouldn't ever be a goal for the Christian life. Surely intimacy with God that is way more valuable and perhaps in that place something might blossom on the marriage front but it would be in a place of godliness not our culture.
For those of you whom are not acquainted with this fairytale it goes a little like this. girl meets boy at youth group/Christian festival/ Gap year/ University CU and at first sight God says to them ' this one your gonna marry this one!" then you date in a pure and honourable way ( kissing with tongues optional) two weeks in you realise that this is the person you will marry! after seven months or after you turn 18 you get engaged. Just after you graduate you marry and by the time you are 30 you own a house and have 2 children ( Dog or Cat are optional).
Single graduates don't fit into that idyll they just don't especially considering I haven't exactly had the best relationship past. So I met a guy when I was 17 in the fairytale approved setting of a Christian retreat we started going out when I was 18 but the thing is that well he was Catholic and they don't have the same fairytale. Therefore at every milestone in the fairy tale when things didn't happen as the fairytale stated I would be frustrated. Especially considering that one of my best friends had (at first glace) the whole kit and kaboodle ( not the kids yet!). When my Ex and I had been dating for 2 years and there was no engagement people gave me funny looks I felt judged I felt like I was ruining the beginning of a perfectly good fairytale. Which lets be honest is ridiculous so when people asked I was quick to assure them that as he had another year of his degree after I had finished we were waiting... blah. It hurt reading on facebook that Amy* and Matt* were engaged ( dating 7 months) or that Jessica* added to her timeline a life event Married Joe Bloggs* (total dating 1 year 5 months), sometimes it still does, to think of what could have been had things been different but as Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's Kingdom', but this pain its not of God its of the enemy. Do you know what looking back I am so thankful that I didn't get engaged to him or marry him which the fairytale would have stated that I would be by now. Whilst my contemporaries were posting engagement and then wedding pictures I had the status Allie B is now single. God didn't want me to marry someone whom was not his best for me and I am very thankful.
Sometimes it feels like I am on the shelf now as a single graduate which is a lie. In my mid twenties I am not on the shelf and the shelf doesn't exist because well God isn't like that and our experience of life shouldn't be about our culture ' don't conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind.' the pattern of this world is any culture that is not of Christ and whilst that fairytale began in a godly Christian place its lost its roots and no where in the bible does it state that ' the eleventh commandment is to be married before you are 25'!
The fairytale is a lie and there is various reasons for it being a lie the first is it makes relationships and dating sound easy which is not the case ( anyone whom is married will tell you that much) the second is that it denies the beauty and variety of human life experience ' the thief comes to steal and to destroy but I have come that they may have life and life to all its fullness.' What about the people whom take 2 years to work with deprived kids in poverty and meet someone when they get home? What about the godly couple that don't meet till their late thirties. How is that any less of God and magical and special? If we buy into the fairytale we are setting ourselves up for a fall because it is the exception and it is by no means the best thing you know. I wouldn't want to be in sleeping beauty not really not if you really think about it a princess in a coma and a prince kisses her then they fall in love and get married. Its a little bit creepy right?
But also two things hit me one is if God is all powerful and all knowing and has it all under control why doesn't it just happen? Think about it don't you think if he wanted to be married then I would be. There must be a reason why not perhaps because I need more healing I need to learn something or that the other person is not in that place yet. Perhaps it could be because he wants me to be more secure in whom I am in Christ before he adds another broken person ( as we all are broken) into the mix. Or another reason that is for my good. Secondly it should be his choice if I marry or not. If we truly live for the kingdom - by and for his will and purposes everything that makes a big impact on our lives should be up to God. Of course we ask seek and knock (Matt 7:7-8) but ultimately I trust whatever is best for his kingdom and for this season.
Psalm 138:8 (ESV) The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Maybe we should chalk the fairytale to culture and just say that is nice but where is its foundation in scripture? What I have been learning recently is that maybe marriage isn't the priority and shouldn't ever be a goal for the Christian life. Surely intimacy with God that is way more valuable and perhaps in that place something might blossom on the marriage front but it would be in a place of godliness not our culture.
Monday 9 September 2013
Presents- why I don't like my birthday.
For most people if you ask what their favourite day of the year is their answer would be their birthday. Course there would be others for whom it would be Christmas or another important date but for most it would be their birthday. I have never liked my birthday.
Its a strange thing to say and it is totally counter cultural but I don't like my birthday especially because of the presents. Now don't get me wrong I am really grateful and I am not putting down people who buy me things and I love them for it but I just don't like getting presents. Its not socially acceptable to say this and I sound like a total brat but its true on lots of levels I really dislike my birthday and presents. I am not saying I dislike birthdays in general because I don't I love other people's birthdays and buying them gifts but not my own. Which might sound hypocritical but its true and I will go on to explain it.
It started as a child when I didn't think I was worthy of what I wanted and because I had really low self esteem and for a while I had to share my birthday with my twin best friends who were in one case louder and the other more lovely than I was. Coupled with the fact that it is in the second week of September It was usually in the first couple of days back at school. I often got away with no one knowing it was my birthday at school except the people I loved.
That is the one redeeming feature of my birthday that people I love are around me or get in contact with me.
Although there is sincerity and love in birthday gifts I never felt it as a child or a teenager because well I now know gifts aren't my love language in fact they are the one language I can't get my head around (Gary Chapman the 5 love languages). Receiving gifts is not something which makes me automatically feel loved. It has taken me years to realise that although I really don't like getting presents I do feel the love and care that someone has taken choosing and buying for me especially when it shows that they really know me because then I know I am loved for who I am that is the bit that makes me feel loved not the gift itself. In other words I have learned how to enjoy it and take it in the spirit of what is given but it is not natural to me.
The social convention of gift giving is to me something our materialistically driven society is cultivating in us that we need to have things to feel loved and secure but its not the case. I am just not materialistic in that way - not that I am not materialistic because we all are to some extent but if our house got blown up with all my stuff in it the things I would mourn would be handwritten cards from my grandma or hoodies from things I have done. The other thing I would mourn are my affirmation books. Because words of affirmation are my love language closely followed by quality time. I would swap a pricey present for a piece of battered, stained card which said barely legibly "Allie I love you because you are....." or a 5 minute coffee chat in a heartbeat. I don't' think I am alone in that, but its not something you say to people or its ok to say aloud because you might be perceived as being ungrateful.
If you don't know what an affirmation book is then I will explain. I went on school retreat three times and at the end of it everyone was given a blank 'book' of sheets of A4 folded in half and stapled with your name on the front and each of your small group would write a message of what they liked about you, what made you you and that was beautiful. I did one of these for a friend of mine for her birthday this year wrote quotes and what made her an amazing friend. I wrote some of it on a train and when I told people what I was doing they thought it was lovely they thought that people stopped doing things like that at like 8. Children know how to express love in the way they receive it.
I think society tells us that we should really love our birthdays because of the presents and the cards and the stuff and having a day that is all about ME. It feeds this culture of materialism and selfcentredness. When you have a birthday often people ask what you got. I am guilty of this but wouldn't it be better to ask ( which is what I usually ask) did you have a good day.
It took me till I was 18 to realise that I don't love my birthday that it isn't a pleasant thing for me to be at the centre of attention. but my birthday isn't all bad because well its a excuse to eat chocolate cake and to see and speak to my friends something we don't do nearly enough. Its taken me the years since I turned 18 to realise that whilst I don't like my birthday because it stirs the selfishness and materialism around and in me God never designed birthdays to be about what you get God designed birthdays ( and this is a bit of a theological leap) to be about community because he designed us to function in community. My favourite parts of my birthday have always been the ones where I have met up with friends to have pizza or go to the cinema, family dinners and notes in my birthday cards.
So this week I officially become a year older than I was last week. This is who I am this is how I feel love I will not apologise for it. I am thankful God made me this way because well I love to be loved and I love to show love.This is one of the reasons I give my very closest friends hand drawn or made presents and cards because it shows at least 3 of the love languages (gifts, acts of service and affirmation) and because I have zero income at the moment. It is why I will post on facebook happy birthday because that takes time.
Its a strange thing to say and it is totally counter cultural but I don't like my birthday especially because of the presents. Now don't get me wrong I am really grateful and I am not putting down people who buy me things and I love them for it but I just don't like getting presents. Its not socially acceptable to say this and I sound like a total brat but its true on lots of levels I really dislike my birthday and presents. I am not saying I dislike birthdays in general because I don't I love other people's birthdays and buying them gifts but not my own. Which might sound hypocritical but its true and I will go on to explain it.
It started as a child when I didn't think I was worthy of what I wanted and because I had really low self esteem and for a while I had to share my birthday with my twin best friends who were in one case louder and the other more lovely than I was. Coupled with the fact that it is in the second week of September It was usually in the first couple of days back at school. I often got away with no one knowing it was my birthday at school except the people I loved.
That is the one redeeming feature of my birthday that people I love are around me or get in contact with me.
Although there is sincerity and love in birthday gifts I never felt it as a child or a teenager because well I now know gifts aren't my love language in fact they are the one language I can't get my head around (Gary Chapman the 5 love languages). Receiving gifts is not something which makes me automatically feel loved. It has taken me years to realise that although I really don't like getting presents I do feel the love and care that someone has taken choosing and buying for me especially when it shows that they really know me because then I know I am loved for who I am that is the bit that makes me feel loved not the gift itself. In other words I have learned how to enjoy it and take it in the spirit of what is given but it is not natural to me.
The social convention of gift giving is to me something our materialistically driven society is cultivating in us that we need to have things to feel loved and secure but its not the case. I am just not materialistic in that way - not that I am not materialistic because we all are to some extent but if our house got blown up with all my stuff in it the things I would mourn would be handwritten cards from my grandma or hoodies from things I have done. The other thing I would mourn are my affirmation books. Because words of affirmation are my love language closely followed by quality time. I would swap a pricey present for a piece of battered, stained card which said barely legibly "Allie I love you because you are....." or a 5 minute coffee chat in a heartbeat. I don't' think I am alone in that, but its not something you say to people or its ok to say aloud because you might be perceived as being ungrateful.
If you don't know what an affirmation book is then I will explain. I went on school retreat three times and at the end of it everyone was given a blank 'book' of sheets of A4 folded in half and stapled with your name on the front and each of your small group would write a message of what they liked about you, what made you you and that was beautiful. I did one of these for a friend of mine for her birthday this year wrote quotes and what made her an amazing friend. I wrote some of it on a train and when I told people what I was doing they thought it was lovely they thought that people stopped doing things like that at like 8. Children know how to express love in the way they receive it.
I think society tells us that we should really love our birthdays because of the presents and the cards and the stuff and having a day that is all about ME. It feeds this culture of materialism and selfcentredness. When you have a birthday often people ask what you got. I am guilty of this but wouldn't it be better to ask ( which is what I usually ask) did you have a good day.
It took me till I was 18 to realise that I don't love my birthday that it isn't a pleasant thing for me to be at the centre of attention. but my birthday isn't all bad because well its a excuse to eat chocolate cake and to see and speak to my friends something we don't do nearly enough. Its taken me the years since I turned 18 to realise that whilst I don't like my birthday because it stirs the selfishness and materialism around and in me God never designed birthdays to be about what you get God designed birthdays ( and this is a bit of a theological leap) to be about community because he designed us to function in community. My favourite parts of my birthday have always been the ones where I have met up with friends to have pizza or go to the cinema, family dinners and notes in my birthday cards.
So this week I officially become a year older than I was last week. This is who I am this is how I feel love I will not apologise for it. I am thankful God made me this way because well I love to be loved and I love to show love.This is one of the reasons I give my very closest friends hand drawn or made presents and cards because it shows at least 3 of the love languages (gifts, acts of service and affirmation) and because I have zero income at the moment. It is why I will post on facebook happy birthday because that takes time.
Monday 19 August 2013
The Ghosts of the Past.
I guess I haven't been writing for a while. This is because of my brokenness. Because I have been back at the parents and I am not coping well with it its been like 2 weeks and I haven't got a job yet and nothing seems to be biting. I just didn't want to be another voice groaning about something online. I didn't trust myself not to rant about the job market or job hunting or being unsure of what is next. to share with you the reason I am not drawing is because I am not feeling happy enough to and I packed my sketchbook and pencils somewhere and still haven't found them because I can't bring myself to unpack because If I do then I am saying that I am staying. I unpacked the one bag I put all the essentials in but nothing more.
Its stupid because I have plenty of self control I have more patience than I ever thought existed. I trust God implicitly so therefore this fear isn't rational but still. Its all broken logic. After 13 or so moved in the last five years I can pack everything up in like an hour. Its totally irrational and I can't think of anything original to say. I have nothing worth sharing except the pain except the fear and the difficulty of living in a place I really don't feel well in nor have I ever. It sucks the life out of me being here. I have to cling onto the fact that it won't be for long.
Then I realised no one talks about the pains that keep them from places from situations. Everyone avoids something for one reason or another. Like when something particular comes up in conversation its the moment to go to the ladies. something I have learnt in this season is that avoiding or failing to get over your past is only ever detrimental to your future.
I walked past my primary school on the way to church tonight and I wondered if that little girl that started school on her fifth birthday would think of the twenty something walking past those gates that seemed like ten feet tall nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes I miss that innocence, that five year old who just wanted to be at school just wanted her life to start. She truth is that I'm not her and she is not me. She was me well more grammatically correct I was her. but now is the only part of my life I can control. My now is what I have to concentrate on no matter how hard it is. The choices we make are always ours and always in the now. So maybe I just need to concentrate on how on earth in this season that is hurting me and draining me so much I can give God glory.
Its stupid because I have plenty of self control I have more patience than I ever thought existed. I trust God implicitly so therefore this fear isn't rational but still. Its all broken logic. After 13 or so moved in the last five years I can pack everything up in like an hour. Its totally irrational and I can't think of anything original to say. I have nothing worth sharing except the pain except the fear and the difficulty of living in a place I really don't feel well in nor have I ever. It sucks the life out of me being here. I have to cling onto the fact that it won't be for long.
Then I realised no one talks about the pains that keep them from places from situations. Everyone avoids something for one reason or another. Like when something particular comes up in conversation its the moment to go to the ladies. something I have learnt in this season is that avoiding or failing to get over your past is only ever detrimental to your future.
I walked past my primary school on the way to church tonight and I wondered if that little girl that started school on her fifth birthday would think of the twenty something walking past those gates that seemed like ten feet tall nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes I miss that innocence, that five year old who just wanted to be at school just wanted her life to start. She truth is that I'm not her and she is not me. She was me well more grammatically correct I was her. but now is the only part of my life I can control. My now is what I have to concentrate on no matter how hard it is. The choices we make are always ours and always in the now. So maybe I just need to concentrate on how on earth in this season that is hurting me and draining me so much I can give God glory.
Saturday 3 August 2013
thoughts about life
7th July (forgot to press post)
I have done something radical. I have banned all negative and unproductive thoughts from entering my domain. I will be positive about this situation and the fact I have two weeks ( ish) left of this internship and still no job to speak of - I have no idea what my next address will be or indeed where it will be in the world but god does. somehow that went from being epically scary to actually being ok. People often say they wish they had my faith. but it goes hand in hand with the doubt and the periods when God either is or feels silent.
I am content being single which is probably a good sign, in fact being single is great - don't get me wrong I still dream of the beautiful family I will have one day but that could be like 10 years away... I pray its closer than that but Its kind of up to God. I like the idea that I haven't had my romance story yet and it will be brilliant.
I have done something radical. I have banned all negative and unproductive thoughts from entering my domain. I will be positive about this situation and the fact I have two weeks ( ish) left of this internship and still no job to speak of - I have no idea what my next address will be or indeed where it will be in the world but god does. somehow that went from being epically scary to actually being ok. People often say they wish they had my faith. but it goes hand in hand with the doubt and the periods when God either is or feels silent.
I am content being single which is probably a good sign, in fact being single is great - don't get me wrong I still dream of the beautiful family I will have one day but that could be like 10 years away... I pray its closer than that but Its kind of up to God. I like the idea that I haven't had my romance story yet and it will be brilliant.
Praying how you were designed to.
14th July (Thought I had pressed post)
We are the body of Christ. Sometimes we forget how important community is. In the last six months I have noticed something. God more than often answers my prayers for other people far more often than my prayers for myself.
I'm not saying that you should stop praying for yourself because personal prayer cultivates personal relationship with Jesus. What I am saying is we shouldn't get so wrapped up in our personal issues that we forget that we are supposed to pray in community we are supposed to bring all the troubles of the world to the foot of the cross whether they are ours or not. when we fail to see that we were designed for fellowship and community we miss out. After all - when two or three are gathered in his name....
I am thankful for all those praying for me.
We are the body of Christ. Sometimes we forget how important community is. In the last six months I have noticed something. God more than often answers my prayers for other people far more often than my prayers for myself.
I'm not saying that you should stop praying for yourself because personal prayer cultivates personal relationship with Jesus. What I am saying is we shouldn't get so wrapped up in our personal issues that we forget that we are supposed to pray in community we are supposed to bring all the troubles of the world to the foot of the cross whether they are ours or not. when we fail to see that we were designed for fellowship and community we miss out. After all - when two or three are gathered in his name....
I am thankful for all those praying for me.
Thursday 27 June 2013
Sing until you make magic
Over five years ago I qualified as a singing teacher aged 18 and a half. I have only ever taught 3 lessons. Not because I am bad its just well I decided to concentrate on my degree and then god called me elsewhere. This week I have become angry at God because he is pushing my perseverance to levels I could not have imagined 6 months ago. This week I was angry because I need a job and God is STILL making me wait and I am petrified I am going to end up homeless which my friends assure me won't happen but its still the case that I cannot move to my parents because of family issues. (If you can call your parent(s) house home then you are very much blessed in my book.) so yer there is no other way of putting it in a month's time if I don't have a job then I will be homeless.
So that is where I was at on Sunday I was very low and angry. I really struggled to get through church and I did even worse at the evening service all anyone could ask me was what next and I hate saying I don't know because it hurts. I ended up telling someone how I felt and she tried to tell me what is to follow but I just couldn't hear it because well I was so hurt all my body and mind could do was block everyone out. I got home and I was like God why do you have to leave everything to the very last minute why can't you just sort it out for once can't I just have a little security can't I just have one smidgen of something. Monday it was also pretty heavy on my heart till I was like you know what God I can't be doing with this you have the whole thing I am not going to think about any more jobs this week I am going to take a week off from applications and scouring the interweb for things to get rejected from. I had had one of my diploma pieces in my head all day ' lascia chio pianga' (Probably spelt wrong) and it hit me square in the face.
No singing teacher worth the money you pay will give you an easy piece to sing - they will push you and stretch you to coax out your potential. They won't dwell on the easy parts but give you strategies to sing the hard parts the bits which you don't take to naturally. They will encourage and support you whilst still engaging you to practise. But no matter what they do how good they are no one can sing it for you. No one can practise the movements and intervals that tricky rhythm or style for you - you have to practise the hard bits, do your exercises and breathe through your nose and out your mouth. For every one time you sing it wrong you will need to sing it five times right to overwrite that. No two good singers sing the same piece the same way. A good singing teacher knows what you can do and what you can't your range and your ability what songs will suit your voice and resonance.
If the piece is a real challenge there will be days when you think that it will never happen your voice cannot do that. Or you are so sick of the song you will wish that the composer or lyricist had been sick that day and put in easier rhythm and notes. But with every day the notes will blossom the words will be remembered the consonant and vowel sounds will come together, you will be able to sing the whole phrase in one breath, that tricky bit you will nail every time.
Then the concert will come or the exam and you won't just know the piece, somehow your heart and soul will kiss in the sound you make. Your practice, gift and perseverance will flow from you and create a little touch of magic and you will fly and everyone who hears it can't help but listen.
I've had those moments in concert and exams where you could feel the magic my Grade five singing exam the examiner cried( I sung On my own - les mis) and I got 100%. Concerts where when I sang you could feel the silent mesmerised nature of the audience even through all the nerves. I am not saying this to big up the fact I am a brilliant singer because I am not a brilliant singer. It is a Gift from God its not totally mine. It always sounds so much better when I sing to him. But anyway that is kind of irrelevant. The only remaining relevant thing to point out is that a good singing teacher would have the next tricky piece for you on the Monday/ next lesson following your exam/ concert. Because its not about the exam its about the growth.
Saturday 22 June 2013
The oddities of life
So I am still job hunting as my intersnhip end date draws closer. I had a telephone interview on Friday and although rejections seem bountiful and interviews are in the singular thus far. Somehow I feel more positive mostly because more suitable and some very exciting jobs keep popping up on these websites.
There are days when strange things happen to me and Monday was one of them and it all started with pig biscuits we were doing the prodigal son with the small children so went to Tesco in the next town to buy the marshmallows and rich tea biscuits and other bits needed and I was walking down towards the station when this guy looked at me as if he recognised me. I definitely didn't recognise him but that isn't saying much in my job I meet so many people and when you go to two churches it is kinda hard to tell especially when you were wiped and feeling a bit rubbish as I was then. As I crossed the road there he was again 'your gorgeous' he said smiling 'my name is Gary* by the way.' I was like 'uh I'm Allie' he asked me if I lived around here I was like 'I uh live somewhere.' mostly because that was what my brain could come up with as a genuine answer at the time.
When we got to the station I went to the machine to buy my ticket and two minutes later here was Gary* handing me a piece of paper it had Gary 07------ he said 'if you want to go out sometime text me.' I smiled and fished my ticket out the machine. As I walked over the bridge to wait for my train my friend text me about our plans so by the time I got to the opposite platform I was texting her back there's Gary opposite when I finish looking at me mouthing are you texting me....? I shook my head (AWKWARD). Then his train came and that was it.
Now the question was do I text him. A huge part of me said no and there was this tiny 14 year old girl inside me which was dancing around singing 'A guy gave me his number...a guy called me gorgeous.' suffice to say my brain said no and it won... but it got me thinking do men really think that will work? I was flattered but all I know about Gary was that he was called Gary I don't know anything more about him except perhaps his taste in clothes and now his number. If we had talked all night at a bar or wherever then he had given me his number but it worried me that he knew my name and what I looked like and wanted a date. Are guys really that shallow? Would girls fall for it are they that shallow?
The non Christian dating world is so alien to me - ok lets be honest the whole dating world is alien to me I've been single for more than a year now after my first and only ever boyfriend which didn't work out. Thing is most of my life I have had a lot of guy friends but when you have a boyfriend its not appropriate to have those kinds of friendships with guys not because said boyfriend was jealous (that is well irrelevant) but because I realised that as an adult you have to have accountable boy-girl friendships because well it all gets messy otherwise and intimacy issues rear their ugly head.
That got me thinking because Gay relationships and homosexuality has been on my mind a lot recently because it seems to be the issue 'de jour'. Anyway in Christian circles we are told to foster good solid close relationships with friends of the same sex but what if that is unhelpful especially if you see someone as a good friend and they are seeing you as girlfriend material (this has not happened to me or anyone I know but :| ) so why are we told to foster these kinds of friendships chastity and accountability I suppose. I have probably opened a huge can of worms but I think we need to be cool about stuff these days because I can have a good close friendship with a guy and not fancy him in the least and visa versa so why then did my brain say it must be unhelpful for people who fancy the same sex.
I just re- read that paragraph and I realised that it happens all the time you like someone and they see you as a friend or visa versa gay or straight - woman or man on the whole we as humans like so many more people in our lives than we kiss or date and we date more than we marry and well not all of them last despite the best of intentions. My history of liking boys and men is crazy long and messy and usually they are sentences which end good happy (although not always healthy) friendships. Boys/Men liking me is a short list its possible I said yes to dating Charlie* because well he liked me and he was a good friend. So why does God let us fancy all these people (for me men) why do we go through heartache? That is easy so we can grow so we can learn. I'm a better person for it but it is not what it felt like at the time. God loves me and I love him above all else that is what I learnt focus on him not my then relationship. When I get married to someone I in all probability haven't met or noticed yet I will be a better wife than if I had never been kissed by Charlie in August 2008. I also think its part of something in us we are programmed to see and appreciate beauty both of physical appearance and of personality. Which matters personality really matters to me I know this for certain because I spent some time with identical twin boys and I really liked one and not the other whom I saw just as a friend.
I am not quite sure how we got here but oh well - job applications to fill out I guess - why I haven't written for so long and a trip to Illfracombe with the seniors which was hilarious. I have changed the names of the people I have mentioned because well its not fair to name and shame people even if it is just their first name.
*Not their real name
There are days when strange things happen to me and Monday was one of them and it all started with pig biscuits we were doing the prodigal son with the small children so went to Tesco in the next town to buy the marshmallows and rich tea biscuits and other bits needed and I was walking down towards the station when this guy looked at me as if he recognised me. I definitely didn't recognise him but that isn't saying much in my job I meet so many people and when you go to two churches it is kinda hard to tell especially when you were wiped and feeling a bit rubbish as I was then. As I crossed the road there he was again 'your gorgeous' he said smiling 'my name is Gary* by the way.' I was like 'uh I'm Allie' he asked me if I lived around here I was like 'I uh live somewhere.' mostly because that was what my brain could come up with as a genuine answer at the time.
When we got to the station I went to the machine to buy my ticket and two minutes later here was Gary* handing me a piece of paper it had Gary 07------ he said 'if you want to go out sometime text me.' I smiled and fished my ticket out the machine. As I walked over the bridge to wait for my train my friend text me about our plans so by the time I got to the opposite platform I was texting her back there's Gary opposite when I finish looking at me mouthing are you texting me....? I shook my head (AWKWARD). Then his train came and that was it.
Now the question was do I text him. A huge part of me said no and there was this tiny 14 year old girl inside me which was dancing around singing 'A guy gave me his number...a guy called me gorgeous.' suffice to say my brain said no and it won... but it got me thinking do men really think that will work? I was flattered but all I know about Gary was that he was called Gary I don't know anything more about him except perhaps his taste in clothes and now his number. If we had talked all night at a bar or wherever then he had given me his number but it worried me that he knew my name and what I looked like and wanted a date. Are guys really that shallow? Would girls fall for it are they that shallow?
The non Christian dating world is so alien to me - ok lets be honest the whole dating world is alien to me I've been single for more than a year now after my first and only ever boyfriend which didn't work out. Thing is most of my life I have had a lot of guy friends but when you have a boyfriend its not appropriate to have those kinds of friendships with guys not because said boyfriend was jealous (that is well irrelevant) but because I realised that as an adult you have to have accountable boy-girl friendships because well it all gets messy otherwise and intimacy issues rear their ugly head.
That got me thinking because Gay relationships and homosexuality has been on my mind a lot recently because it seems to be the issue 'de jour'. Anyway in Christian circles we are told to foster good solid close relationships with friends of the same sex but what if that is unhelpful especially if you see someone as a good friend and they are seeing you as girlfriend material (this has not happened to me or anyone I know but :| ) so why are we told to foster these kinds of friendships chastity and accountability I suppose. I have probably opened a huge can of worms but I think we need to be cool about stuff these days because I can have a good close friendship with a guy and not fancy him in the least and visa versa so why then did my brain say it must be unhelpful for people who fancy the same sex.
I just re- read that paragraph and I realised that it happens all the time you like someone and they see you as a friend or visa versa gay or straight - woman or man on the whole we as humans like so many more people in our lives than we kiss or date and we date more than we marry and well not all of them last despite the best of intentions. My history of liking boys and men is crazy long and messy and usually they are sentences which end good happy (although not always healthy) friendships. Boys/Men liking me is a short list its possible I said yes to dating Charlie* because well he liked me and he was a good friend. So why does God let us fancy all these people (for me men) why do we go through heartache? That is easy so we can grow so we can learn. I'm a better person for it but it is not what it felt like at the time. God loves me and I love him above all else that is what I learnt focus on him not my then relationship. When I get married to someone I in all probability haven't met or noticed yet I will be a better wife than if I had never been kissed by Charlie in August 2008. I also think its part of something in us we are programmed to see and appreciate beauty both of physical appearance and of personality. Which matters personality really matters to me I know this for certain because I spent some time with identical twin boys and I really liked one and not the other whom I saw just as a friend.
I am not quite sure how we got here but oh well - job applications to fill out I guess - why I haven't written for so long and a trip to Illfracombe with the seniors which was hilarious. I have changed the names of the people I have mentioned because well its not fair to name and shame people even if it is just their first name.
*Not their real name
Saturday 8 June 2013
The frustrations of life
I haven't blogged for a while because I know that it will just turn into a rant about my fruitless job hunting and constant rejections. How I haven't quite worked out what linked in is and I am paranoid about the fact that is the reason I am doing badly. Which is stupid because legally they are probably not supposed to be looking and with a surname like mine they would be hard pushed right. Then I remembered that I used my other email address to set it up so its unlikely that any employer would actually find it - I had done that deliberately so that I could make it good and slick before I put it out there.
What is up with this job market - two years ago before I started my internship I applied for like 8-10 jobs that I remember and got four interviews and now I've applied for a lot more than that and had a lot of rejection emails.Course there is nothing like a mass (bcc'd) emailed rejection email to show that they value the time and the effort you have put into your application. The thing is I know I would be amazing in each of these jobs, that is the frustrating part. I'm not just applying for everything I would be amazing at each and every one of these jobs not that I am being fussy I just know which ones I would thrive in and yet the doors are rapidly closing in my face and I am slightly bewildered as to what God is up to and why its so crushing that I just can't find the right door like in Harry Potter Philosophers Stone when Harry is on the broom in the labyrinth trying to catch the key when thousands are flying about him.
Two years ago I had my life planned out I knew what the next three years of my life would be like I was with someone and it was serious and we were content and the plan was for me to get a job or internship for a year or so whilst he finished his studies then last summer(2012) to get engaged and to get married the following Spring (2013). Then settle somewhere and begin to plan starting a family. It didn't turn out that way because, well it didn't for various reasons that I won't go into. I've been single for over a year now and I'm like God why don't you let me plan things. Then I remember that I have surrendered my life to him and well its not a pleasant feeling for someone like me who likes planning ahead and to be in control. I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't have anything except birthdays in my diary after August for some people that is exciting but for me its petrifying.
There is no plan any more... there hasn't been for a long time and it scares me no end. There I have said it. I don't really mind what I end up doing I have a passion for so many things that I could do anything but I just want to know is that too much to ask. I want to know what I will be doing come my next birthday but then I wonder about Isaac and Ishmael and I think maybe that is the tale for patience and waiting on God even when you feel his timings totally suck.
So God promised Sarah and Abraham a Child and once Sarah had got sick of waiting she said - God has promised us a child and its clear that he hasn't noticed yet I'm like 90 so what we should do is this you sleep with my servant girl (Hagar)and then she will have a son and God will fulfil his promise and we will have a family. (Gen16) Hagar - who notice doesn't get a say in this poor girl- asks God for a son (Ishmael) and she gets one but to the total jealousy and hatred of Sarah. then later God makes Sarah Pregnant (after she has slept with her husband clearly) and she gives birth to Isaac (Gen21). God makes good out out bad situations but even so in hindsight ( which is always killer) Sarah should have just waited on God to give her a son in the conventional way she would have saved herself so much heartache and pain. This is what troubles me about online dating because its not waiting on God not really and I hate to say it because I have so man friends who are so happy and have met their fiancé or husband online and yes God does use it to make good. God has written me a perfect love story like my life story. I have let him write and edit it even when it really hurts I have to stand and declare for him.
What is up with this job market - two years ago before I started my internship I applied for like 8-10 jobs that I remember and got four interviews and now I've applied for a lot more than that and had a lot of rejection emails.Course there is nothing like a mass (bcc'd) emailed rejection email to show that they value the time and the effort you have put into your application. The thing is I know I would be amazing in each of these jobs, that is the frustrating part. I'm not just applying for everything I would be amazing at each and every one of these jobs not that I am being fussy I just know which ones I would thrive in and yet the doors are rapidly closing in my face and I am slightly bewildered as to what God is up to and why its so crushing that I just can't find the right door like in Harry Potter Philosophers Stone when Harry is on the broom in the labyrinth trying to catch the key when thousands are flying about him.
Two years ago I had my life planned out I knew what the next three years of my life would be like I was with someone and it was serious and we were content and the plan was for me to get a job or internship for a year or so whilst he finished his studies then last summer(2012) to get engaged and to get married the following Spring (2013). Then settle somewhere and begin to plan starting a family. It didn't turn out that way because, well it didn't for various reasons that I won't go into. I've been single for over a year now and I'm like God why don't you let me plan things. Then I remember that I have surrendered my life to him and well its not a pleasant feeling for someone like me who likes planning ahead and to be in control. I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't have anything except birthdays in my diary after August for some people that is exciting but for me its petrifying.
There is no plan any more... there hasn't been for a long time and it scares me no end. There I have said it. I don't really mind what I end up doing I have a passion for so many things that I could do anything but I just want to know is that too much to ask. I want to know what I will be doing come my next birthday but then I wonder about Isaac and Ishmael and I think maybe that is the tale for patience and waiting on God even when you feel his timings totally suck.
So God promised Sarah and Abraham a Child and once Sarah had got sick of waiting she said - God has promised us a child and its clear that he hasn't noticed yet I'm like 90 so what we should do is this you sleep with my servant girl (Hagar)and then she will have a son and God will fulfil his promise and we will have a family. (Gen16) Hagar - who notice doesn't get a say in this poor girl- asks God for a son (Ishmael) and she gets one but to the total jealousy and hatred of Sarah. then later God makes Sarah Pregnant (after she has slept with her husband clearly) and she gives birth to Isaac (Gen21). God makes good out out bad situations but even so in hindsight ( which is always killer) Sarah should have just waited on God to give her a son in the conventional way she would have saved herself so much heartache and pain. This is what troubles me about online dating because its not waiting on God not really and I hate to say it because I have so man friends who are so happy and have met their fiancé or husband online and yes God does use it to make good. God has written me a perfect love story like my life story. I have let him write and edit it even when it really hurts I have to stand and declare for him.
Wednesday 15 May 2013
What currency is in your kingdom?
So this week I have been at the HTB Leadership Conference. God has laid some huge things on my heart over the last couple of months. I have been wrestling with a lot of things the most obvious being what is next? my Internship ends this summer and I don't really know what is next but I have the big picture now which I didn't six months ago. At the conference one speaker Stephen Furtick said this ' if you are not intimidated by your dreams then God is insulted.
God is insulted by dreams we know we can achieve in our own strength one of the other speakers said this ( I think it was Pete Greig) we need to pray for the inevitable then when it happens thank god for it because that will really annoy the atheists!
I have been thinking a lot recently about that whole Kingdom of me Kingdom of God thing. So the story of the kingdom of me goes like this. In the kingdom of me I am queen(or king if you're a guy) what I say goes and no one else matters or is allowed to have a say in how my life is run because I am totally in control it is absolute monarchy. In this kingdom you are on all the stamps and banknotes and coinage. The currency is I and the coin denomination is me.
But if we overturn ourselves to the kingdom of God then its not absolute monarchy its not a constitutional monarchy its a conquering by Christ and he is in charge as prince we offer ourselves to his empire we become a colony. So we still have our integrity and respect but we are under imperial power and rule now by the only emperor who matters which is Christ Jesus.
A lot of us - well me included - thought that its ok for there to be a constitutional monarchy in their kingdom the kingdom is God's but we rule all the day to day decisions God can do the big stuff but the little stuff that is still my domain, God is the king but we are the prime minister. But that is not what God wants us to be because well it comes down to Glory as most things seem to be with our generation. if God is the nominal figure head how is he really sovereign like if our Queen said "right on friday I would like everyone to wear Purple" the government would never pass or allow that decision and it would quietly be forgotten... see power matters and influence if we don't give God power over every aspect of our lives how can we see real change?
But Allie, what has this to do with glory? Well see if we do stuff in our own strength we feel we deserve the glory - that is only natural. but if God is totally in charge with all the power and resources then of course he deserves the glory when things go well... So in joining God's kingdom is colonisation into his empire this is why because in imperial systems its not about individual countries each has their own part to add to the might of the empire and the emperor is sovereign of all equally.
It does have its limitations as an analogy/vision like the fact that every empire has its flagship country the one that becomes the model or benefactor for the rest. In this case it is Jesus; but also most opinions on imperial rule say colonisation was not Good for the countries colonised. did you know that the British put in most of the infrastructure that still exists in what are now commonwealth countries like the train system etc and that the Romans brought infrastructure with them when they colonised like the road network and aqueducts I am not saying it was all good because it wasn't but this is a different kind of empire and yes the natives sometimes rebel against the emperor we do that too but we are under grace.
So here is the question if you were to visit that place that is your kingdom, where your choices are made and your power and influence are deployed whose face would be on the coinage? do your everyday decisions and needs come down to prayer and God's will or your own?
God is insulted by dreams we know we can achieve in our own strength one of the other speakers said this ( I think it was Pete Greig) we need to pray for the inevitable then when it happens thank god for it because that will really annoy the atheists!
I have been thinking a lot recently about that whole Kingdom of me Kingdom of God thing. So the story of the kingdom of me goes like this. In the kingdom of me I am queen(or king if you're a guy) what I say goes and no one else matters or is allowed to have a say in how my life is run because I am totally in control it is absolute monarchy. In this kingdom you are on all the stamps and banknotes and coinage. The currency is I and the coin denomination is me.
But if we overturn ourselves to the kingdom of God then its not absolute monarchy its not a constitutional monarchy its a conquering by Christ and he is in charge as prince we offer ourselves to his empire we become a colony. So we still have our integrity and respect but we are under imperial power and rule now by the only emperor who matters which is Christ Jesus.
A lot of us - well me included - thought that its ok for there to be a constitutional monarchy in their kingdom the kingdom is God's but we rule all the day to day decisions God can do the big stuff but the little stuff that is still my domain, God is the king but we are the prime minister. But that is not what God wants us to be because well it comes down to Glory as most things seem to be with our generation. if God is the nominal figure head how is he really sovereign like if our Queen said "right on friday I would like everyone to wear Purple" the government would never pass or allow that decision and it would quietly be forgotten... see power matters and influence if we don't give God power over every aspect of our lives how can we see real change?
But Allie, what has this to do with glory? Well see if we do stuff in our own strength we feel we deserve the glory - that is only natural. but if God is totally in charge with all the power and resources then of course he deserves the glory when things go well... So in joining God's kingdom is colonisation into his empire this is why because in imperial systems its not about individual countries each has their own part to add to the might of the empire and the emperor is sovereign of all equally.
It does have its limitations as an analogy/vision like the fact that every empire has its flagship country the one that becomes the model or benefactor for the rest. In this case it is Jesus; but also most opinions on imperial rule say colonisation was not Good for the countries colonised. did you know that the British put in most of the infrastructure that still exists in what are now commonwealth countries like the train system etc and that the Romans brought infrastructure with them when they colonised like the road network and aqueducts I am not saying it was all good because it wasn't but this is a different kind of empire and yes the natives sometimes rebel against the emperor we do that too but we are under grace.
So here is the question if you were to visit that place that is your kingdom, where your choices are made and your power and influence are deployed whose face would be on the coinage? do your everyday decisions and needs come down to prayer and God's will or your own?
Wednesday 1 May 2013
Excess Baggage.
Some days I wish that I didn't have baggage that I could walk through life and not pick up junk that hurts or that is just there niggling. As Christians we start fresh every morning - keeping short accounts with God but there is still this Shrapnel that seems imbeded the rubbish that we just can't understand why its still there but it is.
So I cleared my purse out today its been one of those jobs I just haven't got around to do in a while - clear it of receipts, old train tickets and general rubbish that builds up. In the back of my purse I keep a ICE card basically telling what I am allergic to and other information like what medications and conditions I have also my donor card. I feel its really important that if God calls me home and someone has a chance to live using my organs then that is for God's Glory. I have this so that I can give it to a paramedic in an emergency.
Anyway so I saw this card (its folded in half) and thought have I updated it recently? as I pulled it out of my purse a picture of my ex-boyfriend fell out. Its been over a year since my one and only ever relationship ended. So clearly I hadn't updated the card in a year but it kind of shocked me because I had been carrying around a photo of my Ex boyfriend for a year totally inadvertently- every day.
Its like that in life though you think you have let go of something or someone who hurt you then it just takes a small root around to realise that its actually closer to the surface that you thought it was. I thought I was over him bit in that moment I genuinely realised I was that I didn't need to carry any part of him around with me that that chapter is closed in my life well and truly. It was quite cleansing, to know that he was not part of my life any more his photo was no more than a train ticket - a memory of where I had been but was no longer. That might sound a little harsh but its a good thing for me sure his picture holds more memories than a train ticket to the nearest town but they are both journeys that have run their course- expired.
We are so prone in this day and age to hold on to such copious amounts of excess baggage, rubbish that we pick up little things that we over think perhaps or lies we believe. we are told in the gospels that all baggage has to be checked in at the foot of the Cross. But we are used to it. Its weight, how it feels to carry it, we are used to just carrying it because its there. its easy to try and convince ourselves its just the size and shape for hand luggage that we can manage it - we won't need to check it in. but the truth is we don't need to carry our baggage around with us. So I had a friend I went to school with whom in year 7 would carry ALL his textbooks around with him every day until our deputy head of year/history teacher somehow noticed and explained to him that there was no need to have all of them. Just the 2 lessons between break and lunch.
I guess we can be like that sometimes having all our rubbished stashed away in our rucksack where we can't see it but we are carrying it. Have you ever noticed how a rucksack feels lighter when it is on your back than when you lift it with your hands. its easier to carry stuff when it isn't in your hands you're still carrying it though.
Sometimes it just comes down to the moment when you say look God here is all my shrapnel this is all my rubbish please heal me... and he will.. its ok to have baggage its just not the best thing to carry it.
So I cleared my purse out today its been one of those jobs I just haven't got around to do in a while - clear it of receipts, old train tickets and general rubbish that builds up. In the back of my purse I keep a ICE card basically telling what I am allergic to and other information like what medications and conditions I have also my donor card. I feel its really important that if God calls me home and someone has a chance to live using my organs then that is for God's Glory. I have this so that I can give it to a paramedic in an emergency.
Anyway so I saw this card (its folded in half) and thought have I updated it recently? as I pulled it out of my purse a picture of my ex-boyfriend fell out. Its been over a year since my one and only ever relationship ended. So clearly I hadn't updated the card in a year but it kind of shocked me because I had been carrying around a photo of my Ex boyfriend for a year totally inadvertently- every day.
Its like that in life though you think you have let go of something or someone who hurt you then it just takes a small root around to realise that its actually closer to the surface that you thought it was. I thought I was over him bit in that moment I genuinely realised I was that I didn't need to carry any part of him around with me that that chapter is closed in my life well and truly. It was quite cleansing, to know that he was not part of my life any more his photo was no more than a train ticket - a memory of where I had been but was no longer. That might sound a little harsh but its a good thing for me sure his picture holds more memories than a train ticket to the nearest town but they are both journeys that have run their course- expired.
We are so prone in this day and age to hold on to such copious amounts of excess baggage, rubbish that we pick up little things that we over think perhaps or lies we believe. we are told in the gospels that all baggage has to be checked in at the foot of the Cross. But we are used to it. Its weight, how it feels to carry it, we are used to just carrying it because its there. its easy to try and convince ourselves its just the size and shape for hand luggage that we can manage it - we won't need to check it in. but the truth is we don't need to carry our baggage around with us. So I had a friend I went to school with whom in year 7 would carry ALL his textbooks around with him every day until our deputy head of year/history teacher somehow noticed and explained to him that there was no need to have all of them. Just the 2 lessons between break and lunch.
I guess we can be like that sometimes having all our rubbished stashed away in our rucksack where we can't see it but we are carrying it. Have you ever noticed how a rucksack feels lighter when it is on your back than when you lift it with your hands. its easier to carry stuff when it isn't in your hands you're still carrying it though.
Sometimes it just comes down to the moment when you say look God here is all my shrapnel this is all my rubbish please heal me... and he will.. its ok to have baggage its just not the best thing to carry it.
Sunday 28 April 2013
Some encouragement
Yesterday God healed me. If I could put God in a box and control him then it would have been my food allergies he would have healed or my sight so I didn't have to wear glasses or my asthma but he didn't heal any of those things. God healed me of some lies and irrational fears I believed in my life. I ended up flat on my back giggling in the spirit. I guess what I am trying to say is I am glad I can't control God because feeling whole and complete and at peace beats eating a lemon meringue pie or plum tart. Healing beats all the things that I miss being able to eat it beats wearing glasses.
Moral of the story is don't even consider to put God in a box yes ask, believe but he is sovereign and as far as I am concerned he can do what he likes because it will be better than what I want.
Moral of the story is don't even consider to put God in a box yes ask, believe but he is sovereign and as far as I am concerned he can do what he likes because it will be better than what I want.
Tuesday 16 April 2013
The great Obstacles and Enlightenments found in the 62nd psalm.
I have a bit of a creative block going on at the moment I am stuck on one passage of scripture and none of the rest of it seems to be inspiring me and I don't know how I can creatively express the passage it is only just about making sense and meaning to me no matter how much of the bible i read I am drawn back to it
So because it is what I just can't get beyond I figured rather than wait for something else I will give you what four months of meditating on a passage has revealed
God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? (MSG) Psalm 62:5
Waiting. I hate waiting It sucks in case you didn't notice, I am not a naturally patient person. I often feel in God's waiting room and it isn't a doctors/ dentist waiting room its a hospital waiting room. For those of you lucky enough not to know the difference of this I shall briefly explain. Most Doctors/dentists give you an appointment and you may wait up to half an hour at the most beyond your appointment time. A Hospital waiting room you should take a book and some knitting and yep you will be lucky when your seen and you just don't know what time person the Doctor is seeing or who is before/after you. I am fortunate enough to say that there has only been one time I have had a hospital appointment was to do with a mole on my arm and I waited two hours which is not bad- apparently because if there is an emergency elsewhere in the hospital or for the previous person all bets are off.
Waiting on God feels like a hospital appointment you know that its coming at some point this lifetime but when or how long your waiting is a mystery, its not like a roller coaster when you know your getting close to the front you just have no idea who around you will be called next there is no discernible queue or reference. It is very lonely and isolating waiting in a hospital waiting room. I think that its not good for us to think this way. Waiting on God is not a hospital waiting room because see he is waiting with us so we not alone. Its not about the thing we are waiting for its about knowing that in waiting we are growing that we know we can trust an unknown future to a known God (Corrie Ten Boom) (see 2 Peter 3:9 for more on waiting)
God is worth waiting on. because he has everything that is worth hoping for I'd rather wait on his best than my paltry understanding.
its always good to be reminded just who God is that we can hope in that we can be ourselves with him to.
My salvation and my glory depend on God. God is the rock of my strength, my refuge (GW) Psalm 62:7
This is the big one. This is the passage that really sticks in my head because it is about glory and glory is a touchy subject for our generation. We grew up in a time of celebrity this means that for many people my age being Glorified is aspirational. Being glorified by our peers is what most people desire more than everything else if it matters more how you are percieved than who you are doing it for then you are proabably guilt of this. I am guilty of this we are addicted to glory and approval we want to be the best.
Unless your glory depends on how God views you, you are in a sticky mess. Only God saves he is the strength not us he is the refuge not earthly rubbish. Its taken me a long time to process this passage because if my glory is dependent on God not my own strength then I only need to seek approval from him.
So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. (MSG) Psalm 62:8
The safest place to be in the entire universe is at the centre of God's will and plan for your life. Pour out your heart to him for when you walk with him nothing is second best, he is someone to have a relationship with always. I would do anything for God totally surrendered to his will and who he is; but for my own ego. Its hard to be surrendered totally because I am so used to being selfish and giving up the best portions of life to him is counter cultural (over here in the west) I guess it comes with time and practise. But we have to keep trying right?!
So because it is what I just can't get beyond I figured rather than wait for something else I will give you what four months of meditating on a passage has revealed
5 Wait calmly for God alone, my soul,
because my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my saviour—my stronghold.
I cannot be shaken.
because my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my saviour—my stronghold.
I cannot be shaken.
7 My salvation and my glory depend on God.
God is the rock of my strength, my refuge.
8 Trust him at all times, you people.
Pour out your hearts in his presence.
God is our refuge.
God is the rock of my strength, my refuge.
8 Trust him at all times, you people.
Pour out your hearts in his presence.
God is our refuge.
Waiting. I hate waiting It sucks in case you didn't notice, I am not a naturally patient person. I often feel in God's waiting room and it isn't a doctors/ dentist waiting room its a hospital waiting room. For those of you lucky enough not to know the difference of this I shall briefly explain. Most Doctors/dentists give you an appointment and you may wait up to half an hour at the most beyond your appointment time. A Hospital waiting room you should take a book and some knitting and yep you will be lucky when your seen and you just don't know what time person the Doctor is seeing or who is before/after you. I am fortunate enough to say that there has only been one time I have had a hospital appointment was to do with a mole on my arm and I waited two hours which is not bad- apparently because if there is an emergency elsewhere in the hospital or for the previous person all bets are off.
Waiting on God feels like a hospital appointment you know that its coming at some point this lifetime but when or how long your waiting is a mystery, its not like a roller coaster when you know your getting close to the front you just have no idea who around you will be called next there is no discernible queue or reference. It is very lonely and isolating waiting in a hospital waiting room. I think that its not good for us to think this way. Waiting on God is not a hospital waiting room because see he is waiting with us so we not alone. Its not about the thing we are waiting for its about knowing that in waiting we are growing that we know we can trust an unknown future to a known God (Corrie Ten Boom) (see 2 Peter 3:9 for more on waiting)
God is worth waiting on. because he has everything that is worth hoping for I'd rather wait on his best than my paltry understanding.
He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I’m set for life. (MSG) Psalm 62:6
its always good to be reminded just who God is that we can hope in that we can be ourselves with him to.
My salvation and my glory depend on God. God is the rock of my strength, my refuge (GW) Psalm 62:7
This is the big one. This is the passage that really sticks in my head because it is about glory and glory is a touchy subject for our generation. We grew up in a time of celebrity this means that for many people my age being Glorified is aspirational. Being glorified by our peers is what most people desire more than everything else if it matters more how you are percieved than who you are doing it for then you are proabably guilt of this. I am guilty of this we are addicted to glory and approval we want to be the best.
Unless your glory depends on how God views you, you are in a sticky mess. Only God saves he is the strength not us he is the refuge not earthly rubbish. Its taken me a long time to process this passage because if my glory is dependent on God not my own strength then I only need to seek approval from him.
So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. (MSG) Psalm 62:8
The safest place to be in the entire universe is at the centre of God's will and plan for your life. Pour out your heart to him for when you walk with him nothing is second best, he is someone to have a relationship with always. I would do anything for God totally surrendered to his will and who he is; but for my own ego. Its hard to be surrendered totally because I am so used to being selfish and giving up the best portions of life to him is counter cultural (over here in the west) I guess it comes with time and practise. But we have to keep trying right?!
Friday 5 April 2013
Bruised knees and life in the 90s
13/03/13
I started school on my fifth birthday or at least that is what my mother tells me. I remember it - the day I started school. I remember meeting a girl called Emily who shared the same birthday as me. I remember having a pudding basin bob, having 'stripy' blonde and brown hair being started on the blue reading books ( level three of Biff, Chip and Kipper). One thing I vivdly remember at infant school aside from the yellow of the jumpers and my part in the school play as an owl, was my two It seemed daily rituals one of which was going to the office because I had fallen over. The scars from that time are now all but faded- yes I fell over so often I have scars...
Its really funny that feeling of falling flat on your face never changes, on Monday on my 'commute' to work I tripped over a curb went flying into the pavement. as I picked myself up I felt the familiar yet near forgotten ache in my knees and my palms. I'm not a dainty person... the women in my family on the whole are well built and I am no exception there was a lot of me that fell onto my hands and knees. Truth is I spent the vast majority of the 1990s with grazed palms, bruised knees and falling over. I know that is 15-20 years ago but still you would think I could remember it but somehow as an adult its different... It hurts more perhaps looking at my knees in their purple and red glory I wondered how did I ever live with this on a near daily basis.
It got me thinking about the ways in which we grow and change. How something that used to be so commonplace in our lives now that thing is rare. Falling over was not a concious choice it just happens, you learn balance and road safety and other such things, I often wonder you know about sin and how we just keep on doing the same sin... somehow we stumble on that one more than others then life changes and there is a breakthrough and we look back and think how could I have been such a gossip or whatever it is. but when you are in that moment all you can think about is... not again. But the bible teaches us not to look back. not to live in the past (Isaiah 43:18-20).
I suppose the comfort is that we can learn and grow from our mistakes. we can choose his way the new life in us, that we know in ten years we won't have this issue any more - not if we are growing and seeking his redemption... yes we may have others... like I should not tweet or post on facebook when I am tired... That was not something I had to worry about in the 90s! I am thankful that we can grow we can learn and we don't have to live in the same situations our whole lives.
I started school on my fifth birthday or at least that is what my mother tells me. I remember it - the day I started school. I remember meeting a girl called Emily who shared the same birthday as me. I remember having a pudding basin bob, having 'stripy' blonde and brown hair being started on the blue reading books ( level three of Biff, Chip and Kipper). One thing I vivdly remember at infant school aside from the yellow of the jumpers and my part in the school play as an owl, was my two It seemed daily rituals one of which was going to the office because I had fallen over. The scars from that time are now all but faded- yes I fell over so often I have scars...
Its really funny that feeling of falling flat on your face never changes, on Monday on my 'commute' to work I tripped over a curb went flying into the pavement. as I picked myself up I felt the familiar yet near forgotten ache in my knees and my palms. I'm not a dainty person... the women in my family on the whole are well built and I am no exception there was a lot of me that fell onto my hands and knees. Truth is I spent the vast majority of the 1990s with grazed palms, bruised knees and falling over. I know that is 15-20 years ago but still you would think I could remember it but somehow as an adult its different... It hurts more perhaps looking at my knees in their purple and red glory I wondered how did I ever live with this on a near daily basis.
I suppose the comfort is that we can learn and grow from our mistakes. we can choose his way the new life in us, that we know in ten years we won't have this issue any more - not if we are growing and seeking his redemption... yes we may have others... like I should not tweet or post on facebook when I am tired... That was not something I had to worry about in the 90s! I am thankful that we can grow we can learn and we don't have to live in the same situations our whole lives.
Sugar and Spice and all things nice???!
09/3/13 (unfinished article)
Yesterday was international women's day.
AS a woman in this century I can Vote, I can wear trousers or a skirt whatever colours I like, I can wear my hair long or short in fact in terms of social perception the only thing I can't do as a woman in this Century is become a bishop or a Catholic priest. I do appreciate that is not true across the world but it is certainly true here in Britain. So what in a world of equality does it really mean to be a woman in the 21st century? over the years gender roles have been more defined but now in the 21st century it seems we are getting more and more blurred with what defines female and male. So what remains of our gender?
My first thoughts were:
Biologically I am a woman. I have 2 X Chromozones I have the capacity to reproduce as a Mother (not that I have done so yet!) I have a female body shape and I am A Mezzo- Soprano.
Aside from the last comment is our biology all that should define us as women. Femininity is about gentleness its about being beautiful and in the past it has come with a whole plethora of social etiquette ( I am talking calling cards, chivalry, closets and fans) a feminist may argue that these were all in place to suppress women's rights to be equal but is that really true? What happened to being pre-disposed to liking the beauty of things. Fondness for Flowers and things that are cute. There are women for whom that isn't the case - I suppose there have been all down the centuries but history glosses over the minority or they didn't speak such things.
Then I realised there is a distinct difference from being a woman to being feminine, femininity is the cultural application of the female gender it is what socially defines what being a woman is. In this country- in this century a woman has free reign over her style choices and femininity has never been so diverse. From black and purple swirls to pink and white stripes. We have a common consensus what constitutes feminine which perhaps isn't east to articulate its the feelings thing its the clothing we wear. 9 times out of ten if you see someone's clothing you could say that they were a man or a woman. or their bedroom you would know instinctively that they were either female or male if they were an adult of course...
I think we have lost some of the beauty of the damsel. I think we have allowed society to say to us that we are women therefore we have to be high powered we have to balance being equal with our body clocks and we have to buy into this view that we are supposed to have a double life. By that I mean to the outside world we are supposed to be equal and in the work place not notice gender in how we behave and how we are professionally even in the home be equal in our place. That is not right either we should expect a mirroring symbiotism gender neutralising the world or allow ourselves to embrace the whole femininity social construct for what it is - we were designed to be female why not embrace that. Its not a modern view or a politically correct one. God made me to be equal to anyone else [definitely not better than anyone else] he also made me a woman I'm not going to ignore that part of his design.
Yesterday was international women's day.
AS a woman in this century I can Vote, I can wear trousers or a skirt whatever colours I like, I can wear my hair long or short in fact in terms of social perception the only thing I can't do as a woman in this Century is become a bishop or a Catholic priest. I do appreciate that is not true across the world but it is certainly true here in Britain. So what in a world of equality does it really mean to be a woman in the 21st century? over the years gender roles have been more defined but now in the 21st century it seems we are getting more and more blurred with what defines female and male. So what remains of our gender?
My first thoughts were:
Biologically I am a woman. I have 2 X Chromozones I have the capacity to reproduce as a Mother (not that I have done so yet!) I have a female body shape and I am A Mezzo- Soprano.
Aside from the last comment is our biology all that should define us as women. Femininity is about gentleness its about being beautiful and in the past it has come with a whole plethora of social etiquette ( I am talking calling cards, chivalry, closets and fans) a feminist may argue that these were all in place to suppress women's rights to be equal but is that really true? What happened to being pre-disposed to liking the beauty of things. Fondness for Flowers and things that are cute. There are women for whom that isn't the case - I suppose there have been all down the centuries but history glosses over the minority or they didn't speak such things.
Then I realised there is a distinct difference from being a woman to being feminine, femininity is the cultural application of the female gender it is what socially defines what being a woman is. In this country- in this century a woman has free reign over her style choices and femininity has never been so diverse. From black and purple swirls to pink and white stripes. We have a common consensus what constitutes feminine which perhaps isn't east to articulate its the feelings thing its the clothing we wear. 9 times out of ten if you see someone's clothing you could say that they were a man or a woman. or their bedroom you would know instinctively that they were either female or male if they were an adult of course...
I think we have lost some of the beauty of the damsel. I think we have allowed society to say to us that we are women therefore we have to be high powered we have to balance being equal with our body clocks and we have to buy into this view that we are supposed to have a double life. By that I mean to the outside world we are supposed to be equal and in the work place not notice gender in how we behave and how we are professionally even in the home be equal in our place. That is not right either we should expect a mirroring symbiotism gender neutralising the world or allow ourselves to embrace the whole femininity social construct for what it is - we were designed to be female why not embrace that. Its not a modern view or a politically correct one. God made me to be equal to anyone else [definitely not better than anyone else] he also made me a woman I'm not going to ignore that part of his design.
Thursday 4 April 2013
Timidity and Bravery- of dogs and public speaking.
"Allie you are a Brave person..."
I have been told so many times in my life just how brave I am, the first time [I remember] was when I, aged four had stitches for falling over a doorstep then three days later for tripping over again. (always very accident prone.) bravery is not something anyone can quantify or contain its doing something in the face of peril or danger. I could give you the edited highlights of my bravery more than a few stitches in A&E but I won't not because I am scared what you would say but because you don't want to hear my life story and its besides the point..
I guess you are probably wondering what this has to do with my apparent absence from the blogsphere and lack of Art of late. Its not that I haven't been writing blog posts I have its just I haven't felt the courage to hit publish. I could cry busyness - which I have been very busy this last month - but who isn't busy. Truth is sometimes i am a bit of a scardey cat- often i am a scardey cat. when it comes to hide in a corner or face your foes I guess my bravery is often in question. The thing is that people categorise life stuff you survived XYZ so you should be able to do ABC but its rubbish. Anyone who has been through serious trauma will tell you it doesn't work like that, each situation is different for each person.
For example until fairly recently I was scared of dogs to the point I would cross the street to avoid walking past a big dog. Dogs are growing on me slowly but if you had said sing or speak in public in front of lots of people it wouldn't bother me much but walk a dog now that would be something that would have scared me to pieces, its a totally trivial example but the fact that I can speak in public doesn't mean I can walk a big dog or something similar or that those things didn't scare me. Being brave is not just about overcoming fear its about making yourself vulnerable and I guess that is what I have sort of been afraid of. second guessing what you would want to read about.
As for my lack of artwork I could put it down to the fact I have been very stressed and I just can't draw when i am stressed. or the fact i have found a slightly different outlet for my creativity which is frog shaped cuddly toy... anyway here is to all those brave people out there who walk dogs on a daily basis and are fighting terrible demons and diseases - never forget being brave is about knowing you are not in it alone that he is with you IS 40:29-31...
now to hit publish...
I have been told so many times in my life just how brave I am, the first time [I remember] was when I, aged four had stitches for falling over a doorstep then three days later for tripping over again. (always very accident prone.) bravery is not something anyone can quantify or contain its doing something in the face of peril or danger. I could give you the edited highlights of my bravery more than a few stitches in A&E but I won't not because I am scared what you would say but because you don't want to hear my life story and its besides the point..
I guess you are probably wondering what this has to do with my apparent absence from the blogsphere and lack of Art of late. Its not that I haven't been writing blog posts I have its just I haven't felt the courage to hit publish. I could cry busyness - which I have been very busy this last month - but who isn't busy. Truth is sometimes i am a bit of a scardey cat- often i am a scardey cat. when it comes to hide in a corner or face your foes I guess my bravery is often in question. The thing is that people categorise life stuff you survived XYZ so you should be able to do ABC but its rubbish. Anyone who has been through serious trauma will tell you it doesn't work like that, each situation is different for each person.
For example until fairly recently I was scared of dogs to the point I would cross the street to avoid walking past a big dog. Dogs are growing on me slowly but if you had said sing or speak in public in front of lots of people it wouldn't bother me much but walk a dog now that would be something that would have scared me to pieces, its a totally trivial example but the fact that I can speak in public doesn't mean I can walk a big dog or something similar or that those things didn't scare me. Being brave is not just about overcoming fear its about making yourself vulnerable and I guess that is what I have sort of been afraid of. second guessing what you would want to read about.
As for my lack of artwork I could put it down to the fact I have been very stressed and I just can't draw when i am stressed. or the fact i have found a slightly different outlet for my creativity which is frog shaped cuddly toy... anyway here is to all those brave people out there who walk dogs on a daily basis and are fighting terrible demons and diseases - never forget being brave is about knowing you are not in it alone that he is with you IS 40:29-31...
now to hit publish...
Saturday 2 March 2013
Je chante donc je suis...
I sing therefore I am.
I have a beautiful voice. There is no getting round it, it's the one thing in the entire world I am not modest about. There are a couple of reasons for this; one is that when you practise something for as much as I did as a teenager you have to love your voice with all your heart the other is less practical I see my voice as a direct gift from God. Its not something you can buy your either born with a lovely voice or your not yes you can train it but its something that God gives as a gift; but you could say that about anything really. But mostly because it set me apart it was something that they couldn't pick on me for because it was and is beautiful.
When I was 18, I was utterly consumed by how good my voice was I loved it I would sing all the time. I would practise my songs, exercises and other such things for 30 hours a week or more as well as all my school work. I loved to sing it was what defined me what my whole life centred around. It was an Idol I suppose. when I went to university I guess my love for it fizzled a bit not because I didn't love to sing, I still do, but because it didn't set me apart and I couldn't practise as much because I was in Halls then in a house. What I mean is it didn't define me. I wasn't Allie the one with the beautiful voice because there were lots of people with beautiful voices and some were far better than mine. Uni politics for shows was brutal, you had to be as far as I could tell; pretty and slim with a good voice and amazing acting skills to get anywhere oh and of course you had to be friends with the director or producer that got you somewhere.
When my faith underwent a revival I noticed that in worship I was singing so people would say after the service what a beautiful voice I had not for God. I had brought my idol into his house, it took me a while to realise that. I felt lost because my one true gift of worship I had been misusing and I questioned every time I opened my mouth in worship; who I was worshipping God or my Ego? This is why I took to signing, because I knew that if I was signing it was for God and him alone. No one would know if I was any good or not or what I was doing but I needed him to know that I was trying to worship him not myself.
At the moment I feel God has parked this gift. I sing at the weddings and Funerals I verger for and in the church choir. I hope that in the future he has something for me to use it for his glory but for now It sings the psalms quite happily and lord of the dance (I still don't quite get that as a wedding song). I know we have to use our gifts, but they have seasons. One thing I know is this (psalm 62:5) My salvation and Glory depend on God. I don't want my Voice to be the thing that sets me apart amongst people. I want my heart for Christ and the way I am growing to be more like him to be what makes me distinctive not how well I can sing.
Monday 25 February 2013
The green eyed monster with auburn curls.
I have always wanted curly hair -auburn curly hair.
I mean really really wanted hair that would naturally curl in any way shape or form. curly hair has always fascinated me mostly because I have never had it. If I curl my hair with tongues my hair it lasts all of 15 minutes as in by the time you have curled one side the other would have dropped within the hour its pretty much straight again but lanky. There is only one way I can get my hair to curl for more than about 5 minutes that is to twist it up wet with mousse and sleep in it.It sounds really petty and stupid but I have always wanted auburn curly hair. I am not someone who puts much stock in my appearance I don't wear make up or anything like that because i firmly believe if I am going to spend money on how i look it is better spent in moisturiser and cleanser than foundation. Also it says in the bible God took time over making us in his image and making us beautiful (psalm 139) It kind of feels like if I dyed my hair or had it permed then I would be throwing it in his face. Some people might say its where our free will comes in and with that I agree, that if you want to style what god has given you then why not that is where i sit on my body but clearly each to their own.
When I curl my hair in the twisty way I look like miss 1987. It doesn't look good and I wonder why I did it because it is uncomfortable to sleep in and because it looks bad 2-5 hours later lanky kinks are the order of the day. So why do I do it? because I am envious of people with beautiful curls because I want to have curls like Taylor swift not like Dedire from Corrie and because we always want what we can't have and when we have it we aren't satisfied with it that is human nature
I read an atricle this week about how facebook perpetuates envy which was linked on facebook by a friend of mine
why checking facebook makes us feel bad about ourselves
We are so easily envious in our society. I find it very difficult not to be envious of people who have what I want in life not just auburn curls but more serious things like people who are engaged or have children. I am envious each time it comes up in the top corner Jane bloggs just got engaged or Joe bloggs is in a relationship... Gemma Smith was born with pictures from her parents one of whom who I knew vaguely at school or university.
Envy is not a fruit of the spirit. It is sinful, because it tells god that we don't like how he has blessed us and we want to perpetuate the kingdom of me. its the siren call of the world look what you are missing out on it doesn't see how God has blessed us. Just that he isn't doing in the way he is others. Thing is we can't control God just know he is soverign and that he loves us, gratitude trumps Envy every time...
Monday 18 February 2013
The longest two letter word in the English language.
IF
I don't quite know how two letters can say so much. If is the longest two letter word in the english language because it changes everything.One word can create hope, fear, enlightenment, anxiety... every emotion in the english language can be created by this one word.
Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's kingdom.'
but in this messy world can we really believe that? if we have free will surely there are so many ways life can go. But what actually happens that is up to us, but once something is done its done do we really believe is an alternative. God is all knowing all powerful but we do get choice. He just knows what we will choose.
We all do it though, get hung up on the alternative life plan. The one that never happened, the guy we never kissed the path not taken. Is If our way of saying that we are unhappy with our current circumstances or that we are so aware of the failiblity of our decisions.
I don't think there is a place for us to wallow in the might have been in the coulda woulda shoulda that life throws at us because it stops us from thinking of the now and living in the moment. we are not those people. We make the choices we make with what we know being who we are. we have to live with our choices, whatever they are good or bad.
If you read too much sci fi and watch too much Fringe then the idea of a parallel universe is appealing the one where Hitler won the war or you took the train. but reality is what is here and now (for the benefit of Dotterelly et al) what you percieve is by definition your reality ( with or without unicorns).
So its time to give up IF to consign the coulda woulda shoulda to writers who write fiction, if has no place in our reality because it distracts us from the now.
We all do it though, get hung up on the alternative life plan. The one that never happened, the guy we never kissed the path not taken. Is If our way of saying that we are unhappy with our current circumstances or that we are so aware of the failiblity of our decisions.
I don't think there is a place for us to wallow in the might have been in the coulda woulda shoulda that life throws at us because it stops us from thinking of the now and living in the moment. we are not those people. We make the choices we make with what we know being who we are. we have to live with our choices, whatever they are good or bad.
If you read too much sci fi and watch too much Fringe then the idea of a parallel universe is appealing the one where Hitler won the war or you took the train. but reality is what is here and now (for the benefit of Dotterelly et al) what you percieve is by definition your reality ( with or without unicorns).
So its time to give up IF to consign the coulda woulda shoulda to writers who write fiction, if has no place in our reality because it distracts us from the now.
Saturday 9 February 2013
Saturday 2 February 2013
a turtle named Hope and a self portrait.
I am back drawing again!
For best part of three weeks I just couldn't draw I have really been struggling. Often I see images when I read bible passages. that is what inspires me but the last few weeks I have consistently drawn a blank, almost literally. Its been a heavy going three weeks but finally we have some drawings. I am hoping the biblical imagery will follow!A Turtle Called Hope
So imagine my delight when I put pencil to paper and a turtle appears ( water colour pencils.) I don't know what made me draw a turtle but I did. I love drawing beaches. they are lovely I've learnt you leave a gap between the sand and the sea and it looks like the foam of the surf.
A self portrait.
My last attempt looked a lot like Rachel from friends, not really sure about this one - the glasses are wonky and it still doesn't look like me perhaps we are getting better- although I doubt it. I think its because I am no good at observational artwork, I can't copy I never have been able to, writing or pictures I just can't do it. Still its drawing which excites me!
Art work and Gifts.
I thank God often for my imagination for the fact I can draw things and write stories. I love to be creative. I couldn't think of a time when I didn't enjoy it. we all have different talents. Mine is not for observational artwork but the joy in drawing. and who knows one day I might be able to draw something really brilliant.
Sunday 27 January 2013
what-chya listening to.
Yesterday I realised I suck at evangelism, we are told to go out an make disciples and I ask God for opportunities but when they come along I just bottle it or sound like a weirdo and I am not- well not much. but I just can't bring myself to shove God at people. I don't think God is like that
So I am sitting on the bus last night to meet my friend for a chat and some chips - Girly night in. I'm sat on the back seat on the left hand side doing no harm to anyone listening to my music I have a mixture of secular music, Musicals and Christian music on my Mp3 player when this guy, well Lad, appears and asks if the middle seat is taken. Its empty and I don't know the people on the other side. so I quietly say no. I don't know why I attract weirdos but I do sometimes they are good sometimes not so much.
"what-chya listening to?" he asks.
I tell him Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman. I couldn't remember which wrote the song I was listening to.
" Never heard of them, can I have a listen?" he asks.
I explain to him that they are Christian singers and he probably wouldn't like them or the music.
He asks again so I offer him a pink ear bud.
"you're right" he says after 10 seconds " I don't like it."
he tells me he is going into town to the pub and then he asks me what I do so I tell him that I work for a church- kind of like a intern. He asks me if I want to be a priest which I laugh off. I explain that I don't know what I want to do.
" so why are you into all this God stuff then if you don't want to be a priest." here is the killer question. If I was a better Christian or an evangelist I would have said something more profound but I pitched for the truth " Jesus is my best friend I just want to serve him." nothing about the Cross nothing about anything more.
" do you believe God is your father?" he asked. I blanched.
"in a spiritual sense yes. Course I have an earthly dad but he is my spiritual one."
Then he told me his age and his name and got off the bus.
I kind of think that its going to be like this though. Little odd snippets of conversations, no one stands on the corner with a bible any more and those that do get funny looks and ostracise the church more ( in my opinion). Its not the done thing, I hope I intrigued him enough to find an Alpha course. But it will probably be forgotten after in a night in the pub. Maybe God is giving me practise or opportunity I don't know but what I do know is this real grass roots evangelism is messy and perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on myself. After all I came out of the conversation looking human not judgemental or worse superior perhaps that is not bad for a beginner....
Saturday 19 January 2013
The Great British Nomad
A Place to call Home.
In the last 5 Years I have had 8 different Addresses and by the end of Today I will have moved 10 times. (The other two were moving back to my parents) To some people this might not be a big deal but for someone who until they were 19 had only had one address, and in many ways it never feeling like home, its still kind strange to be packing and moving again.
There is this great thing I keep getting told about being in your twenties that you should write your address in Pencil. Moving this much doesn't bother me any more its part of my calling. To move, to experience a different environment to get settled one way and then have to adapt to change. Knowing that work is a 12 minute walk away and tommorow it will be a 30 minute walk away is something that you get used to and I am glad that life isn't stagnant.
Everything in me wants to settle. Human nature makes us want to settle to find one place that we can call home and live there and not have to think about it. Addresses are written in marker pen. I guess we can get like that with our faith too. We get comfortable and cosy, we know what we can do and we resist change and challenge in our lives because they are not safe. I know I did.
It took me about 6 times of writing my address in pencil to realise that its only an address its only the subheading of that chapter of your life. The address written on the bookplate is Beloved Adopted Daughter (Allie -----) C/o Heaven by invitation of Jesus Christ. My home address is there and it has been my whole life. I think the reason God has made me move so often is because he knows I couldn't get this otherwise, I have to know that all earthly addresses are transitory but my home is in him.
This comes entirely from the practise of surrender. Surrender to him really does sound like we've given up because in the earthly meaning of the world it is cowardly its giving up on something because you don't have the will to fight it. I've realised over the last five years it brings total release, it is a daily and hourly choice but its worth it. Its courageous its choosing not to settle in the earthly to make the most of your circumstance and not be bothered about what is your current circumstance but where your home is.
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