The Ghosts of the Past.

I guess I haven't been writing for a while. This is because of my brokenness. Because I have been back at the parents and I am not coping well with it its been like 2 weeks and I haven't got a job yet and nothing seems to be biting. I just didn't want to be another voice groaning about something online. I didn't trust myself not to rant about the job market or job hunting or being unsure of what is next. to share with you the reason I am not drawing is because I am not feeling happy enough to and I packed my sketchbook and pencils somewhere and still haven't found them because I can't bring myself to unpack because If I do then I am saying that I am staying. I unpacked the one bag I put all the essentials in  but nothing more.

Its stupid because I have plenty of self control I have more patience than I ever thought existed. I trust God implicitly so therefore this fear isn't rational but still. Its all broken logic. After 13 or so moved in the last five years I can pack everything up in like an hour. Its totally irrational and I can't think of anything original to say. I have nothing worth sharing except the pain except the fear and the difficulty of living in a place I really don't feel well in nor have I ever. It sucks the life out of me being here. I have to cling onto the fact that it won't be for long.

Then I realised no one talks about the pains that keep them from places from situations. Everyone avoids something for one reason or another. Like when something particular comes up in conversation its the moment to go to the ladies. something I have learnt in this season is that avoiding or failing to get over your past is only ever detrimental to your future.

I walked past my primary school on the way to church tonight and I wondered if that little girl that started school on her fifth birthday would think of the twenty something  walking past those gates that seemed like ten feet tall  nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes I miss that innocence, that five year old who just wanted to be at school just wanted her life to start. She truth is that I'm not her and she is not me. She was me well more grammatically correct I was her. but now is the only part of my life I can control. My now is what I have to concentrate on no matter how hard it is. The choices we make are always ours and always in the now. So maybe I just need to concentrate on how on earth in this season that is hurting me and draining me so much I can give God glory.

thoughts about life

7th July  (forgot to press post)


I have done something radical. I have banned all negative and unproductive thoughts from entering my domain. I will  be positive about this situation and the fact I have two weeks ( ish) left of this internship and still no job to speak of - I have no idea what my next address will be or indeed where it will be in the world but god does. somehow that went from being epically scary to actually being ok.  People often say they wish they had my faith. but it goes hand in hand with the doubt and the periods when God either is or feels silent.

I am content being single which is probably a good sign, in fact being single is great - don't get me wrong I still dream of the beautiful family I will have one day but that could be like 10 years away... I pray its closer than that but Its kind of up to God. I like the idea that I haven't had my romance story yet and it will be brilliant.

Praying how you were designed to.

14th July  (Thought I had pressed post)

We are the body of Christ. Sometimes we forget how important community is. In the last six months I have noticed something. God more than often answers my prayers for other people far more often than my prayers for myself.

I'm not saying that you should stop praying for yourself because personal prayer cultivates personal relationship with Jesus. What I am saying is we shouldn't get so wrapped up in our personal issues that we forget that we are supposed to pray in community we are supposed to bring all the troubles of the world to the foot of the cross whether they are ours or not. when we fail to see that we were designed for fellowship and community we miss out. After all - when two or three are gathered in his name....

I am thankful for all those praying for me.