Beyond the tinsel

IThis year my Christmas will look very different. Not just because it will be the first without my family but because I am in a different culture entirely.

I thought that I had a good Christian view of Christmas. But being in a country where the possibility of a white Christmas is pretty much nil.
Also in a culture where you are very much Christian and yet don't go to church on Christmas day is alien.

It has lead me to ponder the bare bones of Christmas. What it is and why we celebrate it. The other day I saw the Grinch stole Christmas for the first time and I wonder if  that is the secular perception that it is just consumerism gone crazy.

Christmas comes from the mass of Christ we celebrate his birth that is not new news to most people. Most people have random childhood nativity memories. I as Mary in my nursery nativity play swapped josephs half way to Bethlehem. Because Joseph one decided that he would rather be a shepherd with guys brother. I know of stories of the first  innkeepers saying come in we have cable or wise men running off with the gold.

But where does that leave us with unto us a child is born unto us a son is given. Because god himself intervening in human history to change it and our fate in a world where everyone had turned away (psalm 53:2-3) was not enough? The creator and architect of our very universe would wear human flesh and come to earth as we do cocooned in our mother. Vulnerable, dependant and naked.  He showed us what it means to love to be close to god and the life that he would have us live. Perhaps that is the point him and only him our god is with us.

History

As I have said a few times my degree is in History. A  lot of people think that History is the past and a study of the past. Which in many ways it is but true History is more than that. What happened is the Past, our understanding of it that is history. The Cambridge dictionary defines history as ( the study of ) past events when considered together. 

History is an admission of our humanity, It is saying that we ourselves are fallible and we can only see things through our own filters and perspectives. My first ever history lesson in Secondary School we were taught about bias, Bias is not history's dirty secret but it is one of the foundations of Historical inquiry. Put another way we would not have History without people seeing things in different ways. After all if you were talking objectively Hilter was one of the most Charismatic public speakers that ever lived but there are few who would agree with his view of German History. If any society is burning their history books it is a sign that they are totalitarian because it shows that they do not value anyone else's opinion and have to make sure that everyone is on their agenda and version of the past. 

Lately I have been thinking about filters and perspectives a lot. I have also been thinking about my personal History and wondering if I need to reform my view of my History through the filter of the knowledge of Christ. After all perception is 9/10ths of conviction. What if I let Jesus write my History book. What if I let him decide what was a defining moment in my life. What If I let him decided to what extent I am good, lovely, lovable? would my view of others change? would my view of myself change? So I decided to give him my past as I remembered it and let him reform my history and personally it has made me more able to move on from things in my life. After all we are told to  forget the former things - do not dwell in the past (Isaiah 43). in the message that passage says ' be alert, be present' and I think we have to let God deal with our stories so that we can live well in the now. 

I think that is part of what we carry as Christians.In the Bible it says of Christ that he is the lord of History. We are also told to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Therefore isn't that part of the hope that he brings to people the ability not to change the past but their perception of it. If all things come together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes, then surely he can give you a new view of your past.

So when we declare that we will change History for Christ when we believe that God wants us to change the trajectory of the world we are in. We should also be aware that he wants to show people a new perspective on the past that they have lived too. 

Choosing to see Beautiful.

I stood staring at my reflection wondering what I would look like if I were beautiful I mean really beautiful. I had a good idea because I have photos in which I vaguely look pretty and one or two where I might actually pass for Beautiful. But as I stared and stared I wondered also who got to make the rules and why did so many people tell me I was beautiful when I just can't see it. When I was a baby so many people used to stop the pram and tell my mother I was beautiful that my older brother genuinely thought that beauty was my name ( true story!). Either there is a conspiracy that everyone is trying to lie to me for a strange reason or perhaps I am somewhere beyond ' ok looking'.

If your immediate response to that is ' what is she talking about she is really beautiful! She hasn't seen my face' I would say thank you and politely suggest that we are in the same boat especially because I picked a blog picture I looked good in! You are probably equally not seeing your beauty ( I say that in love).

In the bible beauty is about the heart and how our heart is ( 1 peter 3:4) . In song of songs he calls us beautiful ( Sos 4:1) whilst this is true as it is scripture as is the fact that we are masterpieces of the Father I think we have allowed the world to warp our perception of beauty. Even for someone like me who actively shuns the image of perfection in the media and doesn't really mind about fashion at all. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So perhaps we should take off the glasses of the world that have distorted it.

WE all know that out view of beauty is distorted - liposucked, airbrushed and thin. But no one is offering an alternative of how else to see beauty except perhaps a soap manufacturer and a few blogs. Beauty is seeing the craftsmanship its seeing the loving hand of a master craftsman.  But it is more than that knowing you are beautiful is part of your original design because we are all one of a kind God made us all uniquely beautiful.

I can see the beauty of God in people all the time some times it takes longer than others but I  always see it and its more than a nose or a hair style its how you smile its the way you speak to people its how you are uniquely you . But I can't always see it in myself. I am living in community at the moment and one of the lads frequently points out that ' You call everyone beautiful people,' and that is possibly true but I am sincere when I say it because I see the beauty in people in their appearance, their hearts and who they are but I don't know how I can therefore fail to see it in myself.

It is easier to label beauty as something other than yourself. It is easy to see what you lack to compare yourself to models and brides. I avoid mirrors as much as I can because I find it difficult to look at myself.  But I realised this week that to be honest I am not ok with that. I want to see my beauty not so I can be vain but because I want to walk in his master craftsmanship. I want to see how he made me beautiful.

It is a stronghold and a lie to think that I am not beautiful. It is a lie to believe that I lack beauty when I was crafted by the master and I am a masterpiece. Then I realised that it is a choice, I have to choose to see past all the weight I have gained to see past the spots and the Eczema on my face and see myself how God sees me. Perhaps that is the challenge to see ourselves how God sees us. As the beautiful carefully crafted masterpiece he so lovingly created. True beauty is in who you are as well as what you look like. It is beyond the map of your body but I think we have to learn to see the beauty in that map to see how my nose and ears and eyes were crafted. to see how lovely I am to love myself as he does and to see his beautiful unique masterpiece as Allie, 1 of 1. Beautiful.

Remember remeber

The fifth of november -gunpowder treason and plot.

So as a Brit abroad i have found myself explaining why we celebrate a  terrorist attack  which was prevented. We burn an effigy of the long dead terrorist and  set off explosives to show what didn't happen on the fifth of November 1605.
To be honest I love to celebrate bonfire night and the distinct lack of fireworks (here in the US ) feels disconcerting. The pilgrims  were fleeing England because of the same piece of legislation as the group of Catholic noble men wanting to bomb the king and parliament.  (Hampton court conference1604) one because they felt it allowed too much and one because it didn't go far enough. This is also where the king James Bible was commissioned.

The terrorists of 1605 had a group portrait made so it was easy to find them -rookie mistake. Guy Fawkes was caught red handed with the gunpowder.

To others cultures it may seem a little bit strange to celebrate a failed terrorist attack  but it is an integral part of who we are as a nation. Firstly that we do not negotiate with terrorists nor do we allow people to sway our political system by fear. Secondly that we have a monarchy and are not at the mercy of the Catholic interpretation of the gospel.  We are  a democratic but we have a queen whom is to prevent the disintegration of our culture and stand with our political system. (not what James I defined monarchy as). However  we  celebrate on the fifth of November who we are as a nation. It's quirky and slightly strange but it's ours.

We celebrate the fifth of November because it constitutes our freedom and  unbaised government. That is worth celebrating.

Remember remember the fifth of November gunpowder treason and plot...

Worthy

' Jesus is worth every penny I didn't earn.'. The preacher last night spoke those words and they pierced through my heart. He had been speaking about the worthiness of God and the two commandments that Jesus gives us.

For last couple of weeks I have lost sight of why I have come half way around the world because of a still small voice inside my head. I forgot how worthy God is- how worthy Jesus is. He is so worthy and worth it. I forgot that I would rather be in the centre of his will for my life than comfort of home.Why is he worthy that is the easy part he gave everything for me he loves me enough to die for me to conquer death and I am struggling to cope with being in a first world country where they are just taking the mick for the fact I am not american.

The truth is that Jesus is worth it all. Not just the stuff that happens but the stuff that didn't. He is worth every single penny I didn't earn. As I have said before on this Blog  I could have had many promising careers but God has given me this nomadic adventure instead ( gap year or Gap life? 07/14). I have an amazing degree from a Russell Group university in History. I have Qualifications enough to do so many things. I could have been anything I had set my heart on... My full course GCSEs were All As and A*s I have three Good A levels. I could have been earning well over £20,000 by now, I could have started have thinking about a mortgage. For some people that is what God asks of them and that is amazing but not what he has asked of me. He is worth the sacrifice always.

His way is worth it, It matters that he desires for us to be highly holy people. He is worth the alcohol I didn't drink, the drugs I never tried and the boys I didn't kiss. He is worth the opportunities I passed up and the outfits I never wore. He is worth the nights praying,every fasted meal and the choices my parents didn't like. He will be worth the Christmas I won't spend with my family. He is so worthy. I don't know How I could have lost sight of how worthy he is.

Worthy, worthy is the lamb.

Encounters with the messiah: Jesus calms the storm

This week I was challenged to meditate on scripture more and something many people have  challenged me on over the years and obviously sometimes I draw pictures when God speaks to me on a scripture but other times I, being a writer imagine myself in the scene. I may try to do a series here on encounters with the messiah.

This is Jesus calming the storm ( Mark 4:35-41, Matthew 8:23-27, Luke 8:22-25 ). In my artistic liscence I have decided that the boat belonged to Peter's Family and the story is told from one of the young hired hands.

One stormy night.
I can't say I ever thought that I of all people would meet the messiah. I had been thrown out of school mostly because of a failure to pay attention not long after my bar mitzvah. The priests were strict and anyway no one from my background had ever gotten too far to be a Rabbi. I began working for my uncle who had two sons Simon and Andrew. They were a few years older than I was. I was there that day when the rabbi came and asked the brothers to follow him. No rabbi asks the fishermen but this one did.

A few months later the vessel I had been working had been commandeered by the masters son for his Rabbi. I had only met the man that once. Simon's father had a lot of boats all across the sea of Galilee. We sailed perhaps half a furlong before he curled up to sleep, he looked so at peace. The rest of us took some time together on the deck He had twelve followers so there were around fifteen of us men the some of the crowd had got into boats too. John and James looked uneasy, as suddenly the sky began to darken and the water stirred. I had sailed long enough to know that there was a storm brewing. We began to make haste on the sails and get the boat ready but then the wave pulled the boat starboard side. Judas one of the disciples was sick over the side as we were pulled towards the stern I had never seen the sea so vicious.
I looked over at the Rabbi as I was pulled backwards towards him asleep in the stern. he still had that complete look of peace over his face. I didn't expect the pitch port ward and I reached for a rope to pull the sails in to stop them from being torn to shreds. a wave crested over the bow of the ship drenching Simon and a couple of the disciples who were holding onto the side of the boat. Once again the ship lurched towards to bow and I wondered if we would survive this one. I didn't know how to swim - it wasn't proper for a Jewish man to neither Simon nor Andrew did either.
The wave that crashed over the starboard side added half an inch of water to the bottom of the boat. The squall was loud and with each wave the boat filled more and more with water. The wind was so high I could barely feel my fingers.

I knew that Rebecca the girl I had promised myself too and my aunt would loose both her sons today. I prayed inside my head that God would show mercy on us.

"what do we do?" Matthew shouted over the waves to the others as the lighting hit the beach and the thunder roared above us. The boat lurched once more causing a wave in the water flooding our feet.before Thomas looked at the Rabbi asleep at the back of the boat.
" Wake him - he always knows what to do." Thomas said quickly. James son of Alpheus agreed and made his way towards the teacher.
I had heard the stories he had turned water into wine, he had healed the sick and cured the lame and his teachings were with such power and authority I wondered whether he was merely a Rabbi or a prophet also. Finally he got to the Rabbi and woke him.
" master, Master we are going to drown!" James son of Alpheus said as Judas was sick again over the side.
The rabbi got up and rebuked the waves and wind and suddenly all was calm again.
"Where is your faith?!" he asked the disciples.
I couldn't believe what I had seen this man had calmed the storm with one word and all I could wonder was who is this man that even the wind and the waves obey him. Which was what Jonah one of the other fishermen asked me afterwards but something in me knew that this was the man we were waiting for our messiah.

Its time to raise your colours.

 Brothers and sisters in Christ we are at War.

I have talked about spiritual warfare before ( all's fair ) but like most things as I grow closer to understanding more about Jesus I have learned more about the truth of it. We are deeply intrenched in spiritual warfare. 

I should point out that it is the difference between the landing at D-day when the allied troops fought the decisive battle of WW2 and won on the beaches of normandy and the VE day when hitler was finally defeated. The cross was the decisive battle in this war. Jesus made the breakthrough that meant that we have won the war but  the VE Day- victory on Earth day- has not come so we are fighting as the kingdom of God advances to wipe out the kingdom of this world and its darkness. 

I am not someone who fixates on the end times. I mean I have read revelation and I have read the bible but I haven't really made any effort to really take a note of it all. C.S Lewis said that there are two equal and opposite mistakes to make when it comes to the devil one is to fixate on him and give him more attention than he is due and the other is to totally discount him as a fictional part of the imagination of men. Both he delights in. Here is the truth in perspective to God tall mighty and strong  the devil is merely a mosquito by comparison but we need to know his strategy so we may prepare ourselves to fight against him. 

In medieval times we would have a standard barer to show the colours and the standard of the two countries/armies fighting each other. England is the Lion. We have our own lion on our standard - the lion of Judah and the lamb who was slain. I therefore encourage you brothers and sisters to raise your colours and your standards. Passivity is a sin. We do not have a passive God - if you haven't experienced the warfare you are doing something wrong. We are not called to a life of comfort. Jesus told us we would have trouble. We are called to be content and to take every thought captive. 

Here are some notes for the beginners of understanding spiritual warfare.

If you didn't know it your mind is not your own - When in Matthew 4 Jesus is tempted in the desert the enemy uses his imagination and his mind to trick him. There is no reason to think that your thoughts are always entirely your own. Some are yours, some are from God some are your conscience, some are the enemy and some are people around you. if you can't pinpoint a thought Go to an unexplained negative feeling then backtrack to the thought that produced it. Take those thoughts captive!

Declare over yourself truth. - this is important the enemy loves it when we are uncertain as he is the father of lies. he likes to give you a half truth ' if you really are the son of God.'...'did not god say you could eat of any of the fruit...' The enemy will twist things. If you speak truth (scripture and God's character) over the situation he will flee. 

Repent - for the kingdom of heaven is close at hand. The enemy has nothing on true repentance- turning your life in the opposite direction and following Christ. The kingdom of heaven is here we live in the overlap of this present evil age and the kingdom of Heaven which is to come. 

you are not fighting flesh and blood but powers and principalities ( Ephesians 6) people may be evil but they are children of God who haven't accepted his adoption. There are no spiritual foster children to God you are either accepting of the fact that you are adopted into his family or you are not and are spiritually orphaning yourself. To come into his house you have to take his name and live by his rules as he lavishes his love on you. you can't just live in his house but remain a slave to your sin. His house is one of family and home its not a half way house its home. 

You have all authority in Christ Jesus. In the gospels he tells you that you have it. Honestly (this isn't in the bible) but I think we have ranks when it comes to fighting the enemy. By that I mean that as we grow in experience and closer to him he gives us a better understanding of our authority and power so we move up and for some people he has given more jurisdiction in different places. It is to do with which gifts ( it says in 1 Corinthians 12 all those who are baptised of the spirit have gifts) he has given us and the confidence and experience we have more than anything earned.  It should always be the case that if you are in over your head backup is needed we are a team and we fight together.

Remember Satan's end game is your destruction and death and the Lords is your prosperity and life. God is true and the truth of his character and love shines from his word ( that is always the measure of what is and isn't his voice) and Satan is the father of all lies. Therefore keep watch but raise your colours for your eternal king and his Kingdom.  

Migraine - the reality of the headache that isn't a headache.

So I have never talked about an awareness week before but this is something that I really feel that people don't understand.This week is Migraine awareness week (7th-13th September)

I get migraines I get the severe kind, and when I am lucky I get the less severe kind. Migraines are not just bad headaches they are something totally different. I have been having them since I was a child, two years or so ago I was getting them nigh constantly and I just couldn't function so I now take medication for them. Yes I believe that Jesus can heal them and I constantly go for prayer - he is healer. But I am yet to see healing. What I do know is that unless you have experienced a bad migraine it is often the case that you consider a bad headache one. It is more than that. So I feel I should share an experience of severe migraine from someone who really knows what severe migraine is like. I am a writer and it is migraine awareness week so here goes.

Severe Migraine 

It strikes me unexpectedly in the middle of a moment that was ordinary. I was enjoying that moment that glorious calm of glorious Sunday afternoon. A wave of dizziness gushes through my body and suddenly I feel sick. Not the kind of sick when my less than tactful friends discuss toilet humour whilst eating chocolate cake but the real kind- the home from school, bleach inducing sick. Then the lightning strikes those bright lights that have no source or plug jaggedly across my vision. I want to sit or lie but the nausea stirs so I opt to sit on the throne and nothing happens except that gyroscope of balance I feel dizzy now the kind of dizzy no one can explain as if I am sailing on a ship without water. Then the ship's horn blasts that ringing in my ears that moment I know what is next.

As if to confirm my suspicion I can feel it in the left side the headache that isn't a headache that familiar stab of pain. Migraine. I stagger through the day trying to hold up the façade of normality. I am a strong woman I can do this I can.... until I can bear it no longer and even my phone screen is just to bright to look at. I succumb to the medication: the codeine that I know is not good for me mixed with paracetamol and the anti nausea stuff. I wonder if the tablets I am faithfully taking have toned this down but I know that it doesn't matter because I know the drill I know my pain threshold has been reached and I turn off the now too bright lights and sit until the nausea and pain would subside enough to lie down. I feel those pins and needles the ones that tell me this is a dangerous migraine course through my body either the right or left hand side I am too tired to know and in too much pain to care. It's just this hand and that hand now. I try to think because I have nothing left but thinking, but I can't not with the intermittent blaring and the lightening. I can feel him now that sumo wrestler pinning me to the chair to the bed I am not even sure what I am sitting on as I have closed my eyes and memory is for someone else. I concentrate on breathing and wondering if this time it will be over soon. 

Time passes unending and unyielding to anything except this migraine.

More time just being in pain being migraine.

More and more time and the frustration kicks into the pit of my stomach 

Time again more time unending pain and lights show with intermittent statistic in my ears the tingling and pins and needles.  

I am stuck here - pinned as a butterfly waiting for that moment when the intensity backs off.

There is no way of knowing what time is passing finally the medication I took starts to kick in and I thank Jesus for it. I know its probably been minutes but I couldn't know more than that.

As I am able to form a thought or two I think over what I should be doing right now. Not that I can move or think without really trying or anything. the pain in my skull is unbearable and the pins and needles feel strange on my skin in my face in my body down to my leg lopsided. I wonder in the darkness if this is what a stroke feels like then if I was having a stroke would I know. My mind wanderers to the lights show behind my eyelids. 

Time passes

Hours pass - days sometimes. my phone sounds too loud and I know its my life calling or my mother- where are you? and I equally know that I cannot answer it as it would require movement. The noise is louder than usual and it pierces my ear. I feel the relief when it stops. 

I ride out the storm in too much pain to form any more than small and abstract notions - pre thoughts. Until it begins to subside and all I can hear is the feint hum of the fridge or the bark of a neighbours dog and it doesn't hurt. The lightening has gone and the headache settles across my head it is bearable now in that moment exhausted and relieved I fall into the open arms of sleep and wake. I still feel exhausted but hunger has over taken it and the need to find the bathroom. My alarm clock says 5 am and I calculate the hours I have been out of it. I drink a pint of water and eat a little toast wondering what I missed. I take my pills and wonder if I ate the wrong thing or if it was just one of those random ones, before going back to sleep and facing a groggy day.

The C word that no one really wants to talk about: Chastity.

Chastity. ( Long and slightly controversial post warning) 

Often people use Chastity and celibacy interchangeably and actually they mean something subtly but crucially different. To my understanding at least ( and the dictionary), Celibacy is the choice that you won't ever get married (or have sex) - it is also often thought of as a gift of the spirit. On the other hand chastity is the choice to wait until you get married for sex ( with only your spouse). By definition all  who are celibate are chaste but not all who are chaste are celibate. I thought I would clear up that definition before we waded into this controversial topic.

Chastity is kind of a dirty word in the modern world. Even in some Christian circles! Waiting is not cool nor is it liberal and neither is it what anyone really wants to do. Even if it is waiting until you are engaged; very few people of my generation will marry as virgins or marry virgins even Christians.People often put it down to hormones and yes hormones are powerful but you are bigger than your hormones. You have control over your body whether you like it or not! You are responsible for your actions as I am responsible for mine.

 I was in a seminar on homosexuality at a national Christian conference ( again one controversial topic at a time) but he gave a really valid point which was something that we often use to point the finger at homosexual people saying to them 'you have broken sexuality' when the truth is we all have a broken sexuality straight or gay - because we are broken people. ... I'm not just talking fifty shades of nasty, this is even true in biblical times for example the polygamy of Jacob( again one controversial topic at a time). I am talking about no matter what you think your sexuality is not pure it has been polluted by the fallen world we live in -but neither is it something you should feel ashamed of or be made to feel ashamed of because ultimately it is from God and it was a gift and Satan likes to make us ashamed of our gifts. Moreover, its one of those gifts that has a context like a combo ice and roller skate( detachable skate section) . How you use it and how it looks differ with the season.

Anyway then the guy running the seminar did an interesting straw poll. He told everyone in the room whose youth leader told them 'to wait until you got married to have sex' to put their hand up and around 90% of the packed cowshed put their hand up then he asked for you to keep your hand up if they told you why. and there were around two people with their hands left up.  He then explained that no one keeps a rule that they don't understand. which is true. No one thought to tell us why and if our generation don't know why then unless we sought it out, then are we giving those younger than us the right impression, many of the people in the cow shed were older than me so did they role model us the wrong impression - not that its their fault either if well the generation before.... you get the picture. Here is me breaking the cycle. Because if we don't understand it we are less likely to keep it but because when our friends question it ( and they still question it into your twenties) you will be able to give them an answer more than saying something you don't actually think like -' I just want my spouse to be the first' as I did before I finally understood it this year.

Since I was a teenager I have been thinking about this question and reading the bible on the subject- Why wait?- more so since I became single two and a half years ago.I thought I would share with you some reasons why Chastity is asked of us as Christians and myth busting some common replies and excuses both ways and actually getting to the bottom of why wait?

I am not talking about the skirting around the subject; rubbish that I was palmed off with ' what a lovely gift for your husband'... ' its just what good girls do'... the real reasons. It is time for us to know them and be able to explain them. I also should point out something - as Christians we should not just blindly accept anything given to us we should be looking for ourselves and having the debate, drawing our own conclusions about things. Praying for God to renew our minds on the topic. So here is some of my research- you can take or leave....

One Flesh ( the important part that they didn't tell us.) The actual reason that God invented sex.

So many people will tell you that God invented sex for marriage but they don't tell you why. The evidence of God creating sex was before the fall it was at the end of God creating the garden of Eden and came with the creation of eve. Therefore sex was created before the fall so in and of itself it is not a shameful thing because shame comes with the fall. Newsflash this means that God made Sex and  it is a good thing that God created. But in what context well the bible talks about one flesh.

 and that is why a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they shall become One Flesh Genesis 2:24

 ' and they shall become one flesh' What does that even mean? and they shall become one flesh ( cue spice girls two become one....) the beast with two backs? Hardly it is about penetrative intimacy but its more than that. Sex was designed to grow an intimate union between a husband and wife. Because it was not good for Adam to be alone, God created Eve. Husband and wife will be united and they will be one flesh as if there were no distinction between them physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

This creates soul ties. Soul ties are spiritual bonded connections and ties between two people and they are really really strong the bible uses various terms to describe them often knit together or in this case one flesh and they are not exclusive to sexual relationship. However, they are always present in sexual relationships because of their intimate nature. Sexual Soul ties are really hard to break and they will keep drawing them back to you emotionally, spiritually, physically whether you want them to or not. (Sexual) soul ties are real and they are painful if not made in a loving supportive environment like marriage. Truth is God invented sex to build us up in marriage ( its there in the verse). In marriage you make a covenant commitment to each other and to God, that is heavy and important stuff. so what God designed to be mutually strengthening in the context of that commitment, it makes sense for that to bereally very powerful. [As an aside if you believe you have ones not of marriage pray about it and ask that the Lord break them by his Holy Spirit. and if you are still not sure get someone of the same gender who is experienced in prayer ministry in the power of the holy spirit to help you.]

The Ten Commandments - thou shalt not commit adultery

Now this makes sense. After all the ten commandments were to show an enslaved nation how to live well. Adultery means any sex outside marriage. If God created sex for marriage because of the whole soul ties bonding in the context of covenant commitment, It does make sense that his best isn't to create bonds with people who aren't the person you made the commitment to.

Its a nice/good thing to do- what kind of a present will it be to your husband if you give him this lovely gift on your wedding night.

That is selling sex short and if you tell a teenager not to do something they'll probably do it and most teenagers struggle to see beyond the now in this area unless they know the why. If they know why then the behaviour tends to follow. The other thing is sadly most people  in church know they probably won't marry a virgin. Also in my experience they will hear many testimonies of converts talk about them sleeping around before they were saved but still no one explains to a churched teenager why. It kind of seems like double standards. Also because we live in a sexualized culture we have expectations for sex which come from Hollywood which tell us a fairytale view that no two virgins are likely to get. Because that takes practise,in reality its the learning together that is the joy of it - no matter your experience or so I am told.

STDs

I was only told one reason to the question why wait and it was at school of all places - I went to a Catholic school. I was definitely told, if not in so many words, that those who sleep around get STDs which by definition is on the whole true, but so do virgins who sleep with people who have STDs ( think of the AIDs crisis in Africa and the false view that sleeping with a virgin will 'cure you'). STDs exist and they are no reason not to sleep with someone- actually they are every reason not to sleep with someone if you think they have them- that is just common sense. But the fear of contracting STDs is  not a valid excuse because it is a fear and fear is not of God. Marriage does not prevent them;  Mrs Beaton ( the first ever Mary Berry) died from Syphilis she caught off her husband's pre marital liaisons with prostitutes. In a teenage mind choosing chastity so as to not catch  STDs or even that it is the best contraception ever is no excuse to wait especially if you know that your partner is a virgin too.and of course there is the old 'it will never happen to us'. I should point out that STDs are not God's best for us. Any bad physical consequence ( including unwanted pregnancy) is not God's best for us although he will make for good all circumstances because he knows and loves us enough to know our choices and planned his children accordingly.

No one will buy the cow if they are getting the milk for free... you have to take a test drive.

I have put these two together because they are equally and oppositely untrue. I know plenty of now married people ( including Christians) who have and plenty who haven't all based on their moral compass and/or study of the bible. It's not true that if he sleeps with you now he won't want to marry you and that if you don't you will be stuck with awful sex if you don't try it out. You can gauge your attraction to someone fully clothed - everyone knows that - even teenagers fawning over celebrities. Because here is something no one tells you except if you ask; then many married couples will tell you- Love is a choice, it has nothing to do with sex it is a choice and a commitment. Sex is about expressing that love and commitment. But sex can make you think you are in love when you are not - it comes down to those soul ties again. Personally I am of the view that intimate relationships should be emotionally intimate first then this confusion doesn't happen you should be able to bear your souls to each other before your bodies. I have gained a lot of opinion on this topic ( as you may gather!) and someone said that they would encourage any young person to have a deeply emotionally accountable relationship (friendship) with someone of the same sex before they think about looking to marry. I think it is good advice, also it is healthy to have good close friends who keep you accountable whatever your life stage.

Hedonism why not to wait... the world's view

Our  peers and culture are telling us that sex = empowerment and pleasure that nothing else can match. The pursuit of pleasure is called Hedonism.

Hedonism is a tiger and temptation in this area is just like any other kind of temptation, actually Hedonism is more than a temptation its an idol it puts pleasure and self satisfaction at the centre of your life.  How can we believe that if I eat two chocolate éclairs it will satisfy me for them. Once you have tasted of the pie the temptation is more difficult to resist that is true with sex too hedonism needs bigger pleasure to get the same fix and that is borderline addiction.  First its chocolate éclairs then its Chox buns and after that well you just stop bakery vans and eat the lot right? Yes there is a threshold of self control and I am exaggerating  but I think we forget that we are children of God and like no father wants to have to wheel their morbidly obese child around and pay for their dentures God doesn't want to see us following sex to seek pleasure or satisfaction or identity. Its a rule out of love, like the parent telling the child they can't have the ice cream from the van because they want them to be happy and healthy not always after ice cream.

The thing is we have allowed our culture to define something God created in its own terms. Sex is not solely about pleasure, its actually about much much more: intimacy, love, friendship, covenant commitment its about creating bonds which will last a life time, family and so much more. Its not about the instant gratification and it certainly isn't about you; its about him or her its about loving them enough to share life together all of it the good the bad and the ugly. Sex is not synonymous with pleasure - why do they ( the world and his dog) want to sell it short? that is just it- they want to sell it or rather to use it to sell stuff. Hedonism feeds materialism because when people become a means to pleasure they become a commodity. Sex was never designed to make people a commodity- something you can throw away at the drop of a hat when they no longer meet your needs. Furthermore, when it boils down to it, that is what this sex obsessed culture has at its core materialism and consumerism. True marriage is radically different its about committing your life to someone and them committing theirs to you and that God himself will fill the spaces that your spouse can't because its not just a covenant with each other it is also with God. That is why consumer sex feels empty the morning after because it is in the wrong place and it is missing that agape the security of forever and a faithful God. See you can't talk about healthy sex without marriage even if you want to.

He'll leave me - I feel I have to. 

Anyone who is worth being with will respect your opinion on your own body. Sex without mutual consent has a name its called RAPE. You have to be on the same page or if not you have to go with the most conservative because no matter your religious view that is common decency in any relationship to not push someone to doing things they don't want to do. So what if s/he gets bored and leaves? Being pressured into it is never good  by your partner, your friends, their friends. What does that say about a relationship really if you are being pressured into doing things, you are on shaky ground. If s/he doesn't like that then they are not worth being with because anyone who cares anything will not push you. I know that this doesn't just go guy pushing girl, some of you may not believe it but I know Guys who have been pushed into stuff... Learn who you are and learn where your security lies ( in Christ.). 

I've done it so what does it matter now... 

So whatever the circumstance it happened; drunk, sober, consensual or non-consensual, Christian, atheist at the time, baby, STD, love, boredom, engaged or one night stand you have popped the proverbial cherry so now it doesn't matter... the V card is gone so what is the point in waiting?

If you have given your life to Jesus there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus ( Romans 8:1) and his mercies are new every morning. we are dead in our transgressions and alive in Christ. It doesn't mean you shouldn't confess it, rebuke it and repent of it -its always good to tell him things and get things right with him ( no cheap grace here)- but you should decide on the truth based on the biblical evidence and make your conscience right with him. Sin is sin - murder to gossip. It bothers me that some people have wrongly preached that sexual sin is worse than any other. That is not true. If you caused another to sin then I can see that having a biblical foundation especially if they were innocent but unless you raped someone this is unlikely. Sin is all nailed to the same cross and is all bourne by the same beautiful man. It is all things that separate us from his best. Do not believe sin has a score of how bad because all sin is bad but no sin is irredeemable.( look it up if you don't believe me.)

Soul ties matter so you should be seeking healing and God for those. I believe that there is nothing that God cannot redeem.  We are so like this in our culture - accidently eat the doughnut and write the diet off for another day. oh its January 2nd bang goes that resolution for the year.... do you know what you do with your body matters to God as much now as it did then and he loves you. Choose his way not because you should but because it is the best. His best is the best. Ask for the gift of purity, commit to him the brokenness you carry and  healing your past sexual or not and making his story your story.

and what about that word: Chastity 

Yes its not glamorous and yes it is hard, if you spend any time around married people you will know marriage is hard, oh they don't tell you that one in Disney movies now do they. But you need to learn to be content whatever the circumstances. News flash being single is hard too. For me that means embracing this old fashioned word not as a label but as God's best for me in this season. I know that it is not celibacy the choice not to marry or sleep with anyone but to wait. Wait for whatever God's best means for me. To know that Sex doesn't define pleasure and neither does pleasure define sex. But now I will wait knowing that I have come to my own conclusions which is probably the most important thing of all because my conviction is not based on my feelings but knowing why its God's best and that will  be enough to overrule my feelings if I meet someone. 

 How does Chastity fit in our modern world?

A letter to my fourteen year old self.

I found an old journal the other day and in it I ask a lot of questions aged fourteen. Questions I now can answer at least to an extent and it got me wondering - mostly because I watched the film about time and loved it. What would I  as an adult mid twenties say to my fourteen year old self.

I suppose I should give you my blog readers a little background on what my fourteen year old 00s life was like:

I spent my life waiting for Artemis Fowl and Harry potter books to come out, thinking about kissing boys either from films/tv, in the church youth group or at school. Which is definitely a normal thing - or so I am told. I would also look up famous historical women either on the (what I would now consider) very slow internet or in books. I would draw Cutie pies - they are pie charts of how much I liked boys mostly from Harry potter films or bands some who were more real like at youth club or school. It is pathetically sad but when you are a teenager before selfies, angry birds and vines- we had to do something right?! Mostly talk on Messenger and be all angsty in our own naughties way. Oh and I didn't get a mobile until I was 16. Truth was when I was fourteen no one had a phone apart from our parents. Everyone had messenger though and internet time was limited as everyone wanted to use it at some point in an evening. Homework was excruciating and all our teachers would talk about is GCSE options and which sets you would be in. All my friends - well some of the other girls in my class got to go to SNAP discos where they would kiss a lot of boys. But I was never allowed to go!

In my fourteenth year I went on French Exchange and got propositioned  on the school bus by a fifteen year old French guy with the classic line 'tu est belle, je suis facile - on y va' ( you are beautiful, I am easy- let's go)  - they say chivalry is dead! and of course the rather traumatic year nine camp which included watching a boy in my year eat rabbit poo on the hike which we got very lost on #truestory and getting flooded out our tent. I think I was fourteen when we went on church youth weekend away and the boys sneaked in alcohol I mean what church youth weekend away would be complete without broken teenagers and 'magic juice' right?

Anyway here goes

Dear Fourteen year-old self, 

I know your questions to future/ now me - what happens in Harry Potter? Am I married? Did I get to be a bridesmaid? Did he kiss me? Will I get into university- and study what? Do I still go to Church?

I was thinking about your questions and perhaps you aren't asking the right questions. I fell in love, a deep agape love, a love that I have committed my heart, body and soul to but I am not married ( at least not yet). I haven't yet got to be a bridesmaid but I realised that weddings are not as important as marriages and building up people- encouraging people is more important than wearing a pretty dress on one day of their life and I did go to university and I studied the subject that I loved most for which I am thankful. That love I spoke of - it is with Jesus.

Love is not like you think it is. Falling for someone is not as simple as Disney films or romance novels make it out to be. its a lie to say you fall in love. Love is not something you stumble upon it is a choice you make and when you make that choice you have to do it in a healthy way you need to choose to love someone who builds you up. Also relationships are hard no one ever tells you you have to work at them. Does now really matter more than how or who? I don't think it does. I am now in my mid twenties and honestly I am glad that the first guy I kissed was someone I deeply cared about, he was my first boyfriend. I am thankful I waited. That  matters that it didn't happen at some party that you weren't drunk or being watched by some nasty girls, the fact even that you'll know his name matters more than you think it does. I would like to say that pervy guys like the French guy on the bus grow up but they don't. It won't be the last time that you will be propositioned on public transportation, but you will be able to deal with it better next time.

There are many things you don't know yet about yourself. You know you are brave but you don't know how brave. You know that  you work hard but what you don't know is it will never gain you acceptance  Despite what your teachers think you are gifted and talented, in fact you will do exceptionally well in your GCSEs ( better than some of the G and T group) despite tough circumstances. I know I'm beautiful and I am worthy of love and that who I am is lovely and worth being friends with. I am worth being friends with. All things you are yet to learn, please enjoy learning them

 I think you often forget that they haven't seen what you have seen- they don't know what it is like to fight for everything. Your life isn't like most people's your age- however, don't forget you don't know everyone's story. One day your experiences will come out for the good. But for now they are something that you have which the vast majority of your peers don't. Most of the people around you are not made of the stuff you are. The crucible of life is to refine not to destroy you. You have character because of them.  There is light - one day you won't have to fight for everything any more. Most of our peers and friends cannot comprehend the life we have lived and that may not change- there will always be sheltered people and VERY sheltered people but their lack of trouble neither makes you better nor worse just different. It means God can use you in different ways. I wish I could say that the trouble stops but I can't say that to you - we are promised trouble by Jesus (John 16:33). There will be more difficult things ahead but I know you are stronger than you think and you can endure more than you can even imagine. Also that you will be put in situations and with people who need you to have experienced what you have and somehow that makes them matter more than you could ever believe possible.

My advice to you would be fourteen year self to be always teachable, to love with everything in you and to take each day as it comes. To learn and love who you are, do not be afraid of the future nor the past. Treat everyday as a clean start and keep asking questions.

Lots of love
Allie

Upcycle

I am really bad at throwing things away. I spend hours trying to do so with things, putting them in charity bags or in the bin, especially if they were a gift ( 6 years ago or something) another reason I am not so big a fan of presents I have a really really good memory and I can usually remember who got me it and I am like oh that was lovely but it went in a draw four Christmas' ago and I never actually used it but I love my friend/family member who got it me. Nightmare. The charity I have been donating to was the salvation army because they really make a difference to people here in my city and because they really understand the importance of the gospel, which takes away some of the anxiety thinking of the people who will be blessed by the gift I neglected.

But some things are worth looking at again sometimes throwing something out is not the right thing to do. Enter my favourite pair of jeans at uni. They got ripped in the crotch just before I sat my finals and I just put them in a box with loads of other rubbish. Jeans styles have changed since then - or at least the style I wear has changed - I converted from bootcut to straight or skinny jeans after I graduated- but here they were bootcut jeans from a few years back. I couldn't give a torn crotched pair of jeans to the charity shop and they still fit aside from the tear of course. So I dug out my sewing box and machine and made it into a skirt. to be honest I still had a leg's worth of denim left over and it only took 10 minutes.( I am really good a craft. I love upcycling.)  Bust instead of something I can't wear I now have a lovely new skirt. 

And it made me wonder about the experiences in our lives we mark as worthless because they were hard or difficult. I think the Lord is a fan of upcycling, of using experiences we are quick to dismiss as worthless and making them into something that is of use ( kind of like the blogging taking the mundane and making it worth reading). I am convinced that God doesn't ever want us to take anything bad or broken in our lives and not use it for the good of the kingdom( in his own way of course). After all we are told that all things will come for the good of those who love him but we are also told to take thoughts captive. If you take the natural confluence of these, the truth is that we need to make sure that we see the good in what has happened to us not just the difficulty see the skirt in the old pair of jeans. See how God has use for it even the worst things that have happened to me God has used some of the most disgusting and difficult times of my life this year for his good. Perhaps its about forgetting the old pair of jeans and seeing the material it is made of.

The Keel beneath

So I have been away again! To a big national Christian conference/festival for people in their 20s and 30s.  it was all rather exciting. At these kind of con-festivals there is usual a market place somewhere where charities organisations and places that sell stuff ( bibles worship CDs and the like) kind of congregate to show you in essence what is out there. They could have silly games like naming a llama to raise awareness of south america or moving beads with chopsticks to show mission work in China.

I was wandering around the stalls at the festivals then I saw a face I recognised. I couldn't quite work out where it was from so I took a stab in the dark and said Hello to the older gentleman on a ministry outreach stand
"Hi, did you go to - my local large church-?" I asked. We would go there Christmas eve and for events and things and I did youth club there.

He smiled and replied that he used to pastor the church nearest to it- the one that wasn't Anglican. Then I realised that he was the chairman of governors at my Junior school. I got my governors award when I was in year 6 and he presented it to me. I asked him if that was him and he said it was and asked me how long ago I was there we established I was ten years younger than his daughter so we wouldn't have been at school there together.

 We talked about the mission field he ended up in and what I was doing. I made a throw away comment -something I always say to people.

" I sail to his wind  - where he blows that is where I go."

I grew up near to the seaside and a naval base so I have seen a lot of boats and I have been on a few in my time. I love to think of the world as our ocean and setting my course to his wind. I see so many people running on a motor boat or worse a jet ski ( one that sprays water in the faces of those around them) going under their own steam in whatever direction they please. Some who have got rid of the engine have taken to having one paddle and are going around in ciricles their sails in tatters. I like the analagy it makes me smile and think of where I grew up.

However he challenged it.

"If you sail by his wind what then is your keel?" He asked me.

I was stumped - I know my bow form my stern and even at a push port from starboard ( P comes before S as L comes before R) I can even tie one or two of the knots if I really think about it. But aside from 'Keel over' I had no clue what a keel was.

Apparently a keel is a counter balance under the boat which balances the forces keeping the boat on the water because well if it was just the sails the boat would be really unstable and fall into the water.

"The word of God has to be your Keel. If his Spirit is the wind."

"and obedience is the rudder." I added. " Jesus is on the rudder showing me how to be obedient."

It is a beautiful picture ( so I had to paint it! even though I haven't painted in ages.). I am glad that God was there in that moment to show me through someone who had fit into my past that I was going right. I struggle to read God's word and I love reading - I know its important but often I just skip it. I love it when I am reading it and I often get pictures and all sorts of things. I guess that is part of spiritual warfare.  But the most important part of the picture for me was that I was not alone in the boat. that I was doing life with Jesus. Whichever flotilla I end up in, whatever part of the ocean I am his and he is mine.

Sung Prayers

At church this week I was struck by one of the worship songs we sang. I haven't been back to the church I grew up in for  a few months. It was planted on the day I was born ( I was born on a Sunday over twenty years ago) they sing different things than I am used to now. Not because they are stuck in the past  but because the worship leaders like to mix the songs we have always sung in with some new ones but they as  a tiny church in a community centre tend to favour the more acoustic over the power worship music we have these days. Also the congregation is on average a little older so they are less likely to follow the new stuff but not so old that they are in hymns ancient and modern. The service is different and it often ends saying to grace to each other making eye contact with everyone during it.

As a child I always sang loudly but I would always sing with all my heart even as a teenager. I had a few favourites and I would sing it not really minding to the words but as I sung this on Sunday I was reminded that if your heart is in what comes out of your mouth as you sing to him God will take it as a prayer. I was struck how much God had answered the prayer of a child who just wanted to sing with all her heart the dancing song. Now of course it is pretty much my prayer - as you can tell by my previous blog post! ( I am trying to post one ahead so that I can be on top of this.... so I wrote that one Friday and Saturday...)

Anyway this is the song:

Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart
Teach me to move in the power of your Spirit
Teach me to walk in the light of your presence
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart

Teach me to love with your heart of compassion
Teach me to trust in the word of your promise
Teach me to hope in the day of your coming
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart 

You wrote the rhythm of life
Created heaven and earth
In You is joy without measure
So, like a child in your sight
I dance to see your delight
For I was made for your pleasure
Pleasure

Let all my movements express

A heart that loves to say 'yes'
A will that leaps to obey you

Let all my energy blaze
To see the joy in your face
Let my whole being praise you
Praise you 
Graham Kendrick 
Copyright © 1993 Make Way Music, 
www.grahamkendrick.co.uk

The path unchosen.

Have you ever been seconded. that moment where you have been told to move somewhere or do something you are not sure you want to go to. Its all part of following Jesus right? in this life you will have trouble... I only do what I see my father doing....

Whilst I was at the Christian conference I was told to move to a team that I would not have chosen for myself and yet God met me in a profound way that I couldn't have  even comprehended. I guess that the life that is chosen is the preserve of the sinful after all sin is saying No to God's plan and choosing your own way or method. I have no qualms about living this life unchosen the  narrow path through trust and patience.

I have been thinking about the future a lot recently and also how I got to the place I have and what God has been teaching me along the way.  I suppose that once you choose to surrender your life to Christ it means that is a path chosen but I don't think this is the life I would have chosen for myself.  Walking in this wild goose chase could lead me anywhere. This year as a set text for the course I was on they chose James Bryan Smith's 'A good and beautiful God.' it really challenged me especially on the topic of spiritual discipline. So I bought the second book in the series A good and beautiful life. The first chapter it tells you to write a letter to god starting with the line ' the life I want most for myself is..."  Which as much as I love the previous book and the chapter I am not sure is right. maybe I am being pernickity but surely it should be the life I hope most for myself is... however after much thought and deliberation I felt i should play by the rules of the book.

I feel I should share the letter I wrote. mostly because I want to challenge you and because it speaks of his faithfulness his choosing to deny me my desires for a greater design and purpose.

16th August 2014

Dear God ,
       The life I want most for myself is, one where I dance to your song and drumbeat. where I sing only the song of obedience to my king. 

I want to laugh like it is going out of fashion and love consumingly. to sail by your spirit through the waters of this world.under the banner of your grace, love and freedom. 

I could tell you all I desire to achieve and know it before I speak it  but what once I considered as gain I now count as loss for the sake of your glory.  You require this sacrifice of praise and a contrite heart with open hands. 

You lord have ruined me for the ordinary where once I desired a simple life with a steady job  you've bestowed a nomadic adventure. I desired comfort and you required faith yet gave me a peace  in the places that comfort couldn't quench. I wanted normal but you chose extravagance for me. I desired world riches but you gave me people to serve and invest in and I have lacked for nothing. 

I'd chosen Education to have qualifications, but you qualified me and taught me how to serve in a way that is  teachable. I wanted to win and be the top and you gave me victory over strongholds and taught me humility. I desired to be a woman of many impressive gifts and talents, but you gave me of yourself  extravagant gifts that were meant to bless others. I yearned to be selected to be above but you chose and purposed me before my heart beat. I desired to be confident but in you I have all confidence.

I desired to be married, romanced by a man a Romeo of lovely words and devoted love whom I could give the whole of my heart to but you restored my image of marriage as a covenant partnership by wedding me to your heart before I was born. Choosing sacrificial love for me and dying so that I may be yours. You required my heart in its entirety  to love and to be broken for injustice. for unless you have both the earthly bride and the groom's hearts how can we run the race together towards you. You showed me that it was not enough to love each other but to be wholly in love with you  that mattered. So I choose to wait for a man who is wholly and recklessly abandoned to loving you and following you no matter the cost and no matter the route. 

I desired for a family and you have given me communities. I desired to be loved and you defined and displayed it to me and asked me to love where the world had neglected.  

I wanted it all now and you showed me how to be patient. I wanted to see revival in our nation instead you began in my heart. 

My life has not conformed to my desires and maybe some days I cling onto my broken bucket list and shattered dreams and wave them at you with one hand and cling to you with the other. but the truth is I would never swap my character for my way, nor would I swap my pride for confidence in you. I'd no even swap assured security for trust because the truth is I chose you over my desires  your way over mine. Whatever that means and wherever it takes me - no plan B, no opt out through hardship and joy. I'm on this wild goose chase adventure and that is all I want for my life and myself.  

Your Allie. 

Speed dating - a step into the purple.

I have just spent the last two weeks at a national Christian conference, Over the next couple of weeks I will be blogging about what I have learned and about what is going on because I am in a season of waiting which usually means I will be blogging more than usual.

I thought I would start with my experiences of Speed dating

WK1 Thursday

I've never really dated. In fact I have only been on one pre relationship date. So, speed dating sounded like a fun night and who knows right? 

It was a simple thing right I am at a national Christian conference so why not? 

I prayed for the lord to guard my heart and against akward. Put a smile on my face and said hello to guy number 1 I ticked the guys I had a good conversation with and were going in similar directions in terms of passion and ministry. 14 dates later the final klaxon sounded and I met all but 2 of the guys in my age group. I did chat to both at the bar after. My initial assessment was that I hadn't met my husband tonight - but who knows right. There was no one guy I especially hit it off with. So I did what any sane single girl would do which was to tick the ones who I felt I would like to be friends with and whose conversation did not contradict what I know of God's plan for me. So I didn't tick Africa Guy who was itching to get back there as my heart is broken for those who need Jesus here in the UK or the guy who wanted to work with the inner city youth after all I ache for the wordly rich spiritually poor who have more than everything but not Jesus.. 

I didn't think through the whole thing that the next day there would be an envelope with my results. It felt weird. You have a match stared back at me and I was like a oh, See its only a match if you tick each other.. See I fully expected a zero match scenario.See the thing was because I did it for a laugh because I wasn't out to find a husband  after all I am more than likely flying out to the US in 6 weeks or so, I don't want a relationship right now. I loved meeting new people and chatting. It wasn't that I have no self esteem and thought no one would like me it was that I didn't go into that scenario thinking I would get a date out of it.

I suddenly felt 14 again trying to work out what to do when that note is passed you know the one ' He likes you.' and you are not exactly sure if it was a joke or not. I didn't think I would feel like that after all it was all a laugh right? Luckily, I definitely remembered who he was and some of our conversation - Nice guy - asked good questions and had decent come backs. Questions swirled in my head does that mean he likes me? What if he ticked the wrong box? What if he had lost his sheet? Should I text him? ahhh!!!! The dangerous adventurer in me told me to go for it - to text him and see. So I did - we will see what happens with that.  

WK2 Monday

A text telling me he didn't have time came a day or so after I text him. I let it go thinking I would leave it up to him, I wasn't going to chase anything or push myself on anyone. I was slightly bemused by the whole experience if I am honest. Decided that I would do it again next week. Awkwardly the match guy was on the catering team. Every time I was in the lunch or dinner queue and I could see him  at the stationwhere those of us who can't eat the dinner went for the other options( ie vegetarian) I would pray that I wasn't allergic to the food. I didn't want to have that awkward conversation - perhaps not a mature response but all I could think of was the akwardness. 

I got chatting with another guy in the bar that night - speed dating ground zero-I mean. We hung out a bit had dinner together a few times, he was lovely but you know when you are getting to know someone as a friend then they get ahead of themselves. He asked if it was going anywhere. All I could think of was that I had only known him four days. What could have been a great friendship potentially plus turned sour. This dating stuff something Christian youth leaders call 'purpleing' ( Pink+ Blue = Purple.) seems to be a mine field, I realised that I was dipping my toe into a confusing world.

WK2 Thursday

"Allie you are going to be joining the catering team."  The team manager of my team told me totally out of the blue yesterday. I was being seconded to them.  needless to say it did not cross my mind  in the hours which followed that week 1 match was on that team. I was more afraid of the fact that there would be food I am allergic to. ( I will blog about this experience another time.) 

After my first breakfast shift. I spoke to the washing up crew (what an awesome bunch of individuals).

"you did speed dating didn't you." one of the girls asked "get any matches?!"

I told her that I did and as I told her I realised that he was on this team then it dawned on me because I am a compulsive over thinker that he might have thought I'd followed him to the team because - I liked him that much! Cringe ( the thought of it makes me squirm- who does that? seriously? because manipulating a situation to be near someone is plain desperate - I am sorry but it is) oh dear. She asked who and I told her. They all laughed. 

He then came to speak to me during lunch explaining that inebriation had caused amnesia and he couldn't remember much of speed dating. Which whilst explained the texting predicament was hardly flattering. Drinking and ticking does not entirely make a good combo and Dutch courage only stretches so far. I know I am a beautiful woman and I am secure in Christ who defines my identity but honestly its not very nice to say that alcohol is the only reason I might be interested in you, to someone. Still it answered the question. No, he wasn't for me.

WK2 Saturday

Speed dating round two I came prepared to take it all as a laugh. It wasn't too much different except for the awkward moment of being sat opposite someone you know. I enjoyed it but again no one particularly stood out to me and I thought about God's timing and knew that I need to be single to keep my eyes on him for the next season - marriage and family can wait.

After all I am not looking for a Romeo or even a husband right now but if I were I think the whole experience has taught me that someone who loves Jesus with every fibre of their being and is ready for his wild goose chase is worth the wait.

As for speed dating...

The experience was great and perhaps I will repeat it but I think you you have to do it for a laugh else it may mess with your mind a little bit and your ego. That is why it is so important that you go into dating as a Christian with your identity firmly rooted and established in God's love...

Qualifications

Picking up my parents local paper today I read this article.

"Girl in year ten at *LOCAL SCHOOL* gets singing coaching qualification. whilst many would not attempt the qualification until many years later this girl did. with a smiling face in front of a piano"

My stomach lurched I couldn't  believe it. I was under the impression that they wouldn't let you do it until you were 18 anyway and I at 18 years and 6.5 months was one of the youngest ever to attempt it and to pass with Merit. I wasn't even sure what I thought of the article or that the board had even let her take the qualification as you would not be able to get insurance to teach or  be able to have your own business teaching anything like that until you were 18  she would not be able to earn money until after her 16th birthday. Did they bend the rules? there were so many questions in my head none of which I could answer.

Then I thought about the qualification I had  and how like its certificate it is gathering dust somewhere. Does it matter that this girl did it or does it matter more what is next how she uses it? I failed to use it really and perhaps God has other plans for it.

I thought about all the certificates I have and what they mean. I have many letters after my name, but none of them matter if i do nothing with them. If my Geography GCSE and history degree are worth no more than a few pub quiz answers what does that make me. Clearly I use them for more than that - with a good understanding of maths I can make sure I get value for money. With my geography GCSE I can make sense of the lines on the weather map. you get the idea.

In this season God has been apprenticing me but I have no idea what for but what I have learnt could be applied in all sorts of ways, and there is still some to come. However, what matters is not my learning or achievement but my willingness to love, my desire to walk in his way and the only qualification that matters is that I love him and I do.

Gap year or gap life?

I have just completed what seems from the outside like my third gap year ... I have had a paid Job albeit not a graduate job in some swanky office somewhere that is cool. I have even been promoted. I wouldn't change the last three years for anything.

I have worked for the church for three years, contrary to popular belief all Christians work for God not just worship leaders... also teachers, milkmen, shop girls and lawyers but I have spent three working for his bride;  two years just outside London doing anything and everything the church there needed me to and one on a national discipleship program in the west country being an intern in a larger church specifically working in two areas of ministry and I supported myself by working in what is absolutely definitely  the most awesome shop ever.

Looking at my three years post uni life I haven't exactly 'lived the dream' - most of my fellow alumni have salaries and some even have mortgages... gulp! Many have married got engaged or something like that and some even have started families..Eek. then there is me a law unto herself always gallivanting but not settling after move number 18 or 19 - four counties, many many postcodes.

But little old me - no I haven't done the normal expected thing at all. I didn't even do a gap yah travelling  across the world and having pictures taken with orphans that I was doing something really really important for the kingdom for which you can't really translate to people who are not there.... I get it, I do... people are dying of things that are treatable . But it's so easy to gloss over what is happening here and what people here are crying out for is also Jesus. See in the developing world you see their poverty in their lack of food and every day things. Here you see it in the never satisfied abundance in the have to have in the trying desperately to use anything to fill the space in their lives that only Jesus was designed to fill... the  unending loneliness of staring in the black mirrors. The self worth measured by social media friends and followers. Does someone liking a post or retweeting define me? no Jesus defines me my sole purpose is to reflect his glory and delight in his pleasure.

So rather than racking up stamps on my passport I was getting my hands dirty in the local church here in the UK where it desperately needs young people, not just in the building but in the community. We live in a age where the UK needs gap year students and young people more than you can possibly imagine to really make a difference for his kingdom in our kingdom. 97% of people in the UK don't go to Church we are one of the most spiritually poor nations in the world.   Actually taking a year out is not the issue  its viewing our own nation as the mission field that tends to boggle most people, although the tide is now turning in churches it seems to viewing their normal every day acquaintances, friends and colleagues as the mission field.

I have learned so much about the kingdom of God and I have seen God in ways I simply cannot describe and I know who I am in Christ now. But most of all I have seen over the last three years is the local Church - at its best and its worst and in all levels in between. There is one thing that trounces the statistics and never ceases to awe me is how much God loves the local church no matter how high or low Anglican
(or otherwise), weather they like the word religion and however much they are spirit led or lacking the church in all its brokenness and glory is beautiful. I think we have forgotten how to serve the local church - we have forgotten that it is his bride made of us.  I am the bride of Christ and so are you my brothers and sisters.

 The problem is she has got rather too skinny and a little bit vain. After all what is fed grows and what is left wastes away and the church has on the whole become individualistic and introverted - the mentality to go where you get fed  until you don't is understandable but not biblical and all it results in is spiritual constipation. Gone is the one thing I am most passionate about - the whole family of God. Many churches don't let the children ever sit through an entire service all age services are gone in favour of what nourishes the adults. One of the best services I have ever been to a teenager preached with a bottle of a popular cleaning product and everyone loved it. Many are reluctant to help with the outreach to the elderly  because they are afraid of them. Gone are the days when young and old worshipped together and your church was your community through the good and the downright awful. I see why its happened, however my heart rings with Psalm 145 One generation will commend your works to another. How can they when they don't even go to the same services any more?

  I am recklessly abandoned for his kingdom and in his love. Its like he's the wind and I sail where he leads me. I chose to leave an Ok relationship - which would have inevitably ended in marriage to pursue a covenant relationship of a different kind.  God has seriously broken my heart for the west and the elderly and perhaps that colours my opinion. However, I choose obedience and for me that means - for this season at least I will live an unconventional life one that requires being a nomad, leaving a job I love for the one I love but most of all it means that I go where he leads. To be honest I wouldn't have it any other way - wherever I end up. Next stop is the USA ( visa permitting.) on what could easily seem like the fourth gap year. I have learned that my perception of a Gap year for God was essentially time you let God have free reign of your life then well the real stuff begins the Salary, engagement and morgage. For some people that might be the case, that might even be what God has for them but for me, I am on a Gap life, My life is his whether I end up in Asia at an orphanage or in America with an international missionary organisation  or  in a local church just loving the elderly.

The thing is you only get one shot at life and mine belongs to Jesus - the whole shot- not just the easy bits or the normal bits. The whole lot. I love him and do you know what I'd rather have his adventure than my career success. I would rather have him than all the gold in the world, I'd rather his intimacy than a husband- really- but most of all I would rather be with him  and dwell  in the presence of the lord living by his word than anywhere - conventional or not!