I sing therefore I am.
I have a beautiful voice. There is no getting round it, it's the one thing in the entire world I am not modest about. There are a couple of reasons for this; one is that when you practise something for as much as I did as a teenager you have to love your voice with all your heart the other is less practical I see my voice as a direct gift from God. Its not something you can buy your either born with a lovely voice or your not yes you can train it but its something that God gives as a gift; but you could say that about anything really. But mostly because it set me apart it was something that they couldn't pick on me for because it was and is beautiful.
When I was 18, I was utterly consumed by how good my voice was I loved it I would sing all the time. I would practise my songs, exercises and other such things for 30 hours a week or more as well as all my school work. I loved to sing it was what defined me what my whole life centred around. It was an Idol I suppose. when I went to university I guess my love for it fizzled a bit not because I didn't love to sing, I still do, but because it didn't set me apart and I couldn't practise as much because I was in Halls then in a house. What I mean is it didn't define me. I wasn't Allie the one with the beautiful voice because there were lots of people with beautiful voices and some were far better than mine. Uni politics for shows was brutal, you had to be as far as I could tell; pretty and slim with a good voice and amazing acting skills to get anywhere oh and of course you had to be friends with the director or producer that got you somewhere.
When my faith underwent a revival I noticed that in worship I was singing so people would say after the service what a beautiful voice I had not for God. I had brought my idol into his house, it took me a while to realise that. I felt lost because my one true gift of worship I had been misusing and I questioned every time I opened my mouth in worship; who I was worshipping God or my Ego? This is why I took to signing, because I knew that if I was signing it was for God and him alone. No one would know if I was any good or not or what I was doing but I needed him to know that I was trying to worship him not myself.
At the moment I feel God has parked this gift. I sing at the weddings and Funerals I verger for and in the church choir. I hope that in the future he has something for me to use it for his glory but for now It sings the psalms quite happily and lord of the dance (I still don't quite get that as a wedding song). I know we have to use our gifts, but they have seasons. One thing I know is this (psalm 62:5) My salvation and Glory depend on God. I don't want my Voice to be the thing that sets me apart amongst people. I want my heart for Christ and the way I am growing to be more like him to be what makes me distinctive not how well I can sing.
