Since the beginning of this year as many women in their twenties hear friends have announced starting relationships, engagement, buying a house and having babies. I am doing none of those things. This week it really hit me the cost of what I do not in terms of finances but in terms of what I have given up.
I am an erratic blogger the history column to the right will attest to that - aside from the fact I have two blogs this one and the one about my 'job' which when I am away takes priority. See I am a missionary. I have been in various ways all of my professional life. It is not a life I chose for myself but it is borne out of wilful obedience and many people question why? or at least I think they do because few verbalise the question. I often feel I have to justify it because it makes people uncomfortable because they perceive that I don't think they are as holy as me or that I feel holier than them. The truth is I am no more holy than any other Christian.
Honestly I don't feel very holy, I still sin everyday and fall short. Holiness comes from God anyway! It doesn't come from works. If you are doing the thing that God has asked you to do - we are doing the same holy thing. I choose obedience even if it costs everything because that is what Christ modelled. Obedience looks different wherever you are it has no definite outside. If it was up to me I would probably be in a 9-5 job somewhere engaged and looking at the housing market. But I gave up that right a long time ago - to let it be up to me.
I have talked about surrender many many times but it is so important because well it's the thing that God keeps leading me back to - pick up my cross and follow him. The truth is that we don't get to manipulate God and we don't get to have it all our way neither of those things are his character or his will.
The cost of obedience is everything: my reputation; the direction of my life; whether or not I get married and have children; the country I am in; who I meet and hang out with; the money I have and how I spend it; my security oh and of course being in relationship with my beautiful saviour feeling loved accepted and living the best version of my life.
We don't get to choose the path ahead of us we don't get to choose its cost but it's worth is everything. Who knows I might end up in five years living the 9-5 life husband and all but somehow I doubt it, yes God gave me my desires but he also gave me the privilege of releasing them to him and letting him use my passions and skills the way he made me. Turns out many of the skills I've gained and used are transferable.
So where am I off to this time? Well I am off to America once more to train and go on a mission trip probably to Africa this time. I am hoping this will be the last school. I know it will be hard and I will have to learn more about the bible than I thought ever possible - I know I will be challenged and I will have to change my perspective on things. How do I know its God's voice telling me to do this - easy God often tells me to do something so outside my thinking pattern - something so left field it couldn't be myself.
Honestly I am just a girl who wants to do what her heavenly daddy says not because he is controlling but because he knows what is best for me. I want to be fully who I was made to be. I want to live a life of obedience because anything else would be a shadow of who I am. The truth is many people are passive and live in well when God tells me and everything is perfect I will go but the bible doesn't say that it just says GO. That is passive, passive is not who we are. If god is saying nothing then do the thing that burns your heart the thing that you are enjoying - make a plan and give it to him saying this is Plan A lord if it is not your plan then tell me otherwise. Don't be afraid to lay out a prayer fleece like Gideon. When I was praying through this step I said to the lord let the first American ( outside of whom I was travelling with) I meet when we go to the next place be from that state. They were and their nearest city was the one I am going to.
I think it comes down to this; you can either choose to be obedient or comfortable and everyday with every choice you make you choose one or the other. I would rather choose obedient as he is the way the truth and the life. We are promised trouble and contentment not ease and comfort and that is the choice I make no matter the cost - so what if I am the last of all my friends to be married - if I even get married. So what if I am the only one without a mortgage by the time I am thirty so what if I am not a mother? That is their path and this is mine.
See the knife cuts both ways. My life may seem crazy and glamorous but it isn't neither is it super holy. The truth is mission is loving the person in front of you regardless of who they are. To me a stable job, happy marriage and a mortgage sounds awesome and glamorous but I know from my friends who live that - its hard. This is because life is Hard and we are to be content no matter the circumstances obedience and living a life of obedience is relative to everyone but it is always the right choice to make.
