As a mid twenties single Christian girl the world of dating and relationships looks a little crazy and I often wonder how we manage to get so well funny about it. When I talk to my non Christian friends they are all on the whole getting on with it. Where as we are like giggly teenagers ' you like him ...' like we are fourteen or something sat in the back of class passing notes. The thing that no one really talks about in all this is the Christian fairytale; how and how much we buy into it. So many of my friends first relationships ( more than a few dates I mean) have failed. Its just well normal the Christian fairytale is a culture and its one the devil uses to discourage us.
For those of you whom are not acquainted with this fairytale it goes a little like this. girl meets boy at youth group/Christian festival/ Gap year/ University CU and at first sight God says to them ' this one your gonna marry this one!" then you date in a pure and honourable way ( kissing with tongues optional) two weeks in you realise that this is the person you will marry! after seven months or after you turn 18 you get engaged. Just after you graduate you marry and by the time you are 30 you own a house and have 2 children ( Dog or Cat are optional).
Single graduates don't fit into that idyll they just don't especially considering I haven't exactly had the best relationship past. So I met a guy when I was 17 in the fairytale approved setting of a Christian retreat we started going out when I was 18 but the thing is that well he was Catholic and they don't have the same fairytale. Therefore at every milestone in the fairy tale when things didn't happen as the fairytale stated I would be frustrated. Especially considering that one of my best friends had (at first glace) the whole kit and kaboodle ( not the kids yet!). When my Ex and I had been dating for 2 years and there was no engagement people gave me funny looks I felt judged I felt like I was ruining the beginning of a perfectly good fairytale. Which lets be honest is ridiculous so when people asked I was quick to assure them that as he had another year of his degree after I had finished we were waiting... blah. It hurt reading on facebook that Amy* and Matt* were engaged ( dating 7 months) or that Jessica* added to her timeline a life event Married Joe Bloggs* (total dating 1 year 5 months), sometimes it still does, to think of what could have been had things been different but as Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's Kingdom', but this pain its not of God its of the enemy. Do you know what looking back I am so thankful that I didn't get engaged to him or marry him which the fairytale would have stated that I would be by now. Whilst my contemporaries were posting engagement and then wedding pictures I had the status Allie B is now single. God didn't want me to marry someone whom was not his best for me and I am very thankful.
Sometimes it feels like I am on the shelf now as a single graduate which is a lie. In my mid twenties I am not on the shelf and the shelf doesn't exist because well God isn't like that and our experience of life shouldn't be about our culture ' don't conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind.' the pattern of this world is any culture that is not of Christ and whilst that fairytale began in a godly Christian place its lost its roots and no where in the bible does it state that ' the eleventh commandment is to be married before you are 25'!
The fairytale is a lie and there is various reasons for it being a lie the first is it makes relationships and dating sound easy which is not the case ( anyone whom is married will tell you that much) the second is that it denies the beauty and variety of human life experience ' the thief comes to steal and to destroy but I have come that they may have life and life to all its fullness.' What about the people whom take 2 years to work with deprived kids in poverty and meet someone when they get home? What about the godly couple that don't meet till their late thirties. How is that any less of God and magical and special? If we buy into the fairytale we are setting ourselves up for a fall because it is the exception and it is by no means the best thing you know. I wouldn't want to be in sleeping beauty not really not if you really think about it a princess in a coma and a prince kisses her then they fall in love and get married. Its a little bit creepy right?
But also two things hit me one is if God is all powerful and all knowing and has it all under control why doesn't it just happen? Think about it don't you think if he wanted to be married then I would be. There must be a reason why not perhaps because I need more healing I need to learn something or that the other person is not in that place yet. Perhaps it could be because he wants me to be more secure in whom I am in Christ before he adds another broken person ( as we all are broken) into the mix. Or another reason that is for my good. Secondly it should be his choice if I marry or not. If we truly live for the kingdom - by and for his will and purposes everything that makes a big impact on our lives should be up to God. Of course we ask seek and knock (Matt 7:7-8) but ultimately I trust whatever is best for his kingdom and for this season.
Psalm 138:8 (ESV) The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Maybe we should chalk the fairytale to culture and just say that is nice but where is its foundation in scripture? What I have been learning recently is that maybe marriage isn't the priority and shouldn't ever be a goal for the Christian life. Surely intimacy with God that is way more valuable and perhaps in that place something might blossom on the marriage front but it would be in a place of godliness not our culture.
