Upcycle

I am really bad at throwing things away. I spend hours trying to do so with things, putting them in charity bags or in the bin, especially if they were a gift ( 6 years ago or something) another reason I am not so big a fan of presents I have a really really good memory and I can usually remember who got me it and I am like oh that was lovely but it went in a draw four Christmas' ago and I never actually used it but I love my friend/family member who got it me. Nightmare. The charity I have been donating to was the salvation army because they really make a difference to people here in my city and because they really understand the importance of the gospel, which takes away some of the anxiety thinking of the people who will be blessed by the gift I neglected.

But some things are worth looking at again sometimes throwing something out is not the right thing to do. Enter my favourite pair of jeans at uni. They got ripped in the crotch just before I sat my finals and I just put them in a box with loads of other rubbish. Jeans styles have changed since then - or at least the style I wear has changed - I converted from bootcut to straight or skinny jeans after I graduated- but here they were bootcut jeans from a few years back. I couldn't give a torn crotched pair of jeans to the charity shop and they still fit aside from the tear of course. So I dug out my sewing box and machine and made it into a skirt. to be honest I still had a leg's worth of denim left over and it only took 10 minutes.( I am really good a craft. I love upcycling.)  Bust instead of something I can't wear I now have a lovely new skirt. 

And it made me wonder about the experiences in our lives we mark as worthless because they were hard or difficult. I think the Lord is a fan of upcycling, of using experiences we are quick to dismiss as worthless and making them into something that is of use ( kind of like the blogging taking the mundane and making it worth reading). I am convinced that God doesn't ever want us to take anything bad or broken in our lives and not use it for the good of the kingdom( in his own way of course). After all we are told that all things will come for the good of those who love him but we are also told to take thoughts captive. If you take the natural confluence of these, the truth is that we need to make sure that we see the good in what has happened to us not just the difficulty see the skirt in the old pair of jeans. See how God has use for it even the worst things that have happened to me God has used some of the most disgusting and difficult times of my life this year for his good. Perhaps its about forgetting the old pair of jeans and seeing the material it is made of.

The Keel beneath

So I have been away again! To a big national Christian conference/festival for people in their 20s and 30s.  it was all rather exciting. At these kind of con-festivals there is usual a market place somewhere where charities organisations and places that sell stuff ( bibles worship CDs and the like) kind of congregate to show you in essence what is out there. They could have silly games like naming a llama to raise awareness of south america or moving beads with chopsticks to show mission work in China.

I was wandering around the stalls at the festivals then I saw a face I recognised. I couldn't quite work out where it was from so I took a stab in the dark and said Hello to the older gentleman on a ministry outreach stand
"Hi, did you go to - my local large church-?" I asked. We would go there Christmas eve and for events and things and I did youth club there.

He smiled and replied that he used to pastor the church nearest to it- the one that wasn't Anglican. Then I realised that he was the chairman of governors at my Junior school. I got my governors award when I was in year 6 and he presented it to me. I asked him if that was him and he said it was and asked me how long ago I was there we established I was ten years younger than his daughter so we wouldn't have been at school there together.

 We talked about the mission field he ended up in and what I was doing. I made a throw away comment -something I always say to people.

" I sail to his wind  - where he blows that is where I go."

I grew up near to the seaside and a naval base so I have seen a lot of boats and I have been on a few in my time. I love to think of the world as our ocean and setting my course to his wind. I see so many people running on a motor boat or worse a jet ski ( one that sprays water in the faces of those around them) going under their own steam in whatever direction they please. Some who have got rid of the engine have taken to having one paddle and are going around in ciricles their sails in tatters. I like the analagy it makes me smile and think of where I grew up.

However he challenged it.

"If you sail by his wind what then is your keel?" He asked me.

I was stumped - I know my bow form my stern and even at a push port from starboard ( P comes before S as L comes before R) I can even tie one or two of the knots if I really think about it. But aside from 'Keel over' I had no clue what a keel was.

Apparently a keel is a counter balance under the boat which balances the forces keeping the boat on the water because well if it was just the sails the boat would be really unstable and fall into the water.

"The word of God has to be your Keel. If his Spirit is the wind."

"and obedience is the rudder." I added. " Jesus is on the rudder showing me how to be obedient."

It is a beautiful picture ( so I had to paint it! even though I haven't painted in ages.). I am glad that God was there in that moment to show me through someone who had fit into my past that I was going right. I struggle to read God's word and I love reading - I know its important but often I just skip it. I love it when I am reading it and I often get pictures and all sorts of things. I guess that is part of spiritual warfare.  But the most important part of the picture for me was that I was not alone in the boat. that I was doing life with Jesus. Whichever flotilla I end up in, whatever part of the ocean I am his and he is mine.

Sung Prayers

At church this week I was struck by one of the worship songs we sang. I haven't been back to the church I grew up in for  a few months. It was planted on the day I was born ( I was born on a Sunday over twenty years ago) they sing different things than I am used to now. Not because they are stuck in the past  but because the worship leaders like to mix the songs we have always sung in with some new ones but they as  a tiny church in a community centre tend to favour the more acoustic over the power worship music we have these days. Also the congregation is on average a little older so they are less likely to follow the new stuff but not so old that they are in hymns ancient and modern. The service is different and it often ends saying to grace to each other making eye contact with everyone during it.

As a child I always sang loudly but I would always sing with all my heart even as a teenager. I had a few favourites and I would sing it not really minding to the words but as I sung this on Sunday I was reminded that if your heart is in what comes out of your mouth as you sing to him God will take it as a prayer. I was struck how much God had answered the prayer of a child who just wanted to sing with all her heart the dancing song. Now of course it is pretty much my prayer - as you can tell by my previous blog post! ( I am trying to post one ahead so that I can be on top of this.... so I wrote that one Friday and Saturday...)

Anyway this is the song:

Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart
Teach me to move in the power of your Spirit
Teach me to walk in the light of your presence
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart

Teach me to love with your heart of compassion
Teach me to trust in the word of your promise
Teach me to hope in the day of your coming
Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart 

You wrote the rhythm of life
Created heaven and earth
In You is joy without measure
So, like a child in your sight
I dance to see your delight
For I was made for your pleasure
Pleasure

Let all my movements express

A heart that loves to say 'yes'
A will that leaps to obey you

Let all my energy blaze
To see the joy in your face
Let my whole being praise you
Praise you 
Graham Kendrick 
Copyright © 1993 Make Way Music, 
www.grahamkendrick.co.uk

The path unchosen.

Have you ever been seconded. that moment where you have been told to move somewhere or do something you are not sure you want to go to. Its all part of following Jesus right? in this life you will have trouble... I only do what I see my father doing....

Whilst I was at the Christian conference I was told to move to a team that I would not have chosen for myself and yet God met me in a profound way that I couldn't have  even comprehended. I guess that the life that is chosen is the preserve of the sinful after all sin is saying No to God's plan and choosing your own way or method. I have no qualms about living this life unchosen the  narrow path through trust and patience.

I have been thinking about the future a lot recently and also how I got to the place I have and what God has been teaching me along the way.  I suppose that once you choose to surrender your life to Christ it means that is a path chosen but I don't think this is the life I would have chosen for myself.  Walking in this wild goose chase could lead me anywhere. This year as a set text for the course I was on they chose James Bryan Smith's 'A good and beautiful God.' it really challenged me especially on the topic of spiritual discipline. So I bought the second book in the series A good and beautiful life. The first chapter it tells you to write a letter to god starting with the line ' the life I want most for myself is..."  Which as much as I love the previous book and the chapter I am not sure is right. maybe I am being pernickity but surely it should be the life I hope most for myself is... however after much thought and deliberation I felt i should play by the rules of the book.

I feel I should share the letter I wrote. mostly because I want to challenge you and because it speaks of his faithfulness his choosing to deny me my desires for a greater design and purpose.

16th August 2014

Dear God ,
       The life I want most for myself is, one where I dance to your song and drumbeat. where I sing only the song of obedience to my king. 

I want to laugh like it is going out of fashion and love consumingly. to sail by your spirit through the waters of this world.under the banner of your grace, love and freedom. 

I could tell you all I desire to achieve and know it before I speak it  but what once I considered as gain I now count as loss for the sake of your glory.  You require this sacrifice of praise and a contrite heart with open hands. 

You lord have ruined me for the ordinary where once I desired a simple life with a steady job  you've bestowed a nomadic adventure. I desired comfort and you required faith yet gave me a peace  in the places that comfort couldn't quench. I wanted normal but you chose extravagance for me. I desired world riches but you gave me people to serve and invest in and I have lacked for nothing. 

I'd chosen Education to have qualifications, but you qualified me and taught me how to serve in a way that is  teachable. I wanted to win and be the top and you gave me victory over strongholds and taught me humility. I desired to be a woman of many impressive gifts and talents, but you gave me of yourself  extravagant gifts that were meant to bless others. I yearned to be selected to be above but you chose and purposed me before my heart beat. I desired to be confident but in you I have all confidence.

I desired to be married, romanced by a man a Romeo of lovely words and devoted love whom I could give the whole of my heart to but you restored my image of marriage as a covenant partnership by wedding me to your heart before I was born. Choosing sacrificial love for me and dying so that I may be yours. You required my heart in its entirety  to love and to be broken for injustice. for unless you have both the earthly bride and the groom's hearts how can we run the race together towards you. You showed me that it was not enough to love each other but to be wholly in love with you  that mattered. So I choose to wait for a man who is wholly and recklessly abandoned to loving you and following you no matter the cost and no matter the route. 

I desired for a family and you have given me communities. I desired to be loved and you defined and displayed it to me and asked me to love where the world had neglected.  

I wanted it all now and you showed me how to be patient. I wanted to see revival in our nation instead you began in my heart. 

My life has not conformed to my desires and maybe some days I cling onto my broken bucket list and shattered dreams and wave them at you with one hand and cling to you with the other. but the truth is I would never swap my character for my way, nor would I swap my pride for confidence in you. I'd no even swap assured security for trust because the truth is I chose you over my desires  your way over mine. Whatever that means and wherever it takes me - no plan B, no opt out through hardship and joy. I'm on this wild goose chase adventure and that is all I want for my life and myself.  

Your Allie. 

Speed dating - a step into the purple.

I have just spent the last two weeks at a national Christian conference, Over the next couple of weeks I will be blogging about what I have learned and about what is going on because I am in a season of waiting which usually means I will be blogging more than usual.

I thought I would start with my experiences of Speed dating

WK1 Thursday

I've never really dated. In fact I have only been on one pre relationship date. So, speed dating sounded like a fun night and who knows right? 

It was a simple thing right I am at a national Christian conference so why not? 

I prayed for the lord to guard my heart and against akward. Put a smile on my face and said hello to guy number 1 I ticked the guys I had a good conversation with and were going in similar directions in terms of passion and ministry. 14 dates later the final klaxon sounded and I met all but 2 of the guys in my age group. I did chat to both at the bar after. My initial assessment was that I hadn't met my husband tonight - but who knows right. There was no one guy I especially hit it off with. So I did what any sane single girl would do which was to tick the ones who I felt I would like to be friends with and whose conversation did not contradict what I know of God's plan for me. So I didn't tick Africa Guy who was itching to get back there as my heart is broken for those who need Jesus here in the UK or the guy who wanted to work with the inner city youth after all I ache for the wordly rich spiritually poor who have more than everything but not Jesus.. 

I didn't think through the whole thing that the next day there would be an envelope with my results. It felt weird. You have a match stared back at me and I was like a oh, See its only a match if you tick each other.. See I fully expected a zero match scenario.See the thing was because I did it for a laugh because I wasn't out to find a husband  after all I am more than likely flying out to the US in 6 weeks or so, I don't want a relationship right now. I loved meeting new people and chatting. It wasn't that I have no self esteem and thought no one would like me it was that I didn't go into that scenario thinking I would get a date out of it.

I suddenly felt 14 again trying to work out what to do when that note is passed you know the one ' He likes you.' and you are not exactly sure if it was a joke or not. I didn't think I would feel like that after all it was all a laugh right? Luckily, I definitely remembered who he was and some of our conversation - Nice guy - asked good questions and had decent come backs. Questions swirled in my head does that mean he likes me? What if he ticked the wrong box? What if he had lost his sheet? Should I text him? ahhh!!!! The dangerous adventurer in me told me to go for it - to text him and see. So I did - we will see what happens with that.  

WK2 Monday

A text telling me he didn't have time came a day or so after I text him. I let it go thinking I would leave it up to him, I wasn't going to chase anything or push myself on anyone. I was slightly bemused by the whole experience if I am honest. Decided that I would do it again next week. Awkwardly the match guy was on the catering team. Every time I was in the lunch or dinner queue and I could see him  at the stationwhere those of us who can't eat the dinner went for the other options( ie vegetarian) I would pray that I wasn't allergic to the food. I didn't want to have that awkward conversation - perhaps not a mature response but all I could think of was the akwardness. 

I got chatting with another guy in the bar that night - speed dating ground zero-I mean. We hung out a bit had dinner together a few times, he was lovely but you know when you are getting to know someone as a friend then they get ahead of themselves. He asked if it was going anywhere. All I could think of was that I had only known him four days. What could have been a great friendship potentially plus turned sour. This dating stuff something Christian youth leaders call 'purpleing' ( Pink+ Blue = Purple.) seems to be a mine field, I realised that I was dipping my toe into a confusing world.

WK2 Thursday

"Allie you are going to be joining the catering team."  The team manager of my team told me totally out of the blue yesterday. I was being seconded to them.  needless to say it did not cross my mind  in the hours which followed that week 1 match was on that team. I was more afraid of the fact that there would be food I am allergic to. ( I will blog about this experience another time.) 

After my first breakfast shift. I spoke to the washing up crew (what an awesome bunch of individuals).

"you did speed dating didn't you." one of the girls asked "get any matches?!"

I told her that I did and as I told her I realised that he was on this team then it dawned on me because I am a compulsive over thinker that he might have thought I'd followed him to the team because - I liked him that much! Cringe ( the thought of it makes me squirm- who does that? seriously? because manipulating a situation to be near someone is plain desperate - I am sorry but it is) oh dear. She asked who and I told her. They all laughed. 

He then came to speak to me during lunch explaining that inebriation had caused amnesia and he couldn't remember much of speed dating. Which whilst explained the texting predicament was hardly flattering. Drinking and ticking does not entirely make a good combo and Dutch courage only stretches so far. I know I am a beautiful woman and I am secure in Christ who defines my identity but honestly its not very nice to say that alcohol is the only reason I might be interested in you, to someone. Still it answered the question. No, he wasn't for me.

WK2 Saturday

Speed dating round two I came prepared to take it all as a laugh. It wasn't too much different except for the awkward moment of being sat opposite someone you know. I enjoyed it but again no one particularly stood out to me and I thought about God's timing and knew that I need to be single to keep my eyes on him for the next season - marriage and family can wait.

After all I am not looking for a Romeo or even a husband right now but if I were I think the whole experience has taught me that someone who loves Jesus with every fibre of their being and is ready for his wild goose chase is worth the wait.

As for speed dating...

The experience was great and perhaps I will repeat it but I think you you have to do it for a laugh else it may mess with your mind a little bit and your ego. That is why it is so important that you go into dating as a Christian with your identity firmly rooted and established in God's love...

Qualifications

Picking up my parents local paper today I read this article.

"Girl in year ten at *LOCAL SCHOOL* gets singing coaching qualification. whilst many would not attempt the qualification until many years later this girl did. with a smiling face in front of a piano"

My stomach lurched I couldn't  believe it. I was under the impression that they wouldn't let you do it until you were 18 anyway and I at 18 years and 6.5 months was one of the youngest ever to attempt it and to pass with Merit. I wasn't even sure what I thought of the article or that the board had even let her take the qualification as you would not be able to get insurance to teach or  be able to have your own business teaching anything like that until you were 18  she would not be able to earn money until after her 16th birthday. Did they bend the rules? there were so many questions in my head none of which I could answer.

Then I thought about the qualification I had  and how like its certificate it is gathering dust somewhere. Does it matter that this girl did it or does it matter more what is next how she uses it? I failed to use it really and perhaps God has other plans for it.

I thought about all the certificates I have and what they mean. I have many letters after my name, but none of them matter if i do nothing with them. If my Geography GCSE and history degree are worth no more than a few pub quiz answers what does that make me. Clearly I use them for more than that - with a good understanding of maths I can make sure I get value for money. With my geography GCSE I can make sense of the lines on the weather map. you get the idea.

In this season God has been apprenticing me but I have no idea what for but what I have learnt could be applied in all sorts of ways, and there is still some to come. However, what matters is not my learning or achievement but my willingness to love, my desire to walk in his way and the only qualification that matters is that I love him and I do.

Gap year or gap life?

I have just completed what seems from the outside like my third gap year ... I have had a paid Job albeit not a graduate job in some swanky office somewhere that is cool. I have even been promoted. I wouldn't change the last three years for anything.

I have worked for the church for three years, contrary to popular belief all Christians work for God not just worship leaders... also teachers, milkmen, shop girls and lawyers but I have spent three working for his bride;  two years just outside London doing anything and everything the church there needed me to and one on a national discipleship program in the west country being an intern in a larger church specifically working in two areas of ministry and I supported myself by working in what is absolutely definitely  the most awesome shop ever.

Looking at my three years post uni life I haven't exactly 'lived the dream' - most of my fellow alumni have salaries and some even have mortgages... gulp! Many have married got engaged or something like that and some even have started families..Eek. then there is me a law unto herself always gallivanting but not settling after move number 18 or 19 - four counties, many many postcodes.

But little old me - no I haven't done the normal expected thing at all. I didn't even do a gap yah travelling  across the world and having pictures taken with orphans that I was doing something really really important for the kingdom for which you can't really translate to people who are not there.... I get it, I do... people are dying of things that are treatable . But it's so easy to gloss over what is happening here and what people here are crying out for is also Jesus. See in the developing world you see their poverty in their lack of food and every day things. Here you see it in the never satisfied abundance in the have to have in the trying desperately to use anything to fill the space in their lives that only Jesus was designed to fill... the  unending loneliness of staring in the black mirrors. The self worth measured by social media friends and followers. Does someone liking a post or retweeting define me? no Jesus defines me my sole purpose is to reflect his glory and delight in his pleasure.

So rather than racking up stamps on my passport I was getting my hands dirty in the local church here in the UK where it desperately needs young people, not just in the building but in the community. We live in a age where the UK needs gap year students and young people more than you can possibly imagine to really make a difference for his kingdom in our kingdom. 97% of people in the UK don't go to Church we are one of the most spiritually poor nations in the world.   Actually taking a year out is not the issue  its viewing our own nation as the mission field that tends to boggle most people, although the tide is now turning in churches it seems to viewing their normal every day acquaintances, friends and colleagues as the mission field.

I have learned so much about the kingdom of God and I have seen God in ways I simply cannot describe and I know who I am in Christ now. But most of all I have seen over the last three years is the local Church - at its best and its worst and in all levels in between. There is one thing that trounces the statistics and never ceases to awe me is how much God loves the local church no matter how high or low Anglican
(or otherwise), weather they like the word religion and however much they are spirit led or lacking the church in all its brokenness and glory is beautiful. I think we have forgotten how to serve the local church - we have forgotten that it is his bride made of us.  I am the bride of Christ and so are you my brothers and sisters.

 The problem is she has got rather too skinny and a little bit vain. After all what is fed grows and what is left wastes away and the church has on the whole become individualistic and introverted - the mentality to go where you get fed  until you don't is understandable but not biblical and all it results in is spiritual constipation. Gone is the one thing I am most passionate about - the whole family of God. Many churches don't let the children ever sit through an entire service all age services are gone in favour of what nourishes the adults. One of the best services I have ever been to a teenager preached with a bottle of a popular cleaning product and everyone loved it. Many are reluctant to help with the outreach to the elderly  because they are afraid of them. Gone are the days when young and old worshipped together and your church was your community through the good and the downright awful. I see why its happened, however my heart rings with Psalm 145 One generation will commend your works to another. How can they when they don't even go to the same services any more?

  I am recklessly abandoned for his kingdom and in his love. Its like he's the wind and I sail where he leads me. I chose to leave an Ok relationship - which would have inevitably ended in marriage to pursue a covenant relationship of a different kind.  God has seriously broken my heart for the west and the elderly and perhaps that colours my opinion. However, I choose obedience and for me that means - for this season at least I will live an unconventional life one that requires being a nomad, leaving a job I love for the one I love but most of all it means that I go where he leads. To be honest I wouldn't have it any other way - wherever I end up. Next stop is the USA ( visa permitting.) on what could easily seem like the fourth gap year. I have learned that my perception of a Gap year for God was essentially time you let God have free reign of your life then well the real stuff begins the Salary, engagement and morgage. For some people that might be the case, that might even be what God has for them but for me, I am on a Gap life, My life is his whether I end up in Asia at an orphanage or in America with an international missionary organisation  or  in a local church just loving the elderly.

The thing is you only get one shot at life and mine belongs to Jesus - the whole shot- not just the easy bits or the normal bits. The whole lot. I love him and do you know what I'd rather have his adventure than my career success. I would rather have him than all the gold in the world, I'd rather his intimacy than a husband- really- but most of all I would rather be with him  and dwell  in the presence of the lord living by his word than anywhere - conventional or not!