Excess Baggage.

Some days I wish that I didn't have baggage that I could walk through life and not pick up junk that hurts or that is just there niggling. As Christians we start fresh every morning - keeping short accounts with God but there is still this Shrapnel that seems imbeded the rubbish that we just can't understand why its still there but it is.

So I cleared my purse out today  its been one of those jobs I just haven't got around to do in a while - clear it of receipts, old train tickets and general rubbish that builds up. In the back of my purse I keep a ICE card basically telling what I am allergic to and other information like what medications and conditions I have also my donor card. I feel its really important that if God calls me home and someone has a chance to live using my organs then that is for God's Glory. I have this so that I can give it to a paramedic in an emergency.

Anyway so I saw this card (its folded in half) and thought have I updated it recently? as I pulled it out of my purse a picture of my ex-boyfriend fell out. Its been over a year since my one and only ever relationship ended. So clearly I hadn't updated the card in a year but it kind of shocked me because I had been carrying around a photo of my Ex boyfriend for a year totally inadvertently- every day.

Its like that in life though  you think you have let go of something or someone who hurt you then it just takes a small root around to realise that its actually closer to the surface that you thought it was. I thought I was over him bit in that moment I genuinely realised I was that I didn't need to carry any part of him around with me that that chapter is closed in my life well and truly. It was quite cleansing, to know that he was not part of my life any more his photo was no more than a train ticket - a memory of where I had been but was no longer. That might sound a little harsh but its a good thing for me sure his picture holds more memories than a train ticket to the nearest town but they are both journeys that have run their course- expired.

We are so prone in this day and age to hold on to such copious amounts of excess baggage, rubbish that we pick up little things that we over think perhaps or lies we believe. we are told in the gospels that all  baggage has to be checked in at the foot of the Cross. But we are used to it. Its weight, how it feels to carry it, we are used to just carrying it because its there. its easy to try and convince ourselves its just the size and shape for hand luggage that we can manage it - we won't need to check it in. but the truth is we don't need to carry our baggage around with us. So I had a friend I went to school with whom in year 7 would carry ALL his textbooks around with him every day until our deputy head of year/history teacher somehow noticed and explained to him that there was no need to have all of them. Just the 2 lessons between break and lunch.

I guess we can be like that sometimes having all our rubbished stashed away in our rucksack where we can't see it but we are carrying it. Have you ever noticed how a rucksack feels lighter when it is on your back than when you lift it with your hands. its easier to carry stuff when it isn't in your hands you're still carrying it though.

Sometimes it just comes down to the moment when you say look God here is all my shrapnel this is all my rubbish please heal me... and he will.. its ok to have baggage its just not the best thing to carry it.

Some encouragement

Yesterday God healed me. If I could put God in a box and control him then it would have been my food allergies he would have healed or my sight so I didn't have to wear glasses or my asthma but he didn't heal any of those things. God healed me of some lies and irrational fears I believed in my life. I ended up flat on my back giggling in the spirit. I guess what I am trying to say is I am glad I can't control God because feeling whole and complete and at peace beats eating a lemon meringue pie or plum tart. Healing beats all the things that I miss being able to eat  it beats wearing glasses.

Moral of the story is don't even consider to put God in a box yes ask, believe but he is sovereign and as far as I am concerned he can do what he likes because it will be better than what I want.

The great Obstacles and Enlightenments found in the 62nd psalm.

I have a bit of a creative block going on at the moment I am stuck on one passage of scripture  and none of the rest of it seems to be inspiring me and I don't know how I can creatively express the passage it is only just about making sense and meaning to me  no matter how much of the bible i read I am drawn back to it

So because it is what I just can't get beyond I figured rather than wait for something else I will give you what four months of meditating on a passage has revealed

Psalm 62:5-8 bible gateway link to this passage

⁵ Wait calmly for God alone, my soul,
    because my hope comes from him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my saviour—my stronghold.
    I cannot be shaken.

⁷ My salvation and my glory depend on God.
    God is the rock of my strength, my refuge.
⁸ Trust him at all times, you people.
    Pour out your hearts in his presence.
    God is our refuge. 

God, the one and only— I’ll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? (MSG) Psalm 62:5

Waiting. I hate waiting It sucks in case you didn't notice, I am not a  naturally patient person. I often feel in God's waiting room and it isn't a doctors/ dentist waiting room its a hospital waiting room. For those of you lucky enough not to know the difference of this I shall briefly explain. Most Doctors/dentists give you an appointment and you may wait up to half an hour  at the most beyond your appointment time. A Hospital waiting room you should take a book and some knitting and  yep you will be lucky when your seen and you just don't know what time person the Doctor is seeing or who is before/after you. I am fortunate enough to say that there has only been one time I have had a hospital appointment was to do with a mole on my arm and I waited two hours which is not bad- apparently because if there is an emergency elsewhere in the hospital or for the previous person all bets are off.

Waiting on God feels like a hospital appointment you know that its coming at some point this lifetime but when or how long your waiting is a mystery, its not like a roller coaster when you know your getting close to the front  you just have no idea who around you will be called next there is no discernible queue or reference. It is very lonely and isolating waiting in a hospital waiting room. I think that its not good for us to think this way. Waiting on God is not a hospital waiting room because see he is waiting with us so we not alone. Its not about the thing we are waiting for its about knowing that in waiting we are growing that we know we can trust an unknown future to a known God (Corrie Ten Boom) (see 2 Peter 3:9 for more on waiting)

God is worth waiting on. because he has everything that is worth hoping for I'd rather wait on his best than my paltry understanding.

He’s solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I’m set for life. (MSG) Psalm 62:6

its always good to be reminded just who God is that we can hope in that we can be ourselves with him to.

My salvation and my glory depend on God. God is the rock of my strength, my refuge (GW) Psalm 62:7

This is the big one. This is the passage that really sticks in my head because it is about glory and glory is a touchy subject for our generation. We grew up in a time of celebrity this means that for many people my age being Glorified is aspirational. Being glorified by our peers is what most people desire more than everything else if it matters more how you are percieved than who you are doing it for then you are proabably guilt of this. I am guilty of this we are addicted to glory and approval we want to be the best.

Unless your glory depends on how God views you, you are in a sticky mess. Only God saves he is the strength not us he is the refuge not earthly rubbish.  Its taken me a long time to process this passage because if my glory is dependent on God not my own strength then I only need to seek approval from him.

So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. (MSG) Psalm 62:8

The safest place to be in the entire universe is at the centre of God's will and plan for your life. Pour out your heart to him for when you walk with him nothing is second best, he is someone to have a relationship with always. I would do anything for God  totally surrendered to his will and who he is; but for my own ego. Its hard to be surrendered totally because I am so used to being selfish and giving up the best portions of life to him is counter cultural (over here in the west) I guess it comes with time and practise. But we have to keep trying right?!

Bruised knees and life in the 90s

13/03/13

I started school on my fifth birthday or at least that is what my mother tells me.  I remember it - the day I started school. I remember meeting a girl called Emily who shared the same birthday as me. I remember having a pudding basin bob, having 'stripy' blonde and brown hair being started on the blue reading books ( level three of Biff, Chip and Kipper). One thing I vivdly remember at infant school aside from the yellow of the jumpers and my part in the school play as an owl, was my two  It seemed daily rituals one of which was going to the office because I had fallen over. The scars from that time are now all but faded- yes I fell over so often I have scars...

Its really funny that feeling of falling flat on your face never changes, on Monday on my 'commute' to work I tripped over a curb went flying into the pavement. as I picked myself up I felt the familiar yet near forgotten ache in my knees and my palms. I'm not a dainty person... the women in my family on the whole are well built and I am no exception there was a lot of me that fell onto my hands and knees. Truth is I spent the vast majority of the 1990s with grazed palms, bruised knees and falling over. I know that is 15-20 years ago  but still you would think I could remember it but somehow as an adult its different... It hurts more perhaps looking at my knees in their purple and red glory I wondered how did I ever live with this on a near daily basis.

It got me thinking about the ways in which we grow and change. How something that used to be so commonplace in our lives now that thing is rare. Falling over was not a concious choice it just happens, you learn balance and road safety and other such things, I often wonder you know about sin and how we just keep on doing the same sin... somehow we stumble on that one more than others then life changes and there is a breakthrough and we look back and think how could I have been such a gossip or whatever it is. but when you are in that moment all you can think about is... not again. But the bible teaches us not to look back. not to live in the past (Isaiah 43:18-20).

I suppose the comfort is that we can learn and grow from our mistakes. we can choose his way the new life in us, that we know in ten years we won't have this issue any more - not if we are growing and seeking his redemption... yes we may have others... like I should not tweet or post on facebook when I am tired... That was not something I had to worry about in the 90s! I am thankful that we can grow we can learn and we don't have to live in the same situations our whole lives.

Sugar and Spice and all things nice???!

09/3/13 (unfinished article)
Yesterday was international women's day.

AS a woman in this century I can Vote, I can wear trousers or a skirt whatever colours I like, I can wear my hair long or short in fact in terms of social perception the only thing I can't do as a woman in this Century is become a bishop or a Catholic priest. I do appreciate that is not true across the world but it is certainly true here in Britain. So what in a world of equality  does it really mean to be  a woman in the 21st century? over the years gender roles have been more defined but now in the 21st century it seems we are getting more and more blurred with what defines female and male. So what remains of our gender?

My first thoughts were:

Biologically I am a woman. I have 2 X Chromozones I have the capacity to reproduce as a Mother (not that I have done so yet!) I have a female body shape and I am A Mezzo- Soprano.

Aside from the last comment is our biology all that should define us as women. Femininity is about gentleness its about being beautiful and in the past it has come with a whole plethora of social etiquette ( I am talking calling cards, chivalry, closets and fans)  a feminist may argue that these were all in place to suppress women's rights to be equal but is that really true? What happened to being pre-disposed to liking the beauty of things. Fondness for Flowers and things that are cute.  There are women for whom that isn't the case - I suppose there have been all down the centuries but history glosses over the  minority or they didn't speak such things.

Then I realised there is a distinct difference from being a woman to being feminine, femininity is the cultural application of the female gender it is what socially defines what being a woman is. In this country- in this century a woman has free reign over her style choices and femininity has never been so diverse. From black and purple swirls to pink and white stripes. We have a common consensus what constitutes feminine which perhaps isn't east to articulate its the feelings thing its the clothing we wear. 9 times out of ten if you see someone's clothing you could say that they were a man or a woman. or their bedroom you would know instinctively that they were either female or male if they were an adult of course...

I think we have lost some of the beauty of the damsel. I think we have allowed society to say to us that we are women therefore we have to be high powered we have to balance being equal with our body clocks and we have to buy into this view that we are supposed to have a double life. By that I mean to the outside world we are supposed to be equal and in the work place not notice gender in how we behave and how we are professionally even in the home be equal in our place. That is not right either we should expect a mirroring symbiotism  gender neutralising the world or allow ourselves to embrace the whole femininity social construct for what it is - we were designed to be female why not embrace that. Its not a modern view or a politically correct one. God made me to be equal to anyone else [definitely not better than anyone else] he also made me a woman I'm not going to ignore that part of his design.

Timidity and Bravery- of dogs and public speaking.

"Allie you are a Brave person..."

I have been told so many times in my life just how brave I am, the first time [I remember] was when I, aged four had stitches for falling over a doorstep then three days later for tripping over again. (always very accident prone.) bravery is not something anyone can quantify or contain its doing something in the face of peril or danger. I could give you the edited highlights of my bravery more than a few stitches in A&E but I won't not because I am scared what you would say but because you don't want to hear my life story and its besides the point..

I guess you are probably wondering what this has to do with my apparent absence from the blogsphere and lack of Art of late. Its not that I haven't been writing blog posts I have its just I haven't felt the courage to hit publish. I could cry busyness - which I have been very busy this last month - but who isn't busy. Truth is sometimes i am a bit of a scardey cat- often i am a scardey cat. when it comes to hide in a corner or face your foes  I guess my bravery is often in question. The thing is that people categorise life stuff you survived XYZ so you should be able to do ABC but its rubbish. Anyone who has been through serious trauma will tell you it doesn't work like that, each situation is different for each person.

For example until fairly recently I was scared of dogs to the point I would cross the street to avoid walking past a big dog. Dogs are growing on me slowly but if you had said sing or speak in public in front of lots of people it wouldn't bother me much but walk a dog now that would be something that would have scared me to pieces, its a totally trivial example but the fact that I can speak in public doesn't mean I can walk a big dog or  something similar or that those things didn't scare me. Being brave is not just about overcoming fear its about making yourself vulnerable and I guess that is what I have sort of been afraid of. second guessing what you would want to read about.

As for my lack of artwork I could put it down to the fact I have been very stressed and I just can't draw when i am stressed. or the fact i have found a slightly different outlet for my creativity which is frog shaped cuddly toy... anyway here is to all those brave people out there who walk dogs on a daily basis and are fighting terrible demons and diseases - never forget being brave is about knowing you are not in it alone that he is with you IS 40:29-31...


now to hit publish...

Je chante donc je suis...

I sing therefore I am.

 I have a beautiful voice. There is no getting round it, it's the one thing in the entire world I am not modest about. There are a couple of reasons for this; one is that when you practise something for as much as I did as a teenager you have to love your voice with all your heart the other is less practical I see my voice as a direct gift from God. Its not something you can buy your either born with a lovely voice or your not yes you can train it but its something that God gives as a gift; but you could say that about anything really. But mostly because it set me apart it was something that they couldn't pick on me for because it was and is beautiful.

When I was 18, I was utterly consumed by how good my voice was I loved it I would sing all the time. I would practise my songs, exercises and other such things for 30 hours a week or more as well as all my school work. I loved to sing it was what defined me what my whole life centred around. It was an Idol I suppose. when I went to university I guess my love for it fizzled a bit not because I didn't love to sing, I still do, but because it didn't set me apart and I couldn't practise as much because I was in Halls then in a house. What I mean is it didn't define me. I wasn't Allie the one with the beautiful voice because there were lots of people with beautiful voices and some were far better than mine. Uni politics for shows was brutal, you had to be as far as I could tell; pretty and slim with a good voice and amazing acting skills to get anywhere oh and of course you had to be friends with the director or producer that got you somewhere.

When my faith underwent a revival I noticed that in worship I was singing so people would say after the service what a beautiful voice I had not for God. I had brought my idol into his house, it took me a while to realise that. I felt lost because my one true gift of worship I had been misusing and I questioned every time I opened my mouth in worship; who I was worshipping God or my Ego?  This is why I took to signing, because I knew that if I was signing it was for God and him alone. No one would know if I was any good or not or what I was doing but I needed him to know that I was trying to worship him not myself.

At the moment I feel God has parked this gift. I sing at the weddings and Funerals I verger for and in the church choir. I hope that in the future he has something for me to use it for his glory but for now It sings the psalms quite happily and lord of the dance (I still don't quite get that as a wedding song). I know we have to use our gifts, but they have seasons. One thing I know is this (psalm 62:5) My salvation and Glory depend on God. I don't want my Voice to be the thing that sets me apart amongst people. I want my heart for Christ and the way I am growing to be more like him to be what makes me distinctive not how well I can sing.