Emmanuel - God with us.
I guess you probably expected me to post again on the 23rd and I did expect to post but someone needed me and I was the only person close enough to help her. So you would be right I had intended the three days leading up to christmas but well a friend in need is more important than anything on a computer- sorry but to me it is. I count my real friends not my face book friends. So I think this post will be posted Christmas eve and the third perhaps on boxing day.
God is with, in and for us. This year I heard a theologian speak these words at the beginning of this year in London. ( Or at least I think they were these words) because God seems to have a bad rap sheet. and he ( an american preacher with his own specifically nuanced theology) I even read the book to go with it. but whether or not you agree with him theologically on any points at all as a christian or a non christian the fact still remains that God is with us, Emmanuel the person of Christ Jesus if god is all powerful and all present then it would make sense to say he is around us. But being present is not the same as being with someone as any person who has ever felt the pang of unrequited love would tell you.
God being with us isn't just about him showing up but its about him wanting relationship with us. Regardless of whether or not you are a Christian God persues you ( not I might add in a stalkerish or weird way) he loves us each so much he wants us to know him and to speak to him about stuff. Someone I met recently said to me ' I am not like you Allie I haven't got God to talk to about the S that happens in my life' it jarred with me because the truth was he had. God was with him through it all, God still is desperately seeking to be in relationship with him as he has been every day since he was born.Thing is my friend he just can't see it- he doesn't notice.
I like to think about being in relationship with God is like going on a long walk with others cross country. I am a keen hiker and I love to be out - not in the rain mind- walking. The thing is when you go on these walks if you go with friends or family you talk along the way you build relationship. God is with us on our life walk, sometimes we are silent and listen to him ( like when we read his word or seek his face) sometimes he is silent and we talk and sometimes we are both silent. But in our culture its like many people are listening to their music or watching stuff on their phone as they walk through life and just don't notice him and he loves them way too much to like tap them on the shoulder and say ' hey I am walking with you.'. If you know anything about rambling or hiking you know that well its a sociable thing. how can you see the beauty that surrounds you if you are on your phone or whatever how can you enjoy it. How can you see the dangers. how can you know where you are going. So maybe it is a long winded slightly tenuous analogy but God walks with us whether we choose it or not and he is the one with the map and the compass!
God with us is a promise Emmanuel is spoken about because Jesus is alive now on the cusp of 2014 as much as he was in 6BC when Mary gave birth... and even before that. Moreover, God isn't with us just because he is in us, he was with us before we chose him. In my last post I spoke about the prophets this is what it says about God with us in the person of Jesus.
The propehcy
Isiaiah 9: And you shall call his name... Emmanuel god with us.
Zecariah 2:10-13
10 “Shout and be glad, Daughter Zion. For I am coming, and I will live among you,” declares the Lord. 11 “Many nations will be joined with the Lord in that day and will become my people. I will live among you and you will know that theLord Almighty has sent me to you. 12 The Lord will inherit Judah as his portion in the holy land and will again choose Jerusalem. 13 Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.” (NIV)
This year I have really noticed the word Emmanuel, its really hit me God is with us. not just in the birth and person of jesus although that is important but god is with us its not just about the fact that God is in us because God is with us he chose to make us ( this' us' means those who have chosen to be his children) living vessels of his presence. Where I go God goes not just because he is in me' Christ in me the hope of Glory...' ' you are a temple of the Holy Spirit.'. but because he is with me. I have often when re living and remembering difficult moment in my life imagined Jesus in the memory. Having my friend there with me makes it less horrible helps the healing because he was there in the good moments and the bad.
Its kind of crazy if you think about it that the God who made the universe " he made the stars also" kind of God that each star in space was worth noting down as an aside in the creation narrative he breathed would want to share each of our tiny and momentary existences with us is kind of breath-taking. God who spoke and there was life would want to speak to us, walk with us, is remarkable really. God with us, Emmanuel, is kind of breathtaking.
God is not with me just when I lay hands on the sick and pray in Jesus name that they be well or when I speak a word of truth over someone. he is with me when I'm in the shower or stocking shelves at the shop where I work. God is with me always. Its my choice whether I include him in what I do or not.
Perhaps there is one question on your lips why? why is God with us? I have prayed about it and of course there are many reasons but I think its because he wants to be with us, he wants to be in us and he wants to be for us. That is quite shocking until you realise God is love and our god the name above all names is a relational God one who designed us in Eden to ' walk with him in the cool of the day'
May you know God with you today and always
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Christmas 2013: A Christ foretold.
I am currently doing an internhsip program/ discipleship year and working part time in an amazing shop. I realise I haven't posted in a while which is kind of stupid because last week we did a spiritual gifts inventory and two of my top scores were artisan and writer. Which has made it rather obvious to me that I have not painted nor written in some time which is denying what god has placed within me...
Therefore I am going to be blogging over the next few days on the things that God has challenged me on this Christmas:
A Christ foretold ( the prophetic surrounding christ's life as the turning point of human history)
And he shall be called Emmanuel - God with us.( the amazing truth of a God whom dwelt amonst us and is with, for and in us.)
Mary's Boy Child - how our culture seeks to keep Jesus as a baby.
and maybe something else if God challenges me more...
There is no point in human history that has been spoken more about (before during and after) than Jesus life thirty three years that changed everything. None, not even the year 2000, space travel or tv remakes of the medieval period.
We live in the post modern era where truth is relative and well everyone's opinion is well, equally valid and if you are vehement about any truth it is seen as a negative thing that you are imposing your opinion on others ( and as all opinions are equal well that isn't the done thing). The truth is that we don't get it. the whole prophesyed king part, firstly because there is on the whole exponentially less historical evidence as you get further back in history ie we have lots of sources from the twentieth century but very few from say the sixth Century BCE. This means that we tend to see history in larger blocks the further we go back. The prophet Isaiah spoke around 700 years before the birth of jesus (Isaiah 9 amongst others) we don't think about it as that long and even the prophet Daniel was proclaiming 400 years before. its like Thomas Aquinas in the 1200s talking about methodist Wesley or Martin Luther ( the german reformer) discussing Justin Welby or pope Francis or proclaiming the birth of Prince George. Obviously Jesus ministry is more important than all of these combined and they themselves would agree with that except prince G who can't speak yet being as he is 6 months old... but still we don't think about it like that as it is all in such distant past we don't count it. Now there are some things about your life and ministry that you can control but there is no way Jesus could have controlled the cirmstances around his birth... I mean come on - no one chooses where they are born or that their mum was 'knocked up' by the holy spirit.
So why would God do it? why would God give us all the clues... well in a way it is obvious so we knew that there was no denying this was him. The long awaited messiah. That his life was the pinnacle of human history. It kind of makes it undenable - beyond post modernist reasoning beyond relative truth one life stands the most foretold and the odds of him fulfilling every single prophecy that is billions to one possibility of happening (which is crazier odds than it being a white Christmas every year for a decade!) therefore it has to be of God.
... the people who have walked in darkness have seen a great light ( I am the light of the world)....a virgin shall concieve and bear a son ( how can this be since I am a virgin)... out of you bethlehem a future ruler will come from you (so joseph went from nazereth to the town of bethlehem in Judea)... a shepherd to his people ( I am the good shepherd).... the house and line of david ( david begot... joseph)... I will remove this land's sin on a single day ( Christ died for us so that we should not perish but have eternal life)....
There are hundreds of them literally. The mesmerising truth that God loved us so much he put a big pointing arrow throughout all of scripture... look here is my son with whom I am well pleased ( Yep God is down with the street lingo). He died to reconcile us back into the heart of God and that my friends is the true Christmas miracle.
Therefore I am going to be blogging over the next few days on the things that God has challenged me on this Christmas:
A Christ foretold ( the prophetic surrounding christ's life as the turning point of human history)
And he shall be called Emmanuel - God with us.( the amazing truth of a God whom dwelt amonst us and is with, for and in us.)
Mary's Boy Child - how our culture seeks to keep Jesus as a baby.
and maybe something else if God challenges me more...
A Christ Foretold
As someone who would call themselves, if anything, a Historian with a BA(hons) to prove it. The fact that hundreds ( arguably thousands) of years before that bethlehem night so many of God's prophets ( God's mouthpieces) were proclaiming almost every aspect of Christ Jesus' birth is astounding to me ( notably the only thing missing was the date unless of course you count Daniel's gold head Dan 8-9). Not because it isn't in God's power to do so but that God would. Think about it, of course God knew as he knows the date, time,circumstance and place of all births ( lives and deaths ) in creation. But that he bothered to share something so great with his children, even if they didn't understand it, astounds me. If nothing else in the bible (and believe me a lot does) tell you that God cares about people that he told his people that hope was coming is kind of crazy. Sure some of the prophecies are nothing if a little tenuous if you don't know much about Jesus life and ministry or you have read Jesus life and ministry with your own agenda ( Isaiah 61- if you are reading the prosperity gospel will make no sense!)There is no point in human history that has been spoken more about (before during and after) than Jesus life thirty three years that changed everything. None, not even the year 2000, space travel or tv remakes of the medieval period.
We live in the post modern era where truth is relative and well everyone's opinion is well, equally valid and if you are vehement about any truth it is seen as a negative thing that you are imposing your opinion on others ( and as all opinions are equal well that isn't the done thing). The truth is that we don't get it. the whole prophesyed king part, firstly because there is on the whole exponentially less historical evidence as you get further back in history ie we have lots of sources from the twentieth century but very few from say the sixth Century BCE. This means that we tend to see history in larger blocks the further we go back. The prophet Isaiah spoke around 700 years before the birth of jesus (Isaiah 9 amongst others) we don't think about it as that long and even the prophet Daniel was proclaiming 400 years before. its like Thomas Aquinas in the 1200s talking about methodist Wesley or Martin Luther ( the german reformer) discussing Justin Welby or pope Francis or proclaiming the birth of Prince George. Obviously Jesus ministry is more important than all of these combined and they themselves would agree with that except prince G who can't speak yet being as he is 6 months old... but still we don't think about it like that as it is all in such distant past we don't count it. Now there are some things about your life and ministry that you can control but there is no way Jesus could have controlled the cirmstances around his birth... I mean come on - no one chooses where they are born or that their mum was 'knocked up' by the holy spirit.
So why would God do it? why would God give us all the clues... well in a way it is obvious so we knew that there was no denying this was him. The long awaited messiah. That his life was the pinnacle of human history. It kind of makes it undenable - beyond post modernist reasoning beyond relative truth one life stands the most foretold and the odds of him fulfilling every single prophecy that is billions to one possibility of happening (which is crazier odds than it being a white Christmas every year for a decade!) therefore it has to be of God.
... the people who have walked in darkness have seen a great light ( I am the light of the world)....a virgin shall concieve and bear a son ( how can this be since I am a virgin)... out of you bethlehem a future ruler will come from you (so joseph went from nazereth to the town of bethlehem in Judea)... a shepherd to his people ( I am the good shepherd).... the house and line of david ( david begot... joseph)... I will remove this land's sin on a single day ( Christ died for us so that we should not perish but have eternal life)....
There are hundreds of them literally. The mesmerising truth that God loved us so much he put a big pointing arrow throughout all of scripture... look here is my son with whom I am well pleased ( Yep God is down with the street lingo). He died to reconcile us back into the heart of God and that my friends is the true Christmas miracle.
Sunday, 17 November 2013
once upon a Christian dating fairytale
As a mid twenties single Christian girl the world of dating and relationships looks a little crazy and I often wonder how we manage to get so well funny about it. When I talk to my non Christian friends they are all on the whole getting on with it. Where as we are like giggly teenagers ' you like him ...' like we are fourteen or something sat in the back of class passing notes. The thing that no one really talks about in all this is the Christian fairytale; how and how much we buy into it. So many of my friends first relationships ( more than a few dates I mean) have failed. Its just well normal the Christian fairytale is a culture and its one the devil uses to discourage us.
For those of you whom are not acquainted with this fairytale it goes a little like this. girl meets boy at youth group/Christian festival/ Gap year/ University CU and at first sight God says to them ' this one your gonna marry this one!" then you date in a pure and honourable way ( kissing with tongues optional) two weeks in you realise that this is the person you will marry! after seven months or after you turn 18 you get engaged. Just after you graduate you marry and by the time you are 30 you own a house and have 2 children ( Dog or Cat are optional).
Single graduates don't fit into that idyll they just don't especially considering I haven't exactly had the best relationship past. So I met a guy when I was 17 in the fairytale approved setting of a Christian retreat we started going out when I was 18 but the thing is that well he was Catholic and they don't have the same fairytale. Therefore at every milestone in the fairy tale when things didn't happen as the fairytale stated I would be frustrated. Especially considering that one of my best friends had (at first glace) the whole kit and kaboodle ( not the kids yet!). When my Ex and I had been dating for 2 years and there was no engagement people gave me funny looks I felt judged I felt like I was ruining the beginning of a perfectly good fairytale. Which lets be honest is ridiculous so when people asked I was quick to assure them that as he had another year of his degree after I had finished we were waiting... blah. It hurt reading on facebook that Amy* and Matt* were engaged ( dating 7 months) or that Jessica* added to her timeline a life event Married Joe Bloggs* (total dating 1 year 5 months), sometimes it still does, to think of what could have been had things been different but as Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's Kingdom', but this pain its not of God its of the enemy. Do you know what looking back I am so thankful that I didn't get engaged to him or marry him which the fairytale would have stated that I would be by now. Whilst my contemporaries were posting engagement and then wedding pictures I had the status Allie B is now single. God didn't want me to marry someone whom was not his best for me and I am very thankful.
Sometimes it feels like I am on the shelf now as a single graduate which is a lie. In my mid twenties I am not on the shelf and the shelf doesn't exist because well God isn't like that and our experience of life shouldn't be about our culture ' don't conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind.' the pattern of this world is any culture that is not of Christ and whilst that fairytale began in a godly Christian place its lost its roots and no where in the bible does it state that ' the eleventh commandment is to be married before you are 25'!
The fairytale is a lie and there is various reasons for it being a lie the first is it makes relationships and dating sound easy which is not the case ( anyone whom is married will tell you that much) the second is that it denies the beauty and variety of human life experience ' the thief comes to steal and to destroy but I have come that they may have life and life to all its fullness.' What about the people whom take 2 years to work with deprived kids in poverty and meet someone when they get home? What about the godly couple that don't meet till their late thirties. How is that any less of God and magical and special? If we buy into the fairytale we are setting ourselves up for a fall because it is the exception and it is by no means the best thing you know. I wouldn't want to be in sleeping beauty not really not if you really think about it a princess in a coma and a prince kisses her then they fall in love and get married. Its a little bit creepy right?
But also two things hit me one is if God is all powerful and all knowing and has it all under control why doesn't it just happen? Think about it don't you think if he wanted to be married then I would be. There must be a reason why not perhaps because I need more healing I need to learn something or that the other person is not in that place yet. Perhaps it could be because he wants me to be more secure in whom I am in Christ before he adds another broken person ( as we all are broken) into the mix. Or another reason that is for my good. Secondly it should be his choice if I marry or not. If we truly live for the kingdom - by and for his will and purposes everything that makes a big impact on our lives should be up to God. Of course we ask seek and knock (Matt 7:7-8) but ultimately I trust whatever is best for his kingdom and for this season.
Psalm 138:8 (ESV) The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Maybe we should chalk the fairytale to culture and just say that is nice but where is its foundation in scripture? What I have been learning recently is that maybe marriage isn't the priority and shouldn't ever be a goal for the Christian life. Surely intimacy with God that is way more valuable and perhaps in that place something might blossom on the marriage front but it would be in a place of godliness not our culture.
For those of you whom are not acquainted with this fairytale it goes a little like this. girl meets boy at youth group/Christian festival/ Gap year/ University CU and at first sight God says to them ' this one your gonna marry this one!" then you date in a pure and honourable way ( kissing with tongues optional) two weeks in you realise that this is the person you will marry! after seven months or after you turn 18 you get engaged. Just after you graduate you marry and by the time you are 30 you own a house and have 2 children ( Dog or Cat are optional).
Single graduates don't fit into that idyll they just don't especially considering I haven't exactly had the best relationship past. So I met a guy when I was 17 in the fairytale approved setting of a Christian retreat we started going out when I was 18 but the thing is that well he was Catholic and they don't have the same fairytale. Therefore at every milestone in the fairy tale when things didn't happen as the fairytale stated I would be frustrated. Especially considering that one of my best friends had (at first glace) the whole kit and kaboodle ( not the kids yet!). When my Ex and I had been dating for 2 years and there was no engagement people gave me funny looks I felt judged I felt like I was ruining the beginning of a perfectly good fairytale. Which lets be honest is ridiculous so when people asked I was quick to assure them that as he had another year of his degree after I had finished we were waiting... blah. It hurt reading on facebook that Amy* and Matt* were engaged ( dating 7 months) or that Jessica* added to her timeline a life event Married Joe Bloggs* (total dating 1 year 5 months), sometimes it still does, to think of what could have been had things been different but as Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's Kingdom', but this pain its not of God its of the enemy. Do you know what looking back I am so thankful that I didn't get engaged to him or marry him which the fairytale would have stated that I would be by now. Whilst my contemporaries were posting engagement and then wedding pictures I had the status Allie B is now single. God didn't want me to marry someone whom was not his best for me and I am very thankful.
Sometimes it feels like I am on the shelf now as a single graduate which is a lie. In my mid twenties I am not on the shelf and the shelf doesn't exist because well God isn't like that and our experience of life shouldn't be about our culture ' don't conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our mind.' the pattern of this world is any culture that is not of Christ and whilst that fairytale began in a godly Christian place its lost its roots and no where in the bible does it state that ' the eleventh commandment is to be married before you are 25'!
The fairytale is a lie and there is various reasons for it being a lie the first is it makes relationships and dating sound easy which is not the case ( anyone whom is married will tell you that much) the second is that it denies the beauty and variety of human life experience ' the thief comes to steal and to destroy but I have come that they may have life and life to all its fullness.' What about the people whom take 2 years to work with deprived kids in poverty and meet someone when they get home? What about the godly couple that don't meet till their late thirties. How is that any less of God and magical and special? If we buy into the fairytale we are setting ourselves up for a fall because it is the exception and it is by no means the best thing you know. I wouldn't want to be in sleeping beauty not really not if you really think about it a princess in a coma and a prince kisses her then they fall in love and get married. Its a little bit creepy right?
But also two things hit me one is if God is all powerful and all knowing and has it all under control why doesn't it just happen? Think about it don't you think if he wanted to be married then I would be. There must be a reason why not perhaps because I need more healing I need to learn something or that the other person is not in that place yet. Perhaps it could be because he wants me to be more secure in whom I am in Christ before he adds another broken person ( as we all are broken) into the mix. Or another reason that is for my good. Secondly it should be his choice if I marry or not. If we truly live for the kingdom - by and for his will and purposes everything that makes a big impact on our lives should be up to God. Of course we ask seek and knock (Matt 7:7-8) but ultimately I trust whatever is best for his kingdom and for this season.
Psalm 138:8 (ESV) The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Maybe we should chalk the fairytale to culture and just say that is nice but where is its foundation in scripture? What I have been learning recently is that maybe marriage isn't the priority and shouldn't ever be a goal for the Christian life. Surely intimacy with God that is way more valuable and perhaps in that place something might blossom on the marriage front but it would be in a place of godliness not our culture.
Monday, 9 September 2013
Presents- why I don't like my birthday.
For most people if you ask what their favourite day of the year is their answer would be their birthday. Course there would be others for whom it would be Christmas or another important date but for most it would be their birthday. I have never liked my birthday.
Its a strange thing to say and it is totally counter cultural but I don't like my birthday especially because of the presents. Now don't get me wrong I am really grateful and I am not putting down people who buy me things and I love them for it but I just don't like getting presents. Its not socially acceptable to say this and I sound like a total brat but its true on lots of levels I really dislike my birthday and presents. I am not saying I dislike birthdays in general because I don't I love other people's birthdays and buying them gifts but not my own. Which might sound hypocritical but its true and I will go on to explain it.
It started as a child when I didn't think I was worthy of what I wanted and because I had really low self esteem and for a while I had to share my birthday with my twin best friends who were in one case louder and the other more lovely than I was. Coupled with the fact that it is in the second week of September It was usually in the first couple of days back at school. I often got away with no one knowing it was my birthday at school except the people I loved.
That is the one redeeming feature of my birthday that people I love are around me or get in contact with me.
Although there is sincerity and love in birthday gifts I never felt it as a child or a teenager because well I now know gifts aren't my love language in fact they are the one language I can't get my head around (Gary Chapman the 5 love languages). Receiving gifts is not something which makes me automatically feel loved. It has taken me years to realise that although I really don't like getting presents I do feel the love and care that someone has taken choosing and buying for me especially when it shows that they really know me because then I know I am loved for who I am that is the bit that makes me feel loved not the gift itself. In other words I have learned how to enjoy it and take it in the spirit of what is given but it is not natural to me.
The social convention of gift giving is to me something our materialistically driven society is cultivating in us that we need to have things to feel loved and secure but its not the case. I am just not materialistic in that way - not that I am not materialistic because we all are to some extent but if our house got blown up with all my stuff in it the things I would mourn would be handwritten cards from my grandma or hoodies from things I have done. The other thing I would mourn are my affirmation books. Because words of affirmation are my love language closely followed by quality time. I would swap a pricey present for a piece of battered, stained card which said barely legibly "Allie I love you because you are....." or a 5 minute coffee chat in a heartbeat. I don't' think I am alone in that, but its not something you say to people or its ok to say aloud because you might be perceived as being ungrateful.
If you don't know what an affirmation book is then I will explain. I went on school retreat three times and at the end of it everyone was given a blank 'book' of sheets of A4 folded in half and stapled with your name on the front and each of your small group would write a message of what they liked about you, what made you you and that was beautiful. I did one of these for a friend of mine for her birthday this year wrote quotes and what made her an amazing friend. I wrote some of it on a train and when I told people what I was doing they thought it was lovely they thought that people stopped doing things like that at like 8. Children know how to express love in the way they receive it.
I think society tells us that we should really love our birthdays because of the presents and the cards and the stuff and having a day that is all about ME. It feeds this culture of materialism and selfcentredness. When you have a birthday often people ask what you got. I am guilty of this but wouldn't it be better to ask ( which is what I usually ask) did you have a good day.
It took me till I was 18 to realise that I don't love my birthday that it isn't a pleasant thing for me to be at the centre of attention. but my birthday isn't all bad because well its a excuse to eat chocolate cake and to see and speak to my friends something we don't do nearly enough. Its taken me the years since I turned 18 to realise that whilst I don't like my birthday because it stirs the selfishness and materialism around and in me God never designed birthdays to be about what you get God designed birthdays ( and this is a bit of a theological leap) to be about community because he designed us to function in community. My favourite parts of my birthday have always been the ones where I have met up with friends to have pizza or go to the cinema, family dinners and notes in my birthday cards.
So this week I officially become a year older than I was last week. This is who I am this is how I feel love I will not apologise for it. I am thankful God made me this way because well I love to be loved and I love to show love.This is one of the reasons I give my very closest friends hand drawn or made presents and cards because it shows at least 3 of the love languages (gifts, acts of service and affirmation) and because I have zero income at the moment. It is why I will post on facebook happy birthday because that takes time.
Its a strange thing to say and it is totally counter cultural but I don't like my birthday especially because of the presents. Now don't get me wrong I am really grateful and I am not putting down people who buy me things and I love them for it but I just don't like getting presents. Its not socially acceptable to say this and I sound like a total brat but its true on lots of levels I really dislike my birthday and presents. I am not saying I dislike birthdays in general because I don't I love other people's birthdays and buying them gifts but not my own. Which might sound hypocritical but its true and I will go on to explain it.
It started as a child when I didn't think I was worthy of what I wanted and because I had really low self esteem and for a while I had to share my birthday with my twin best friends who were in one case louder and the other more lovely than I was. Coupled with the fact that it is in the second week of September It was usually in the first couple of days back at school. I often got away with no one knowing it was my birthday at school except the people I loved.
That is the one redeeming feature of my birthday that people I love are around me or get in contact with me.
Although there is sincerity and love in birthday gifts I never felt it as a child or a teenager because well I now know gifts aren't my love language in fact they are the one language I can't get my head around (Gary Chapman the 5 love languages). Receiving gifts is not something which makes me automatically feel loved. It has taken me years to realise that although I really don't like getting presents I do feel the love and care that someone has taken choosing and buying for me especially when it shows that they really know me because then I know I am loved for who I am that is the bit that makes me feel loved not the gift itself. In other words I have learned how to enjoy it and take it in the spirit of what is given but it is not natural to me.
The social convention of gift giving is to me something our materialistically driven society is cultivating in us that we need to have things to feel loved and secure but its not the case. I am just not materialistic in that way - not that I am not materialistic because we all are to some extent but if our house got blown up with all my stuff in it the things I would mourn would be handwritten cards from my grandma or hoodies from things I have done. The other thing I would mourn are my affirmation books. Because words of affirmation are my love language closely followed by quality time. I would swap a pricey present for a piece of battered, stained card which said barely legibly "Allie I love you because you are....." or a 5 minute coffee chat in a heartbeat. I don't' think I am alone in that, but its not something you say to people or its ok to say aloud because you might be perceived as being ungrateful.
If you don't know what an affirmation book is then I will explain. I went on school retreat three times and at the end of it everyone was given a blank 'book' of sheets of A4 folded in half and stapled with your name on the front and each of your small group would write a message of what they liked about you, what made you you and that was beautiful. I did one of these for a friend of mine for her birthday this year wrote quotes and what made her an amazing friend. I wrote some of it on a train and when I told people what I was doing they thought it was lovely they thought that people stopped doing things like that at like 8. Children know how to express love in the way they receive it.
I think society tells us that we should really love our birthdays because of the presents and the cards and the stuff and having a day that is all about ME. It feeds this culture of materialism and selfcentredness. When you have a birthday often people ask what you got. I am guilty of this but wouldn't it be better to ask ( which is what I usually ask) did you have a good day.
It took me till I was 18 to realise that I don't love my birthday that it isn't a pleasant thing for me to be at the centre of attention. but my birthday isn't all bad because well its a excuse to eat chocolate cake and to see and speak to my friends something we don't do nearly enough. Its taken me the years since I turned 18 to realise that whilst I don't like my birthday because it stirs the selfishness and materialism around and in me God never designed birthdays to be about what you get God designed birthdays ( and this is a bit of a theological leap) to be about community because he designed us to function in community. My favourite parts of my birthday have always been the ones where I have met up with friends to have pizza or go to the cinema, family dinners and notes in my birthday cards.
So this week I officially become a year older than I was last week. This is who I am this is how I feel love I will not apologise for it. I am thankful God made me this way because well I love to be loved and I love to show love.This is one of the reasons I give my very closest friends hand drawn or made presents and cards because it shows at least 3 of the love languages (gifts, acts of service and affirmation) and because I have zero income at the moment. It is why I will post on facebook happy birthday because that takes time.
Monday, 19 August 2013
The Ghosts of the Past.
I guess I haven't been writing for a while. This is because of my brokenness. Because I have been back at the parents and I am not coping well with it its been like 2 weeks and I haven't got a job yet and nothing seems to be biting. I just didn't want to be another voice groaning about something online. I didn't trust myself not to rant about the job market or job hunting or being unsure of what is next. to share with you the reason I am not drawing is because I am not feeling happy enough to and I packed my sketchbook and pencils somewhere and still haven't found them because I can't bring myself to unpack because If I do then I am saying that I am staying. I unpacked the one bag I put all the essentials in but nothing more.
Its stupid because I have plenty of self control I have more patience than I ever thought existed. I trust God implicitly so therefore this fear isn't rational but still. Its all broken logic. After 13 or so moved in the last five years I can pack everything up in like an hour. Its totally irrational and I can't think of anything original to say. I have nothing worth sharing except the pain except the fear and the difficulty of living in a place I really don't feel well in nor have I ever. It sucks the life out of me being here. I have to cling onto the fact that it won't be for long.
Then I realised no one talks about the pains that keep them from places from situations. Everyone avoids something for one reason or another. Like when something particular comes up in conversation its the moment to go to the ladies. something I have learnt in this season is that avoiding or failing to get over your past is only ever detrimental to your future.
I walked past my primary school on the way to church tonight and I wondered if that little girl that started school on her fifth birthday would think of the twenty something walking past those gates that seemed like ten feet tall nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes I miss that innocence, that five year old who just wanted to be at school just wanted her life to start. She truth is that I'm not her and she is not me. She was me well more grammatically correct I was her. but now is the only part of my life I can control. My now is what I have to concentrate on no matter how hard it is. The choices we make are always ours and always in the now. So maybe I just need to concentrate on how on earth in this season that is hurting me and draining me so much I can give God glory.
Its stupid because I have plenty of self control I have more patience than I ever thought existed. I trust God implicitly so therefore this fear isn't rational but still. Its all broken logic. After 13 or so moved in the last five years I can pack everything up in like an hour. Its totally irrational and I can't think of anything original to say. I have nothing worth sharing except the pain except the fear and the difficulty of living in a place I really don't feel well in nor have I ever. It sucks the life out of me being here. I have to cling onto the fact that it won't be for long.
Then I realised no one talks about the pains that keep them from places from situations. Everyone avoids something for one reason or another. Like when something particular comes up in conversation its the moment to go to the ladies. something I have learnt in this season is that avoiding or failing to get over your past is only ever detrimental to your future.
I walked past my primary school on the way to church tonight and I wondered if that little girl that started school on her fifth birthday would think of the twenty something walking past those gates that seemed like ten feet tall nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes I miss that innocence, that five year old who just wanted to be at school just wanted her life to start. She truth is that I'm not her and she is not me. She was me well more grammatically correct I was her. but now is the only part of my life I can control. My now is what I have to concentrate on no matter how hard it is. The choices we make are always ours and always in the now. So maybe I just need to concentrate on how on earth in this season that is hurting me and draining me so much I can give God glory.
Saturday, 3 August 2013
thoughts about life
7th July (forgot to press post)
I have done something radical. I have banned all negative and unproductive thoughts from entering my domain. I will be positive about this situation and the fact I have two weeks ( ish) left of this internship and still no job to speak of - I have no idea what my next address will be or indeed where it will be in the world but god does. somehow that went from being epically scary to actually being ok. People often say they wish they had my faith. but it goes hand in hand with the doubt and the periods when God either is or feels silent.
I am content being single which is probably a good sign, in fact being single is great - don't get me wrong I still dream of the beautiful family I will have one day but that could be like 10 years away... I pray its closer than that but Its kind of up to God. I like the idea that I haven't had my romance story yet and it will be brilliant.
I have done something radical. I have banned all negative and unproductive thoughts from entering my domain. I will be positive about this situation and the fact I have two weeks ( ish) left of this internship and still no job to speak of - I have no idea what my next address will be or indeed where it will be in the world but god does. somehow that went from being epically scary to actually being ok. People often say they wish they had my faith. but it goes hand in hand with the doubt and the periods when God either is or feels silent.
I am content being single which is probably a good sign, in fact being single is great - don't get me wrong I still dream of the beautiful family I will have one day but that could be like 10 years away... I pray its closer than that but Its kind of up to God. I like the idea that I haven't had my romance story yet and it will be brilliant.
Praying how you were designed to.
14th July (Thought I had pressed post)
We are the body of Christ. Sometimes we forget how important community is. In the last six months I have noticed something. God more than often answers my prayers for other people far more often than my prayers for myself.
I'm not saying that you should stop praying for yourself because personal prayer cultivates personal relationship with Jesus. What I am saying is we shouldn't get so wrapped up in our personal issues that we forget that we are supposed to pray in community we are supposed to bring all the troubles of the world to the foot of the cross whether they are ours or not. when we fail to see that we were designed for fellowship and community we miss out. After all - when two or three are gathered in his name....
I am thankful for all those praying for me.
We are the body of Christ. Sometimes we forget how important community is. In the last six months I have noticed something. God more than often answers my prayers for other people far more often than my prayers for myself.
I'm not saying that you should stop praying for yourself because personal prayer cultivates personal relationship with Jesus. What I am saying is we shouldn't get so wrapped up in our personal issues that we forget that we are supposed to pray in community we are supposed to bring all the troubles of the world to the foot of the cross whether they are ours or not. when we fail to see that we were designed for fellowship and community we miss out. After all - when two or three are gathered in his name....
I am thankful for all those praying for me.
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