The Ghosts of the Past.

I guess I haven't been writing for a while. This is because of my brokenness. Because I have been back at the parents and I am not coping well with it its been like 2 weeks and I haven't got a job yet and nothing seems to be biting. I just didn't want to be another voice groaning about something online. I didn't trust myself not to rant about the job market or job hunting or being unsure of what is next. to share with you the reason I am not drawing is because I am not feeling happy enough to and I packed my sketchbook and pencils somewhere and still haven't found them because I can't bring myself to unpack because If I do then I am saying that I am staying. I unpacked the one bag I put all the essentials in  but nothing more.

Its stupid because I have plenty of self control I have more patience than I ever thought existed. I trust God implicitly so therefore this fear isn't rational but still. Its all broken logic. After 13 or so moved in the last five years I can pack everything up in like an hour. Its totally irrational and I can't think of anything original to say. I have nothing worth sharing except the pain except the fear and the difficulty of living in a place I really don't feel well in nor have I ever. It sucks the life out of me being here. I have to cling onto the fact that it won't be for long.

Then I realised no one talks about the pains that keep them from places from situations. Everyone avoids something for one reason or another. Like when something particular comes up in conversation its the moment to go to the ladies. something I have learnt in this season is that avoiding or failing to get over your past is only ever detrimental to your future.

I walked past my primary school on the way to church tonight and I wondered if that little girl that started school on her fifth birthday would think of the twenty something  walking past those gates that seemed like ten feet tall  nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes I miss that innocence, that five year old who just wanted to be at school just wanted her life to start. She truth is that I'm not her and she is not me. She was me well more grammatically correct I was her. but now is the only part of my life I can control. My now is what I have to concentrate on no matter how hard it is. The choices we make are always ours and always in the now. So maybe I just need to concentrate on how on earth in this season that is hurting me and draining me so much I can give God glory.