The C word that no one really wants to talk about: Chastity.

Chastity. ( Long and slightly controversial post warning) 

Often people use Chastity and celibacy interchangeably and actually they mean something subtly but crucially different. To my understanding at least ( and the dictionary), Celibacy is the choice that you won't ever get married (or have sex) - it is also often thought of as a gift of the spirit. On the other hand chastity is the choice to wait until you get married for sex ( with only your spouse). By definition all  who are celibate are chaste but not all who are chaste are celibate. I thought I would clear up that definition before we waded into this controversial topic.

Chastity is kind of a dirty word in the modern world. Even in some Christian circles! Waiting is not cool nor is it liberal and neither is it what anyone really wants to do. Even if it is waiting until you are engaged; very few people of my generation will marry as virgins or marry virgins even Christians.People often put it down to hormones and yes hormones are powerful but you are bigger than your hormones. You have control over your body whether you like it or not! You are responsible for your actions as I am responsible for mine.

 I was in a seminar on homosexuality at a national Christian conference ( again one controversial topic at a time) but he gave a really valid point which was something that we often use to point the finger at homosexual people saying to them 'you have broken sexuality' when the truth is we all have a broken sexuality straight or gay - because we are broken people. ... I'm not just talking fifty shades of nasty, this is even true in biblical times for example the polygamy of Jacob( again one controversial topic at a time). I am talking about no matter what you think your sexuality is not pure it has been polluted by the fallen world we live in -but neither is it something you should feel ashamed of or be made to feel ashamed of because ultimately it is from God and it was a gift and Satan likes to make us ashamed of our gifts. Moreover, its one of those gifts that has a context like a combo ice and roller skate( detachable skate section) . How you use it and how it looks differ with the season.

Anyway then the guy running the seminar did an interesting straw poll. He told everyone in the room whose youth leader told them 'to wait until you got married to have sex' to put their hand up and around 90% of the packed cowshed put their hand up then he asked for you to keep your hand up if they told you why. and there were around two people with their hands left up.  He then explained that no one keeps a rule that they don't understand. which is true. No one thought to tell us why and if our generation don't know why then unless we sought it out, then are we giving those younger than us the right impression, many of the people in the cow shed were older than me so did they role model us the wrong impression - not that its their fault either if well the generation before.... you get the picture. Here is me breaking the cycle. Because if we don't understand it we are less likely to keep it but because when our friends question it ( and they still question it into your twenties) you will be able to give them an answer more than saying something you don't actually think like -' I just want my spouse to be the first' as I did before I finally understood it this year.

Since I was a teenager I have been thinking about this question and reading the bible on the subject- Why wait?- more so since I became single two and a half years ago.I thought I would share with you some reasons why Chastity is asked of us as Christians and myth busting some common replies and excuses both ways and actually getting to the bottom of why wait?

I am not talking about the skirting around the subject; rubbish that I was palmed off with ' what a lovely gift for your husband'... ' its just what good girls do'... the real reasons. It is time for us to know them and be able to explain them. I also should point out something - as Christians we should not just blindly accept anything given to us we should be looking for ourselves and having the debate, drawing our own conclusions about things. Praying for God to renew our minds on the topic. So here is some of my research- you can take or leave....

One Flesh ( the important part that they didn't tell us.) The actual reason that God invented sex.

So many people will tell you that God invented sex for marriage but they don't tell you why. The evidence of God creating sex was before the fall it was at the end of God creating the garden of Eden and came with the creation of eve. Therefore sex was created before the fall so in and of itself it is not a shameful thing because shame comes with the fall. Newsflash this means that God made Sex and  it is a good thing that God created. But in what context well the bible talks about one flesh.

 and that is why a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they shall become One Flesh Genesis 2:24

 ' and they shall become one flesh' What does that even mean? and they shall become one flesh ( cue spice girls two become one....) the beast with two backs? Hardly it is about penetrative intimacy but its more than that. Sex was designed to grow an intimate union between a husband and wife. Because it was not good for Adam to be alone, God created Eve. Husband and wife will be united and they will be one flesh as if there were no distinction between them physically, spiritually and emotionally. 

This creates soul ties. Soul ties are spiritual bonded connections and ties between two people and they are really really strong the bible uses various terms to describe them often knit together or in this case one flesh and they are not exclusive to sexual relationship. However, they are always present in sexual relationships because of their intimate nature. Sexual Soul ties are really hard to break and they will keep drawing them back to you emotionally, spiritually, physically whether you want them to or not. (Sexual) soul ties are real and they are painful if not made in a loving supportive environment like marriage. Truth is God invented sex to build us up in marriage ( its there in the verse). In marriage you make a covenant commitment to each other and to God, that is heavy and important stuff. so what God designed to be mutually strengthening in the context of that commitment, it makes sense for that to bereally very powerful. [As an aside if you believe you have ones not of marriage pray about it and ask that the Lord break them by his Holy Spirit. and if you are still not sure get someone of the same gender who is experienced in prayer ministry in the power of the holy spirit to help you.]

The Ten Commandments - thou shalt not commit adultery

Now this makes sense. After all the ten commandments were to show an enslaved nation how to live well. Adultery means any sex outside marriage. If God created sex for marriage because of the whole soul ties bonding in the context of covenant commitment, It does make sense that his best isn't to create bonds with people who aren't the person you made the commitment to.

Its a nice/good thing to do- what kind of a present will it be to your husband if you give him this lovely gift on your wedding night.

That is selling sex short and if you tell a teenager not to do something they'll probably do it and most teenagers struggle to see beyond the now in this area unless they know the why. If they know why then the behaviour tends to follow. The other thing is sadly most people  in church know they probably won't marry a virgin. Also in my experience they will hear many testimonies of converts talk about them sleeping around before they were saved but still no one explains to a churched teenager why. It kind of seems like double standards. Also because we live in a sexualized culture we have expectations for sex which come from Hollywood which tell us a fairytale view that no two virgins are likely to get. Because that takes practise,in reality its the learning together that is the joy of it - no matter your experience or so I am told.

STDs

I was only told one reason to the question why wait and it was at school of all places - I went to a Catholic school. I was definitely told, if not in so many words, that those who sleep around get STDs which by definition is on the whole true, but so do virgins who sleep with people who have STDs ( think of the AIDs crisis in Africa and the false view that sleeping with a virgin will 'cure you'). STDs exist and they are no reason not to sleep with someone- actually they are every reason not to sleep with someone if you think they have them- that is just common sense. But the fear of contracting STDs is  not a valid excuse because it is a fear and fear is not of God. Marriage does not prevent them;  Mrs Beaton ( the first ever Mary Berry) died from Syphilis she caught off her husband's pre marital liaisons with prostitutes. In a teenage mind choosing chastity so as to not catch  STDs or even that it is the best contraception ever is no excuse to wait especially if you know that your partner is a virgin too.and of course there is the old 'it will never happen to us'. I should point out that STDs are not God's best for us. Any bad physical consequence ( including unwanted pregnancy) is not God's best for us although he will make for good all circumstances because he knows and loves us enough to know our choices and planned his children accordingly.

No one will buy the cow if they are getting the milk for free... you have to take a test drive.

I have put these two together because they are equally and oppositely untrue. I know plenty of now married people ( including Christians) who have and plenty who haven't all based on their moral compass and/or study of the bible. It's not true that if he sleeps with you now he won't want to marry you and that if you don't you will be stuck with awful sex if you don't try it out. You can gauge your attraction to someone fully clothed - everyone knows that - even teenagers fawning over celebrities. Because here is something no one tells you except if you ask; then many married couples will tell you- Love is a choice, it has nothing to do with sex it is a choice and a commitment. Sex is about expressing that love and commitment. But sex can make you think you are in love when you are not - it comes down to those soul ties again. Personally I am of the view that intimate relationships should be emotionally intimate first then this confusion doesn't happen you should be able to bear your souls to each other before your bodies. I have gained a lot of opinion on this topic ( as you may gather!) and someone said that they would encourage any young person to have a deeply emotionally accountable relationship (friendship) with someone of the same sex before they think about looking to marry. I think it is good advice, also it is healthy to have good close friends who keep you accountable whatever your life stage.

Hedonism why not to wait... the world's view

Our  peers and culture are telling us that sex = empowerment and pleasure that nothing else can match. The pursuit of pleasure is called Hedonism.

Hedonism is a tiger and temptation in this area is just like any other kind of temptation, actually Hedonism is more than a temptation its an idol it puts pleasure and self satisfaction at the centre of your life.  How can we believe that if I eat two chocolate éclairs it will satisfy me for them. Once you have tasted of the pie the temptation is more difficult to resist that is true with sex too hedonism needs bigger pleasure to get the same fix and that is borderline addiction.  First its chocolate éclairs then its Chox buns and after that well you just stop bakery vans and eat the lot right? Yes there is a threshold of self control and I am exaggerating  but I think we forget that we are children of God and like no father wants to have to wheel their morbidly obese child around and pay for their dentures God doesn't want to see us following sex to seek pleasure or satisfaction or identity. Its a rule out of love, like the parent telling the child they can't have the ice cream from the van because they want them to be happy and healthy not always after ice cream.

The thing is we have allowed our culture to define something God created in its own terms. Sex is not solely about pleasure, its actually about much much more: intimacy, love, friendship, covenant commitment its about creating bonds which will last a life time, family and so much more. Its not about the instant gratification and it certainly isn't about you; its about him or her its about loving them enough to share life together all of it the good the bad and the ugly. Sex is not synonymous with pleasure - why do they ( the world and his dog) want to sell it short? that is just it- they want to sell it or rather to use it to sell stuff. Hedonism feeds materialism because when people become a means to pleasure they become a commodity. Sex was never designed to make people a commodity- something you can throw away at the drop of a hat when they no longer meet your needs. Furthermore, when it boils down to it, that is what this sex obsessed culture has at its core materialism and consumerism. True marriage is radically different its about committing your life to someone and them committing theirs to you and that God himself will fill the spaces that your spouse can't because its not just a covenant with each other it is also with God. That is why consumer sex feels empty the morning after because it is in the wrong place and it is missing that agape the security of forever and a faithful God. See you can't talk about healthy sex without marriage even if you want to.

He'll leave me - I feel I have to. 

Anyone who is worth being with will respect your opinion on your own body. Sex without mutual consent has a name its called RAPE. You have to be on the same page or if not you have to go with the most conservative because no matter your religious view that is common decency in any relationship to not push someone to doing things they don't want to do. So what if s/he gets bored and leaves? Being pressured into it is never good  by your partner, your friends, their friends. What does that say about a relationship really if you are being pressured into doing things, you are on shaky ground. If s/he doesn't like that then they are not worth being with because anyone who cares anything will not push you. I know that this doesn't just go guy pushing girl, some of you may not believe it but I know Guys who have been pushed into stuff... Learn who you are and learn where your security lies ( in Christ.). 

I've done it so what does it matter now... 

So whatever the circumstance it happened; drunk, sober, consensual or non-consensual, Christian, atheist at the time, baby, STD, love, boredom, engaged or one night stand you have popped the proverbial cherry so now it doesn't matter... the V card is gone so what is the point in waiting?

If you have given your life to Jesus there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus ( Romans 8:1) and his mercies are new every morning. we are dead in our transgressions and alive in Christ. It doesn't mean you shouldn't confess it, rebuke it and repent of it -its always good to tell him things and get things right with him ( no cheap grace here)- but you should decide on the truth based on the biblical evidence and make your conscience right with him. Sin is sin - murder to gossip. It bothers me that some people have wrongly preached that sexual sin is worse than any other. That is not true. If you caused another to sin then I can see that having a biblical foundation especially if they were innocent but unless you raped someone this is unlikely. Sin is all nailed to the same cross and is all bourne by the same beautiful man. It is all things that separate us from his best. Do not believe sin has a score of how bad because all sin is bad but no sin is irredeemable.( look it up if you don't believe me.)

Soul ties matter so you should be seeking healing and God for those. I believe that there is nothing that God cannot redeem.  We are so like this in our culture - accidently eat the doughnut and write the diet off for another day. oh its January 2nd bang goes that resolution for the year.... do you know what you do with your body matters to God as much now as it did then and he loves you. Choose his way not because you should but because it is the best. His best is the best. Ask for the gift of purity, commit to him the brokenness you carry and  healing your past sexual or not and making his story your story.

and what about that word: Chastity 

Yes its not glamorous and yes it is hard, if you spend any time around married people you will know marriage is hard, oh they don't tell you that one in Disney movies now do they. But you need to learn to be content whatever the circumstances. News flash being single is hard too. For me that means embracing this old fashioned word not as a label but as God's best for me in this season. I know that it is not celibacy the choice not to marry or sleep with anyone but to wait. Wait for whatever God's best means for me. To know that Sex doesn't define pleasure and neither does pleasure define sex. But now I will wait knowing that I have come to my own conclusions which is probably the most important thing of all because my conviction is not based on my feelings but knowing why its God's best and that will  be enough to overrule my feelings if I meet someone. 

 How does Chastity fit in our modern world?