I haven't blogged for a while because I know that it will just turn into a rant about my fruitless job hunting and constant rejections. How I haven't quite worked out what linked in is and I am paranoid about the fact that is the reason I am doing badly. Which is stupid because legally they are probably not supposed to be looking and with a surname like mine they would be hard pushed right. Then I remembered that I used my other email address to set it up so its unlikely that any employer would actually find it - I had done that deliberately so that I could make it good and slick before I put it out there.
What is up with this job market - two years ago before I started my internship I applied for like 8-10 jobs that I remember and got four interviews and now I've applied for a lot more than that and had a lot of rejection emails.Course there is nothing like a mass (bcc'd) emailed rejection email to show that they value the time and the effort you have put into your application. The thing is I know I would be amazing in each of these jobs, that is the frustrating part. I'm not just applying for everything I would be amazing at each and every one of these jobs not that I am being fussy I just know which ones I would thrive in and yet the doors are rapidly closing in my face and I am slightly bewildered as to what God is up to and why its so crushing that I just can't find the right door like in Harry Potter Philosophers Stone when Harry is on the broom in the labyrinth trying to catch the key when thousands are flying about him.
Two years ago I had my life planned out I knew what the next three years of my life would be like I was with someone and it was serious and we were content and the plan was for me to get a job or internship for a year or so whilst he finished his studies then last summer(2012) to get engaged and to get married the following Spring (2013). Then settle somewhere and begin to plan starting a family. It didn't turn out that way because, well it didn't for various reasons that I won't go into. I've been single for over a year now and I'm like God why don't you let me plan things. Then I remember that I have surrendered my life to him and well its not a pleasant feeling for someone like me who likes planning ahead and to be in control. I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't have anything except birthdays in my diary after August for some people that is exciting but for me its petrifying.
There is no plan any more... there hasn't been for a long time and it scares me no end. There I have said it. I don't really mind what I end up doing I have a passion for so many things that I could do anything but I just want to know is that too much to ask. I want to know what I will be doing come my next birthday but then I wonder about Isaac and Ishmael and I think maybe that is the tale for patience and waiting on God even when you feel his timings totally suck.
So God promised Sarah and Abraham a Child and once Sarah had got sick of waiting she said - God has promised us a child and its clear that he hasn't noticed yet I'm like 90 so what we should do is this you sleep with my servant girl (Hagar)and then she will have a son and God will fulfil his promise and we will have a family. (Gen16) Hagar - who notice doesn't get a say in this poor girl- asks God for a son (Ishmael) and she gets one but to the total jealousy and hatred of Sarah. then later God makes Sarah Pregnant (after she has slept with her husband clearly) and she gives birth to Isaac (Gen21). God makes good out out bad situations but even so in hindsight ( which is always killer) Sarah should have just waited on God to give her a son in the conventional way she would have saved herself so much heartache and pain. This is what troubles me about online dating because its not waiting on God not really and I hate to say it because I have so man friends who are so happy and have met their fiancé or husband online and yes God does use it to make good. God has written me a perfect love story like my life story. I have let him write and edit it even when it really hurts I have to stand and declare for him.
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