Sing until you make magic

Over five years ago I qualified as a singing teacher aged 18 and a half. I have only ever taught 3 lessons. Not because I am bad its just well I decided to concentrate on my degree and then god called me elsewhere. This week I have become angry at God because he is pushing my perseverance to levels I could not have imagined 6 months ago. This week I was angry because I need a job and God is STILL making me wait and I am petrified I am going to end up homeless which my friends assure me won't happen but its still the case that I cannot move to my parents because of family issues. (If you can call your parent(s) house home then you are very much blessed in my book.) so yer there is no other way of putting it in a month's time if I don't have a job then I will be homeless.

So that is where I was at on Sunday  I was very low and angry. I really struggled to get through church and I did even worse at the evening service all anyone could ask me was what next and I hate saying I don't know because it hurts. I ended up telling someone how I felt and she tried to tell me what is to follow but I just couldn't hear it because well I was so hurt all my body and mind could do was block everyone out. I got home and I was like God why do you have to leave everything to the very last minute why can't you just sort it out for once can't I just have a little security can't I just have one smidgen of something. Monday it was also pretty heavy on my heart till I was like you know what God  I can't be doing with this you have the whole thing I am not going to think about any more jobs this week I am going to take a week off from applications and scouring the interweb for things to get rejected from. I had had one of my diploma pieces in my head all day ' lascia chio pianga' (Probably spelt wrong) and it hit me square in the face. 

No singing teacher worth the money you pay will give you an easy piece to sing - they will push you and stretch you to coax out your potential. They won't dwell on the easy parts but give you strategies to sing the hard parts the bits which you don't take to naturally. They will encourage and support you whilst still engaging you to practise. But no matter what they do how good they are no one can sing it for you. No one can practise the movements and intervals that tricky rhythm or style for you - you have to practise the hard bits, do your exercises and breathe through your nose and out your mouth. For every one time you sing it wrong you will need to sing it five times right to overwrite that. No two good singers sing the same piece the same way. A good singing teacher knows what you can do and what you can't your range and your ability what songs will suit your voice and resonance.

If the piece is a real challenge there will be days when you think that it will never happen your voice cannot do that. Or you are so sick of the song you will wish that the composer or lyricist had been sick that day and put in easier rhythm and notes. But with every day the notes will blossom the words will be remembered the consonant and vowel sounds will come together, you will be able to sing the whole phrase in one breath, that tricky bit you will nail every time.

Then the concert will come or the exam and you won't just know the piece, somehow your heart and soul will kiss in the sound you make. Your practice, gift and perseverance will flow from you and create a little touch of magic and you will fly and everyone who hears it can't help but listen.

I've had those moments in concert and exams where you could feel the magic my Grade five singing exam the examiner cried( I sung On my own - les mis) and I got 100%. Concerts where when I sang you could feel the silent mesmerised nature of the audience even through all the nerves. I am not saying this to big up the fact I am a brilliant singer because I am not a brilliant singer. It is a Gift from God its not totally mine. It always sounds so much better when I sing to him. But anyway that is kind of irrelevant. The only remaining relevant thing to point out is that a good singing teacher would have the next tricky piece for you on the Monday/ next lesson following your exam/ concert. Because its not about the exam its about the growth.

The oddities of life

So I am still job hunting as my intersnhip end date draws closer. I  had a telephone interview on Friday and although rejections seem bountiful and interviews are in the singular thus far. Somehow I feel more positive mostly because more suitable and some very exciting jobs keep popping up on these websites.

There are days when strange things happen to me and Monday was one of them and it all started with pig biscuits we were doing the prodigal son with the small children so went to Tesco in the next town to  buy the marshmallows and rich tea biscuits and other bits needed  and I was walking down towards the station when this guy looked at me as if he recognised me. I definitely didn't recognise him but that isn't saying much  in my job I meet so many people and when you go to two churches it is kinda hard to tell especially when you were wiped and feeling a bit rubbish as I was then. As I crossed the road there he was again 'your gorgeous' he said smiling 'my name is Gary* by the way.' I was like  'uh I'm Allie' he asked me if I lived around here I was like 'I uh live somewhere.' mostly because that was what my brain could come up with as a genuine answer at the time.
When we got to the station I went to the machine to buy my ticket and two minutes later here was Gary* handing me a piece of paper it had Gary 07------ he said 'if you want to go out sometime text me.' I smiled and fished my ticket out the machine. As I walked over the bridge to wait for my train my friend text me about our plans so by the time I got to the opposite platform I was texting her back there's Gary opposite when I finish looking at me mouthing are you texting me....? I shook my head (AWKWARD).  Then his train came and that was it.

Now the question was do I text him. A huge part of me said no and there was this tiny 14 year old girl inside me which was dancing around singing 'A guy gave me his number...a guy called me gorgeous.' suffice to say my brain said no and it won... but it got me thinking do men really think that will work? I was flattered but all I know about Gary was that he was called Gary I don't know anything more about him except perhaps his taste in clothes and now his number. If we had talked all night at a bar or wherever then he had given me his number but it worried me that he knew my name and what I looked like and wanted a date. Are guys really that shallow? Would girls fall for it are they that shallow?

The non Christian dating world is so alien to me - ok lets be honest the whole dating world is alien to me I've been single for more than a year now after my first and only ever boyfriend which didn't work out. Thing is most of my life I have had a lot of guy friends  but when you have a boyfriend its not appropriate to have those kinds of friendships with guys not because said boyfriend was jealous (that is well irrelevant) but because I realised that as an adult you have to have accountable boy-girl friendships because well it all gets messy otherwise and intimacy issues rear their ugly head.

That got me thinking because Gay relationships and homosexuality has been on my mind a lot recently because it seems to be the issue 'de jour'. Anyway in Christian circles we are told to foster good solid close relationships with friends of the same sex but what if that is unhelpful especially if you see someone as a good friend and they are seeing you as girlfriend material (this has not happened to me or anyone I know but :| ) so why are we told to foster these kinds of friendships chastity and accountability I suppose. I have probably opened a huge can of worms but I think we need to  be cool about stuff these days because I can have a good close friendship with a guy and not fancy him in the least and visa versa so why then did my brain say it must be unhelpful for people who fancy the same sex.

I just re- read that paragraph and I realised that it happens all the time you like someone and they see you as a friend or visa versa gay or straight - woman or man  on the whole we as humans like so many more people in our lives than we kiss or date and we date more than we marry and well not all of them last despite the best of intentions. My history of liking boys and men is crazy long and messy and usually they are sentences which end good happy (although not always healthy) friendships. Boys/Men liking me is a short list its possible I said yes to dating Charlie* because well he liked me and he was a good friend. So why does God let us fancy all these people (for me men) why do we go through heartache? That is easy so we can grow so we can learn. I'm a better person for it but it is not what it felt like at the time. God loves me and I love him above all else that is what I learnt focus on him not my then relationship. When I get married to someone I in all probability haven't met or noticed yet  I will be a better wife than if I had never been kissed by Charlie in August 2008. I also think its part of something in us we are programmed to see and appreciate beauty both of  physical appearance and of personality. Which matters personality really matters to me I know this for certain because I spent some time with identical twin boys and I really liked one and not the other whom I saw just as a friend.

I am not quite sure how we got here but oh well - job applications to fill out I guess - why I haven't written for so long and a trip to Illfracombe with the seniors which was hilarious. I have changed the names of the people I have mentioned because well its not fair to name and shame people even if it is just their first name.


*Not their real name

The frustrations of life

I haven't blogged for a while because I know that it will just turn into a rant about my fruitless job hunting and constant rejections. How I haven't quite worked out what linked in is and I am paranoid about the fact that is the reason I am doing badly. Which is stupid because legally they are probably not supposed to be looking and with a surname like mine they would be hard pushed right. Then I remembered that I used my other email address to set it up so its unlikely that any employer would actually find it - I had done that deliberately so that I could make it good and slick before I put it out there.

What is up with this job market - two years ago before I started my internship I applied for like 8-10 jobs that I remember and got four interviews and now I've applied for a lot more than that and had a lot of rejection emails.Course there is nothing like a mass (bcc'd) emailed rejection email to show that they value the time and the effort you have put into your application. The thing is I know I would be amazing in each of these jobs, that is the frustrating part. I'm not just applying for everything I would be amazing at each and every one of these jobs not that I am being fussy I just know which ones I would thrive in and yet the doors are rapidly closing in my face and I am slightly bewildered as to what God is up to and why its so crushing that I just can't find the right door like in Harry Potter Philosophers Stone when Harry is on the broom in the labyrinth trying to catch the key when thousands are flying about him.

Two years ago I had my life planned out I knew what the next three years of my life would be like I was with someone and it was serious and we were content and the plan was for me to get a job or internship for a year or so whilst he finished his studies then last summer(2012) to get engaged and to get married the following Spring (2013). Then settle somewhere and begin to plan starting a family. It didn't turn out that way because, well it didn't for various reasons that I won't go into. I've been single for over a year now and I'm like God why don't you let me plan things. Then I remember that I have surrendered my life to him and well its not a pleasant feeling for someone like me who likes planning ahead and to be in control. I think the scariest thing for me is that I don't have anything except birthdays in my diary after August for some people that is exciting but for me its petrifying.

There is no plan any more... there hasn't been for a long time and  it scares me no end. There I have said it. I don't really mind what I end up doing I have a passion for so many things that I could do anything but I just want to know is that too much to ask. I want to know what I will be doing come my next birthday but then I wonder about Isaac and Ishmael and I think maybe that is the tale for patience and waiting on God even when you feel his timings totally suck.

 So God promised Sarah and Abraham a Child and once Sarah had got sick of waiting she said - God has promised us a child and its clear that he hasn't noticed yet I'm like 90 so what we should do is this you sleep with my servant girl (Hagar)and then she will have a son and God will fulfil his promise and we will have a family. (Gen16)  Hagar - who notice doesn't get a say in this poor girl- asks God for a son (Ishmael)  and she gets one but to the total jealousy and hatred of Sarah. then later God makes Sarah Pregnant (after she has slept with her husband clearly) and she gives birth to Isaac (Gen21). God makes good out out bad situations but even so in hindsight ( which is always killer) Sarah should have just waited on God to give her a son in the conventional way she would have saved herself so much heartache and pain. This is what troubles me about online dating because its not waiting on God not really and I hate to say it because I have so man friends who are so happy and have met their fiancé or husband online and yes God does use it to make good. God has written me a perfect love story like my life story. I have let him write and edit it even when it really hurts I have to stand and declare for him.