Why Envy is so destructive

For the last month or two I have been making a concerted effort to generally be more present. to not be constantly on my phone or facebook. I have done this for a great many reasons, but one was that I felt envy rear its ugly head.

So many people use Jealousy and envy interchangeably and the heart behind them is basically the same but outworking they are subtly different. Envy is a form of jealousy - it is being jealous of someone else's story. for someone like me who is not very materially orientated and loves stories, Envy is a sin which does tend to creep up on me.

This weekend I am going to be seeing people I haven't seen for a while. A School reunion, people who I kind of knew a long time ago. I know some will be married and some will have children and or both. I just know that. I am now in my mid twenties that is a thing which people do. Ten years on there will have been many stories and adventures.

I have done a great many things since I left school all those years ago... University, helping on a project to set up a school, singing in the Royal Albert hall, preaching on 3 continents and on national television in one country I went to. lived abroad for a year in lots of different places because of course I have been a missionary, I have had stuff published. a erratic blog( for which I apologise). I have written many books although all are yet to be published, my choice. I mean my 10 years haven't exactly been boring, not when you have been to dangerous places and seen God move in so many ways. His hand has really been on my life and for that I am thankful. I have had  many many offers of the mundane and the ordinary things which I have thus missed out on. Marriage, a 'serious' career, children etc. but that hasn't been what God asked of me.

I think I am going to be faced with the possibilities I declined, or even ones which were never truly opened to me. I am going to hear other people's stories, and I am afraid envy will creep in. ' oh you got married last year how lovely.' ' oh little jimmy is three now and suzie is five, how delightful'. ' oh you just got a mortgage - great'   ' you are CEO of some huge firm - that is great!' I think for many I will be genuinely happy for them don't get me wrong. but I know what I turned down for this wild wild goose chase that I am on. this God who broke into my life and has turned it upside down. All the roads not taken, all the money I didn't earn, the men I never looked twice at. the children yet unborn. When you leave school at 18 it kind of feels like all the world is at your feet that the possibilities of life are never ending. but then ten years or so later you see more of the world for what it is.

Envy is destructive, it is a comparison at its heart the fear that Eve had in the garden ' is God holding out on me?' is this forbidden fruit really an issue. Does God truly love me enough to give me the best? is what I have  now really his best? its tempting. I mean really to think like that. Especially on days when you see God answer the prayer that you have been asking for yourself for years and years to another. In  the spring 2012 I was newly single after the end of a difficult and abusive relationship. I was desperate for love and comfort. hating the loneliness but knowing that God had more for me than what I had left. So I prayed and prayed for a husband every night without fail. Earnestly seeking God to replace what he had taken, what he had asked me to relinquish so I could thrive. I know the latter part of that now, if I had married that man I would have never done half the things I have.

For six weeks  I prayed, fasted and solidly sought the lord for a husband crying out to him in my grief and anger. At the time I knew a lot of single people. people who I knew also were seeking the lord for spouses, in similar situations. I was just about to go away with the elderly in the church I was working for at the time the second week in June and about two days before we went I heard God clearly. He asked me to continue what I had been doing but not for myself but for those I knew in the same situation. To enter the throne room of God on their behalf not my own  I had to write a list. So I did. nine names were on it, today four years later I am the only one of those 10 people still single. most are married or will be before the end of this year. some have children. All are in serious relationships.Only one is not engaged but all the rest are engaged or married, except me. All Glory to Him for answering their prayers and mine, all glory to Him for his faithfulness in their lives.

It is hard to write that last line still waiting expectantly for him to move in my life in that area. I have often wondered in the years since if God is holding out on me. not because I haven't seen miracles in my life because I have - I really have. but because when you are faced with something like that it is hard not to Envy the hand of God on other's lives. there is undeniably something powerful when you pray for someone else what you have desired earnestly for yourself. Whenever I pray for someone, laying hands on them especially with the same medical condition I have they usually see a measure of healing. I know He is mighty to save. and even in my head I know that my waiting is not arbitrary. Protecting my heart from envy when I am faced with wedding photos and baby pictures is a battle. don't get me wrong I am so thankful for God answering those prayers I am so happy for my friends, ridiculously so but I look to him and wonder - why not me?

 Envy is destructive because it tries to compare two things which are equal yet different. you can't compare two classic stories  (unless you are in an A level English Exam of course! ) how can you begin to compare the Lion the witch and the wardrobe with the Hobbit? or Harry potter with the lord of the rings? they are different stories entirely. the writing sytyle is different but they have different focuses, different messages.

Envy also is a cherry picking process. when you look with envy you are selective, and you fail to see the complete picture. In the Voyage of the Dawn treader Lucy finds a spell which would make her into Susan the beautiful sister she greatly wishes she would be more like. In a dream she gets to see what it would be like - a world without her. there was no narnia, to them- for it was her curiosity and hiding place in the lion, witch and wardrobe which brought the siblings into the Narnian world. They too would then not be eligible for the prophecy either ' two sons of Adam and two daughters of eve.' without her the pevensy children would have missed out on the adventure they were created for.

I think for many of us we forget the impact we have, envy looks at what could have been but forgets what was. There are a great many people in the world today who are thankful for the fact I did not meet 'my husband' in 2012. There were words that only I could say and messages only I could preach, there was a value I brought to things that another person would not have done. God opened doors for people because I gave them a key for him to use with them. equally for my friends that is true too. there are things that only they could do because they are married, or engaged. there is an impact that wouldn't have happened without their story being just so. Bilbo might have wished at the start that gandalf had never chosen him, but as he looks back later he is thankful for it.

Envy is a glossy picture of a fake life which we copy and paste things, but envy ultimately destroys the beauty of what is. the grass is not greener on your neighbours lawn - it might just be AstroTurf or the fact that the shadow of the house falls on your lawn.  As for me, I am thankful for the story I am in, because it is right for me. I have followed my Lord. I am on the narrow way but the view is breathtaking. I have to keep choosing to believe God is faithful, he is good and he is everything and that no matter what it looks like - the story he is writing for me is the best.

Old photographs and expectations

I was running through my computer looking for something when I came across some old photos. Some tell stories I would rather remember and others tell stories I would rather forget. As a teenager I was obsessed with selfies before they were even called that.

Winning a dance competition at university

A bad wig.

Photographs give you a snapshot and a moment. Alongside this some people I went to school with are organising a school reunion. Also I am at a stage in life where I am still deciding what to focus on aside from God the obvious answer whilst I am praying through the next season I am working in a shop. I like retail work and everyone is really friendly and lovely. Whilst I evaluate what God has for me next I am loving the people in front of me which in retail is really straight forward to do.

It has made me think about the last 10 or so years since I was a teenager and everything that has happened since I passed my GCSEs and there was prom ( see picture) and everything changed. I have found Jesus and given my life to him. I have preached on three continents and once on TV. I have seen more in my life than most people will ever see and I am not even 30 yet. I have loved and I have lost, I have made huge mistakes and I have changed people's lives for the better. I know more than I did then about almost everything except perhaps MSN and My space!
I suppose in many ways my life now is not what I imagined it would be. I am not married I don't even have a career well not in the conventional sense in fact I have turned down more career opportunities than I have taken. Doors that have shut of their own accord or because they weren't right or because God had something better.

Yes they say a picture says a thousand words but it also hides some.
Take this picture of me at university in my halls first year ( right) this smile hides the fact by this point I had attempted suicide many times and I was up to my eyeballs on anti depressants and barely eating anything. That I was in an abusive and destructive relationship desperate for love and connection. I was convinced they would realise I was a fraud and a fake who got into university by dumb luck and had a learning difficulty which no one understood I barely did at the time. But of course you don't see that do you not in that smile. I am no longer in that position. For that I am thankful. I wasn't a Christian in this photo I didn't truly understand what it meant to be a daughter of God. I was trying to stay afloat in a world which was trying to drown me. That picture in the prom dress came after I lost a lot of family and friends that year through death. Two grandparents in one weekend. Another close relative on the day of my geography and maths exams. Knowing that taints the picture right The smile goes from natural to fake in your mind.

It made me wonder of all the people I have as friends on social media of all the people I meet how many are dressing the windows so no one will look too closely inside the house. Most people I look at the pictures on Facebook and I buy it. Between the proposals and baby announcements, moving into a new house and new jobs the shared posts and the weird thoughts It made me realise that maybe a picture does say a thousand words but it doesn't mean those words are the truth. Joy is a choice. Love is a choice. Contentment is a choice. I have long used words as a barrier as a shield. I learned a long time ago if you say a lot and share a lot of yourself people won't ask difficult questions, people will think you are an open book when really the things you keep close to your chest are the things that would be shocking, would be enough to shake them and change their perception of you.

I suppose that I can only say this that God loves the journey. God loves us where we are at and he loves to grow us. He isn't in for short spurts but the long haul. I am a better person than the one who left school I am not that depressed barely alive girl any more. I have changed. I have grown in character and in love. If I could have chosen the route perhaps this wouldn't have been the way I would have chosen but the process that has made me who I am and who knows maybe when I look at more recent pictures like this one (left) taken this summer. I will be able to say that I am glad I have grown and that I know who I am now, that I love everything that God has taught me and that I trust his road. Who knows what 2016 will bring and who knows what I will learn but I am in it for the journey wherever God may lead me.

Why celebrate the Fifth of November?

Remember, remember the fifth of November: gunpowder treason and plot....

So all commercial hell ( if you take some people's view quite literally) breaks out over Halloween its ghoulish spooky and dark supposedly the celebration of a pagan festival marking the end of summer and then five days later there is 'fireworks night' a night when we light fireworks and look at them because well someone tried to blow up the houses of parliament in 1605. To be honest if the spy master ( think head of MI5) of James' the first: Robert Cecil's report of a great quantity of Gunpowder is anything to go by the intent was to blow up more than just the houses of parliament.

In true English tradition we burn an effigy of the guy who tried to burn our king and use the very thing that he intended to use to harm our beloved ( except by Corbinites and the left) Monarchy and institution of government with to celebrate the fact he didn't. It would be like celebrating a failed drive by with shooting the air. I kind of love it. It's sort of poetic and ironic and distinctively British. Yet every year people go all out for Halloween which is essentially celebrating darkness and barely nod to something which defined our history.

This year I was in America for the beginning of July and saw them celebrate their nations independence from ours. It was weird for me watching fireworks on a warm summer evening. One of my politically and historically minded friends asked me this question.
' do you have any days to celebrate your nationhood or independence.'
' not really - I wouldn't count St. George's day really or any of the national saints. Truly we only really have the fifth of November?"

Of course he had no idea what the fifth of November was about and aside from the whole Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the houses of parliament most people don't.

Lets go back to the Sixteenth century and everyone's favourite monarchical family The Tudors. Henry VIII broke away from the church of Rome what we call the Catholic church. so various historians have differing opinions to the extent protestantism took hold in England even up to 1603 but the truth is that the state religion changed three times between Henry's act of reformation in 1533 and Elizabeth I's death in 1603 whiplash-ing between the old Catholic religion and control from Rome by the pope and the newly established Church of England which caused England a great many problems including rebellions, usurpers and wannabe usurpers and the battle with the Spanish Armada  . James succeeded his mother's cousin as king of England ( which united England and Scotland - yes their king came to us so they shouldn't go on about not having a say in the union because their king came to rule over England (and Wales). don't get me started on that can of worms.). James had a problem, Elizabeth had carefully balanced the church with many burnings at the stake of Catholics and forced outward conformity the problem of religious freedom and the lack thereof was a problem to the nobles. In 1604 he held a conference at Hampton court palace to try to resolve the issues of religion  the conclusion reached was not well a good compromise to anyone the only good thing that really came out of that conference was the commission of the King James Bible.

So we had a lot of annoyed nobles; the puritans began to make moves towards the new world believing that there would be refuge there. The Catholics did something rather different. Most of the catholic nobles got together under a man named Thomas Percy. They planned to blow up the protestant king; his parliament the protestant nobility and of course the protestant bishops the very people who had come up with such a protestant 'compromise' on the fifth of November 1605 they hired a Dutch explosives expert in by the name of Guindo (guy) Fawkes and put a load of gunpowder in a basement under the place of the country's power. They were found out and arrested and executed ( they even had a group portrait done. so it was really easy to do).

In one sense why should we celebrate something that is long over and long gone. There were plenty of other times in history when things didn't go as planned and we as a nation prevailed  the old pretender's attempt to  regain the throne in the early 1700s, The Spanish Armarda's defeat even our triumph in the battle of Britain in the 1940s.

Why does it matter that Guy fawkes was caught red handed in the basement with the gunpowder? Why celebrate the fifth of  November? I am Brittish I love our union I love that we are one country in our isles. If guy had succeeded in 1605  it is not likely the union would have survived as the Catholics would have assumed power and the young Charles would in all likelihood just taken the Scottish throne not both. So the prevention of the plot protected what was a very young and unstable beginnings of a British union which wouldn't be in law for another 100 years (1707) but still if the plot had worked there would have been no Great Britain and no UK. If the plot had succeeded and the king and all the bishops had died the work on the King James Bible probably wouldn't have been completed and whilst there were English translations at the time namely Tyndale's translation. The KJV Bible was much better researched and written and whilst scholarship on translation and understanding of the original cultures, meaning and language has moved on and advanced and of course the English language was standardised in the eighteenth century so there are better modern translations, the KJV was the definitive bible translation in English for centuries and where people have a bible in their own language available they flourish and learn more of God.

After the gunpowder plot and the execution of the plotters there were almost no further attempts to Re- catholocise the country. Of course the male Stuart monarchs liked to dabble with it but that was it Britain (the big island) and her church ( the people) was truly protestant. It marked a moment of triumph for those who ruled our nations ( we are four nations and one country.). If we think about what made this country the Britian we know today it is the protestant church ( Sorry atheists and other faiths but it is.) the moral and social structures we enjoy are underpinned by the heritage we have in the Anglican church. It is our monarchy and our values like that we don't tolerate terrorism and our uniqueness as a nation being different from Europe. I believe all those things come from and were a direct result of the fact that Guy Fawkes failed in 1605.

Treason is never good, the Americans celebrate the success of their act of treason and we celebrate the foiling of one. Quite poetic.  What Percy and Guy Fawkes tried to do in that basement in 1605 would have ripped apart anything unique and beautiful about England especially. It would have changed the course of history drastically. I celebrate the fifth of November because it is evidence to me of God's providential plan in our history. When we see those fireworks we are celebrating our heritage and that it wasn't taken from us by terrorism. To me that is a reason to celebrate.

The book that will change your life, your heart and your nation

I grew up in a Christian home whatever that means, our family Bible sat in the hallway bookshelf to be dusted off for crossword puzzles and when mum would read at church. I got my own copy for school aged 11 and it was like any other text book just sitting in my bag or my locker. Then there was the one I got when made my confirmation from my mother's God mother which I preceded to cover in stickers and took with me to Sunday night bible study but never would open otherwise. When Grandma died the family one arrived all 20lb of it to go in the lounge under one of the chairs. My brother had a cool youth bible, and later there was the message which one of the cool kids in our bible study had. I never valued this book that would be put out on every other chair every Sunday morning in church and would be good for 2 across 'who was the fifth king of Israel'.

Like many of my peers I fell away and ended up at university not really sure where this God I had loved once was but I knew that he didn't care about my life. Of course he did care he knew he drew me back and I found myself in the Christian union and at a church where I was alone. I had 20 essential books that I had brought with me one of which I had read almost every night since I was child by that point. Ballet shoes by Noel Streatfield. I valued books I looked after my books but well not the Bible. Then I met a girl at university- let's call her Rose* ( not her real name), and that changed everything. There are some Friends you have that change your life for better or worse and she was one of them.

Rose was a friend of mine at university she was serious about her faith and that intrigued me but what intrigued me more was that she was serious about the Bible. I couldn't understand it why would that book matter. It was only really read in church? right? but she lived by it, it mattered to her. We both had boyfriends at the time but she used the Bible with hers to set boundaries and I couldn't understand it. She cited the Bible as reason why all religions didn't lead to God. She never used the words biblical world view but she just seemed to have it. 

I bought a bible - a study bible. I was intrigued at how that one book not in my top twenty essential fiction books that needed to come with me to university.  I started going to 5 o clock personal bible study time. Then I began living with 4 other girls including my friend Rose I would argue with her that it was just a nice book of stories about Jesus and she would tell me it was more - so much more ' its the infallible word of God Allie.' she told me one day and that blew my mind what did God write it with his finger? She explained that it was inspired by God but written by people. Actually the fact that she based her opinions from this book not from what felt right was so challenging to me. Why did it matter what the book said when I know how I feel. 

Slowly I began to value it, it took years. I would go to the weekly bible study for students and still try and work out if it mattered to me, if this book with all its stuff really made a difference- if I could even do that. Then I ended up on my very first mission trip to Bosnia Herzegovnia and we studied Jonah and that book began to come alive to me and I saw God in a different way and I knew that I couldn't just sit through life and I had to make a decision to live God's way. One of the girls on the trip spoke about how reading the epistles was good so when I got home I began to read them starting in Romans all the way to Jude. 

I applied for Jobs but nothing so I made the choice sat in my bedroom that no matter what I would trust God with my life praying Proverbs 3:3-8 over my life. Which was then followed by a phone call  less than an hour later with an offer of an internship. Over the last 4 years I have been learning as much as I can about this book and my beautiful God. This Bible school came out of nowhere for me and I never thought I would be going to Africa to teach this book. I have learned how to read this book which is in its literary, historical and grammatical context and how it really matters, how God designed every sphere of life and how we are supposed to live. It paints a consistent picture of God and of us as his children, it has the power to change the world 

We took this biblical truth to the nations of Nigeria and Tanzania. Because the truth can bring change to hearts and heart change brings change to lives and life change brings change to communities and community change brings change to Nations. 

Only the dishonest fear the truth and the truth brings freedom for the captives and life abundant. Living Biblically is a challenge one we have to face every day. But what I learned from Rose is that it can also be challenging to people, and incite change. Last summer I felt the Lord prompt me to get baptised by immersion and who was there cheering me on - my friend and her husband. 

House rules.

How is tolerance tolerance if someone who opposes your view is met with hate? Tolerance cuts both ways. Who are you to judge what will or won't affect someone? Because if Love truly wins then it should cast out fear after all there is no fear in Love - true love but I find myself afraid to comment even though I know I should that not doing so is passive. The problem is I have had mixed feelings on this issue from the beginning and any time I get any kind of conviction I am challenged from all sides. The truth is that love is not about being right nor is it about forcing your opinions on others. Love is among many other things about consent - you cannot have true love without consent.

Love is about the truth and the truth is that God loves you for who you are whatever your baggage and stuff he longs desperately for relationship, he longs for you to turn to him and follow his ways. It is not up to me to judge if you don't live inside his Lordship - if you have no relationship with Jesus, know he wants you to but ultimately you don't live under his rules. If you live in relationship with him then well you should know that the law is not there to change your life but it is there to see what pleases God and brings him joy. After all the law is a sign that you are convicted by the truth of his love for you and that you have made him the lord of your life because those you love you want to please. If you give consent to his Lordship that is your choice.

Don't sear your conscience either way. Choose life, it is the truth that God made and designed people and he loves them beyond any earthly partner. There are good choices for spouses and bad choices even the atheists will tell you that, wise and unwise whichever sex the spouse. The truth is if you are under Christ's Lordship then he should get a say in that process. If you want to get married in a church in front of God then he should get a say in that process, what happens in his house should be according to His rules. They are not bigoted because he allows all opinions - he gave all free will after all to think what they want its just his house has rules. Some houses you take your shoes off and some you can't talk about Obama or the war or smoke or whatever. You come under the dominion of the owner you respect their rules whether trivial or otherwise. it is not loving to break their rules, its very rude so why would God be any different.

Is this a travesty for America? I don't know the answer I am not an American, I know many who say that the supreme court has no right to make that decision on the behalf of the states. I know that it is a travesty that some pastors will be forced to act against their convictions or face court proceedings. I know that it is a travesty that people are persecuting others in the supposed name of Love. It is a travesty that the people who are pointing fingers and accusing people of bigotry and intolerance are in fact being bigoted and intolerant by doing so.

Bigoted 

adjective

1. having or revealing an obstinate belief in the superiority of one's own opinions and a prejudiced intolerance of the opinions of others.

   
   

intolerant

adjective

not tolerant of views, beliefs, or behaviour that differ from one's own.

Take a look at yourself have you decided that your opinion is superior and are being intolerant of opinions of others even if you think their view as backward and outdated. The truth is if you honestly believe that truth is relative and that people can have whatever opinion they want then you should not throw stones at other people's opinions. I am not doing that, because that isn't loving I am not throwing any stones.. You can believe that you have every right to marry a horse... ah no you don't believe that do you.... or a child??? you definitely don't believe that child marriage is OK. So there are some things that are not OK? quite right there I too believe that neither of those things are OK. But perhaps it might not be therefore so far-fetched that someone might not define those boundaries the way you do. Where are you getting your definition from? the Law? well that has been changed many many times! people were marrying even before the bible was written. Many cultures define marriage differently even within the bible. However for me the definition of marriage comes from Jesus, so when or if I get married it will be in that context because I have made the commitment for God to be Lord of my life. For me marrying a woman would not be marriage because I am under that context of commitment to Christ as Lord. But if you haven't made that commitment, why should it matter because after all you are already grieving the heart of God from not accepting his love, not accepting his definition of marriage is probably way down on the list of things that hurt him.

For me the law change in my homeland ( 4 years ago) and here in the US perhaps makes little difference because the laws of both nations permit things that are contrary to the law of God, Abortion is one big one. All I know is that it is time for the Church not to point fingers and get all uppity but it is the time for the church to pray and to love like never before to show the heart of God to people where they are at not to throw stones and point fingers because the truth is the Laws of the land we live in are not the laws of the Bible.

The price tag on obedience.

Since the beginning of this year as many women in their twenties hear friends have announced starting relationships, engagement, buying a house and having babies. I am doing none of those things. This week it really hit me the cost of what I do not in terms of finances but in terms of what I have given up.

I am an erratic blogger the history column to the right will attest to that - aside from the fact I have two blogs this one and the one about my 'job' which when I am away takes priority. See I am a missionary. I have been in various ways all of my professional life. It is not a life I chose for myself but it is borne out of wilful obedience and many people question why? or at least I think they do because few verbalise the question. I often feel I have to justify it because it makes people uncomfortable because they perceive that I don't think they are as holy as me or that I feel holier than them. The truth is I am no more holy than any other Christian.

Honestly I don't feel very holy, I still sin everyday and fall short. Holiness comes from God anyway! It doesn't come from works. If you are doing the thing that God has asked you to do - we are doing the same holy thing. I choose obedience even if it costs everything because that is what Christ modelled. Obedience looks different wherever you are it has no definite outside. If it was up to me I would probably be in a 9-5 job somewhere engaged and looking at the housing market. But I gave up that right a long time ago - to let it be up to me.

I have talked about surrender many many times but it is so important because well it's the thing that God keeps leading me back to - pick up my cross and follow him. The truth is that we don't get to manipulate God and we don't get to have it all our way neither of those things are his character or his will.

The cost of obedience is everything: my reputation; the direction of my life; whether or not I get married and have children; the country I am in; who I meet and hang out with; the money I have and how I spend it; my security oh and of course being in relationship with my beautiful saviour feeling loved accepted and living the best version of my life.

We don't get to choose the path ahead of us we don't get to choose its cost but it's worth is everything. Who knows I might end up in five years living the 9-5 life  husband and all but somehow I doubt it, yes God gave me my desires but he also gave me the privilege of releasing them to him and letting him use my passions and skills the way he made me. Turns out many of the skills I've gained and used are transferable.

So where am I off to this time? Well I am off to America once more to train and go on a mission trip probably to Africa this time. I am hoping this will be the last school. I know it will be hard and I will have to learn more about the bible than I thought ever possible - I know I will be challenged and I will have to change my perspective on things. How do I know its God's voice telling me to do this - easy God often tells me to do something so outside my thinking pattern - something so left field it couldn't be myself.

Honestly I am just a girl who wants to do what her heavenly daddy says not because he is controlling but because he knows what is best for me. I want to be fully who I was made to be. I want to live a life of obedience because anything else would be a shadow of who I am. The truth is many people are passive and live in well when God tells me and everything is perfect I will go but the bible doesn't say that it just says GO. That is passive, passive is not who we are. If god is saying nothing then do the thing that burns your heart the thing that you are enjoying - make a plan and give it to him saying this is Plan A lord if it is not your plan then tell me otherwise. Don't be afraid to lay out a prayer fleece like Gideon. When I was praying through this step I said to the lord let the first American ( outside of whom I was travelling with)  I meet when we go to the next place be from that state. They were and their nearest city was the one I am going to.

I think it comes down to this; you can either choose to be obedient or comfortable and everyday with every choice you make you choose one or the other. I would rather choose obedient as he is the way the truth and the life. We are promised trouble and contentment not ease and comfort and that is the choice I make no matter the cost - so what if I am the last of all my friends to be married - if I even get married. So what if I am the only one without a mortgage by the time I am thirty so what if I am not a mother? That is their path and this is mine.

See the knife cuts both ways. My life may seem crazy and glamorous but it isn't neither is it super holy. The truth is mission is loving the person in front of you regardless of who they are. To me a stable job, happy marriage and a mortgage sounds awesome and glamorous but I know from my friends who live that - its hard. This is because life is Hard and we are to be content no matter the circumstances obedience and living a life of obedience is relative to everyone but it is always the right choice to make.

The first love

Valentines day. It is common for us single people to use valentines day as an excuse to wallow in the fact that it is another year we are still waiting for the husband or wife that is not here yet.

Yet singleness is a season of joy and delight and that is ours for the choosing. The last few days I have been sharing my testimony with people again especially the part about putting my hope in a relationship with a man and not God.
I was reminded of the concept of the first love. Not all loves in our lives are equal after all I love my parents more than I love chocolate brownies. The Greeks used many words for love. Philia which is the love of a things. Romantic  love which was Eros and agape which is unconditional love.

What is your first love? Which love is above and before, if it came to the crunch which love would you fight for and if you did which would you lay down your life for.  

This is how God showed his love among us he sent his one and only son into the world that we might live through him. This is love, not that we loved God but that he sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:9-10)

This is love giving up something precious for someone more precious. Giving the deepest desires of your heart to the only one who can fully fulfill them. Choosing him as your first love as he chose you then it is only right to choose him right back.

If you spend the single years longing to be married then you will miss the tender words of the only one who can fully quench your hearts thirst for love and acceptance.

Many people believe that being married will solve all their problems but that is not true. As hard as single life is so is married life too. Because it is life.  Is it fair to expect another person to solve your problems? Of course not that is not a mature response.

Maybe this season is for your first love the one who loves you on a level that is not human to do so. Perhaps he is growing and preparing you for something in a way he couldn't if you were married. He delights over you, he loves you more than anyone ever could.

The truth is that marriage is not eternal. Even the best marriages last 80 years or so at most. His love him as the husband of your soul.

In that day declares the lord you will call me " my husband". (Hosea 2:16)

He is our husband and we his bride. 

My heart just is his.  It is clear that we need to guard our hearts because they are the wellspring of our lives. That means taking thoughts and obsession with someone captive and choosing not to obsess in liking someone just keep surrendering the thoughts and feelings to the Lord. Guarding your heart is important.

Also the single season is awesome because you are less distracted by the romance of men. It is a season of joy and happiness and love you just have to choose it. Even if the call to marriage you can feel in your bones like a fire.

I will end with this thought what if we put the same energy praying for revival as we did thinking and praying for a husband  do you not think that we will bring the kingdom of heaven closer.