Je chante donc je suis...

I sing therefore I am.

 I have a beautiful voice. There is no getting round it, it's the one thing in the entire world I am not modest about. There are a couple of reasons for this; one is that when you practise something for as much as I did as a teenager you have to love your voice with all your heart the other is less practical I see my voice as a direct gift from God. Its not something you can buy your either born with a lovely voice or your not yes you can train it but its something that God gives as a gift; but you could say that about anything really. But mostly because it set me apart it was something that they couldn't pick on me for because it was and is beautiful.

When I was 18, I was utterly consumed by how good my voice was I loved it I would sing all the time. I would practise my songs, exercises and other such things for 30 hours a week or more as well as all my school work. I loved to sing it was what defined me what my whole life centred around. It was an Idol I suppose. when I went to university I guess my love for it fizzled a bit not because I didn't love to sing, I still do, but because it didn't set me apart and I couldn't practise as much because I was in Halls then in a house. What I mean is it didn't define me. I wasn't Allie the one with the beautiful voice because there were lots of people with beautiful voices and some were far better than mine. Uni politics for shows was brutal, you had to be as far as I could tell; pretty and slim with a good voice and amazing acting skills to get anywhere oh and of course you had to be friends with the director or producer that got you somewhere.

When my faith underwent a revival I noticed that in worship I was singing so people would say after the service what a beautiful voice I had not for God. I had brought my idol into his house, it took me a while to realise that. I felt lost because my one true gift of worship I had been misusing and I questioned every time I opened my mouth in worship; who I was worshipping God or my Ego?  This is why I took to signing, because I knew that if I was signing it was for God and him alone. No one would know if I was any good or not or what I was doing but I needed him to know that I was trying to worship him not myself.

At the moment I feel God has parked this gift. I sing at the weddings and Funerals I verger for and in the church choir. I hope that in the future he has something for me to use it for his glory but for now It sings the psalms quite happily and lord of the dance (I still don't quite get that as a wedding song). I know we have to use our gifts, but they have seasons. One thing I know is this (psalm 62:5) My salvation and Glory depend on God. I don't want my Voice to be the thing that sets me apart amongst people. I want my heart for Christ and the way I am growing to be more like him to be what makes me distinctive not how well I can sing.

 

The green eyed monster with auburn curls.

 I have always wanted curly hair -auburn curly hair. 

I mean really really wanted hair that would naturally curl in any way shape or form. curly hair has always fascinated me mostly because I have never had it. If I curl my hair with tongues my hair it lasts all of 15 minutes as in by the time you have curled one side the other would have dropped within the hour its pretty much straight again but lanky.  There is only one way I can get my hair to curl for more than about 5 minutes that is to twist it up wet with mousse and sleep in it.

It sounds really petty and stupid but I have always wanted auburn curly hair. I am not someone who puts much stock in my appearance I don't wear make up or anything like that  because i firmly believe if I am going to spend money on how i look it is better spent in moisturiser and cleanser than foundation. Also it says in the bible God took time over making us in his image and making us beautiful (psalm 139)    It kind of feels like if I dyed my hair or had it permed then I would be throwing it in his face. Some people might say its where our free will comes in and with that I agree, that if you want to style what god has given you then why not that is where i sit on my body but clearly each to their own.

When I curl my hair in the twisty way I look like miss 1987. It doesn't look good and I wonder why I did it because it is uncomfortable to sleep in and because it looks bad 2-5 hours later lanky kinks are the order of the day. So why do I do it? because I am envious of people with beautiful curls because I want to have curls like Taylor swift not like Dedire from Corrie and because we always want what we can't have and when we have it we aren't satisfied with it that is human nature

I read an atricle this week about how facebook perpetuates envy  which was linked on facebook by a friend of mine

why checking facebook makes us feel bad about ourselves

We are so easily envious in our society. I find it very difficult not to be envious of people who have what I want in life not just auburn curls but more serious things like people who are engaged or have children. I am envious each time it comes up in the top corner Jane bloggs just got engaged or Joe bloggs is in a relationship...  Gemma Smith was born with pictures from her parents one of whom who I knew vaguely at school or university.

Envy is not a fruit of the spirit. It is sinful, because it tells god that we don't like how he has blessed us and we want to perpetuate the kingdom of me. its the siren call of the world look what you are missing out on it doesn't see how God has blessed us. Just that he isn't doing in the way he is others. Thing is we can't control God just know he is soverign and that he loves us, gratitude trumps Envy every time...

The longest two letter word in the English language.

IF

I don't quite know how two letters can say so much. If is the longest two letter word in the english language because it changes everything.One word can create hope, fear, enlightenment, anxiety... every emotion in the english language can be created by this one word. 

Betsy ten boom said ' there are no ifs in God's kingdom.' 

but in this messy world can we really believe that? if we have free will surely there are so many ways life can go. But what actually happens that is up to us, but once something is done its done do we really believe is an alternative. God is all knowing all powerful but we do get choice. He just knows what we will choose.

We all do it though, get hung up on the alternative life plan. The one that never happened, the guy we never kissed the path not taken. Is If our way of saying that we are unhappy with our current circumstances or that we are so aware of the failiblity of our decisions.

I don't think there is a place for us to wallow in the might have been in the coulda woulda shoulda that life throws at us because it stops us from thinking of the now and living in the moment. we are not those people. We make the choices we make with what we know being who we are.  we have to live with our choices, whatever they are good or bad.

If you read too much sci fi and watch too much Fringe then the idea of a parallel universe is appealing the one where Hitler won the war or you took the train. but reality is what is here and now (for the benefit of Dotterelly et al) what you percieve is by definition your reality ( with or without unicorns).

So its time to give up IF to consign the coulda woulda shoulda to writers who write fiction, if has no place in our reality because it distracts us from the now.

Allie-G's

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a turtle named Hope and a self portrait.

I am back drawing again!

For best part of three weeks I just couldn't draw I have really been struggling. Often I see images when I read bible passages. that is what inspires me but the last few weeks I have consistently drawn a blank, almost literally. Its been a heavy going three weeks but finally we have some drawings. I am hoping the biblical imagery will follow!

 A Turtle Called Hope

So imagine my delight when I put pencil to paper and a turtle appears ( water colour pencils.) I don't know what made me draw a turtle but I did. I love drawing beaches. they are lovely I've learnt you leave a gap between the sand and the sea and it looks like the foam of the surf.

A self portrait.

My last attempt looked a lot like Rachel from friends, not really sure about this one - the glasses are wonky and it still doesn't look like me perhaps we are getting better- although I doubt it. I think its because I am no good at observational artwork, I can't copy I never have been able to, writing or  pictures I just can't do it. Still its drawing which excites me!

Art work and Gifts.

I thank God often for my imagination for the fact I can draw things and write stories. I love to be creative. I couldn't think of a time when I didn't enjoy it. we all have different talents. Mine is not for observational artwork but the joy in drawing. and who knows one day I might be able to draw something really brilliant. 

what-chya listening to.

Yesterday I realised I suck at evangelism, we are told to go out an make disciples and I ask God for opportunities but when they come along I just bottle it or sound like a weirdo and I am not- well not much. but I just can't bring myself to shove God at people. I don't think God is like that

So I am sitting on the bus last night to meet my friend for a chat and some chips - Girly night in. I'm sat on the back seat on the left hand side doing no harm to anyone listening to my music I have a mixture of secular music, Musicals and Christian music on my Mp3 player when this guy, well Lad, appears and asks if the middle seat is taken. Its empty and I don't know the people on the other side. so I quietly say no. I don't know why I attract weirdos but I do sometimes they are good sometimes not so much.

"what-chya listening to?" he asks.

I tell him Chris Tomlin or Matt Redman. I couldn't remember which wrote the song I was listening to.

" Never heard of them, can I have a listen?" he asks.

I explain to him that they are Christian singers and he probably wouldn't like them or the music.

He asks again so I offer him a pink ear bud.

"you're right" he says after 10 seconds " I don't like it."

he tells me he is going into town to the pub and then he asks me what I do so I tell him that I work for a church- kind of like a intern. He asks me if I want to be a priest which I laugh off. I explain that I don't know what I want to do.

" so why are you into all this God stuff then if you don't want to be a priest." here is the killer question. If I was a better Christian or an evangelist I would have said something more profound but I pitched for the truth " Jesus is my best friend I just want to serve him." nothing about the Cross nothing about anything more.

" do you believe God is your father?" he asked. I blanched.
"in a spiritual sense yes. Course I have an earthly dad but he is my spiritual one."

Then he told me his age and his name and got off the bus.

I kind of think that its going to be like this though. Little odd snippets of conversations, no one stands on the corner with a bible any more and those that do get funny looks and ostracise the church more ( in my opinion). Its not the done thing, I hope I intrigued him enough to find an Alpha course. But it will probably be forgotten after in a night in the pub. Maybe God is giving me practise or opportunity I don't know but what I do know is this real grass roots evangelism is messy and perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on myself. After all I came out of the conversation looking human not judgemental or worse superior perhaps that is not bad for a beginner....

The Great British Nomad

A Place to call Home. 

In the last 5 Years I have had  8 different Addresses and by the end of Today I will have moved 10 times. (The other two were moving back to my parents) To some people this might not be a big deal but for someone who until they were 19 had only had one address, and in many ways it never feeling like home, its still kind strange to be packing and moving again. 

There is this great thing I keep getting told about being in your twenties that you should write your address in Pencil. Moving this much doesn't bother me any more its part of my calling. To move, to experience a different environment to get settled one way and then have to adapt to change. Knowing that work is a 12 minute walk away and tommorow it will be a 30 minute walk away is something that you get used to and I am glad that life isn't stagnant. 

Everything in me wants to settle. Human nature makes us want to settle to find one place that we can call home and live there and not have to think about it. Addresses are written in marker pen. I guess we can get like that with our faith too. We get comfortable and cosy, we know what we can do and we resist change and challenge in our lives because they are not safe. I know I did. 

It took me about 6 times of writing my address in pencil to realise that its only an address its only the subheading of that chapter of your life. The address written on the bookplate is Beloved Adopted Daughter (Allie -----) C/o Heaven by invitation of Jesus Christ. My home address is there and it has been my whole life. I think the reason God has made me move so often is because he knows I couldn't get this otherwise, I have to know that all earthly addresses are transitory but my home is in him. 

This comes entirely from the practise of surrender. Surrender to him really does sound like we've given up because in the earthly meaning of the world it is cowardly its giving up on something because you don't have the will to fight it. I've realised over the last five years it brings total release, it is a daily and hourly choice but its worth it. Its courageous its choosing not to settle in the earthly to make the most of your circumstance and not be bothered about what is your current circumstance but where your home is.