Whilst I was at the Christian conference I was told to move to a team that I would not have chosen for myself and yet God met me in a profound way that I couldn't have even comprehended. I guess that the life that is chosen is the preserve of the sinful after all sin is saying No to God's plan and choosing your own way or method. I have no qualms about living this life unchosen the narrow path through trust and patience.
I have been thinking about the future a lot recently and also how I got to the place I have and what God has been teaching me along the way. I suppose that once you choose to surrender your life to Christ it means that is a path chosen but I don't think this is the life I would have chosen for myself. Walking in this wild goose chase could lead me anywhere. This year as a set text for the course I was on they chose James Bryan Smith's 'A good and beautiful God.' it really challenged me especially on the topic of spiritual discipline. So I bought the second book in the series A good and beautiful life. The first chapter it tells you to write a letter to god starting with the line ' the life I want most for myself is..." Which as much as I love the previous book and the chapter I am not sure is right. maybe I am being pernickity but surely it should be the life I hope most for myself is... however after much thought and deliberation I felt i should play by the rules of the book.
I feel I should share the letter I wrote. mostly because I want to challenge you and because it speaks of his faithfulness his choosing to deny me my desires for a greater design and purpose.
16th August 2014
Dear God ,The life I want most for myself is, one where I dance to your song and drumbeat. where I sing only the song of obedience to my king.
I want to laugh like it is going out of fashion and love consumingly. to sail by your spirit through the waters of this world.under the banner of your grace, love and freedom.
I could tell you all I desire to achieve and know it before I speak it but what once I considered as gain I now count as loss for the sake of your glory. You require this sacrifice of praise and a contrite heart with open hands.
You lord have ruined me for the ordinary where once I desired a simple life with a steady job you've bestowed a nomadic adventure. I desired comfort and you required faith yet gave me a peace in the places that comfort couldn't quench. I wanted normal but you chose extravagance for me. I desired world riches but you gave me people to serve and invest in and I have lacked for nothing.
I'd chosen Education to have qualifications, but you qualified me and taught me how to serve in a way that is teachable. I wanted to win and be the top and you gave me victory over strongholds and taught me humility. I desired to be a woman of many impressive gifts and talents, but you gave me of yourself extravagant gifts that were meant to bless others. I yearned to be selected to be above but you chose and purposed me before my heart beat. I desired to be confident but in you I have all confidence.
I desired to be married, romanced by a man a Romeo of lovely words and devoted love whom I could give the whole of my heart to but you restored my image of marriage as a covenant partnership by wedding me to your heart before I was born. Choosing sacrificial love for me and dying so that I may be yours. You required my heart in its entirety to love and to be broken for injustice. for unless you have both the earthly bride and the groom's hearts how can we run the race together towards you. You showed me that it was not enough to love each other but to be wholly in love with you that mattered. So I choose to wait for a man who is wholly and recklessly abandoned to loving you and following you no matter the cost and no matter the route.
I desired for a family and you have given me communities. I desired to be loved and you defined and displayed it to me and asked me to love where the world had neglected.
I wanted it all now and you showed me how to be patient. I wanted to see revival in our nation instead you began in my heart.
My life has not conformed to my desires and maybe some days I cling onto my broken bucket list and shattered dreams and wave them at you with one hand and cling to you with the other. but the truth is I would never swap my character for my way, nor would I swap my pride for confidence in you. I'd no even swap assured security for trust because the truth is I chose you over my desires your way over mine. Whatever that means and wherever it takes me - no plan B, no opt out through hardship and joy. I'm on this wild goose chase adventure and that is all I want for my life and myself.
Your Allie.
No comments:
Post a Comment