People around the Baby King 1: Shepherds on the hillside

Every year I try ( and some I fail) to give some christmas thoughts on this blog.
 This year I was struck by people who came to visit Jesus - the first people to witness the Christ child. His birth was well foretold, His birth  was the pinnacle and high point of human history. But I know as well as you do there are few co- incidences in the Bible. Each of the gospel writers recorded what they deemed the most important aspects of Jesus life and death. All were of course inspired and breathed by the Holy Spirit and each had a different primary audience but only two of them focus on the circumstances and events surrounding Jesus birth  Matthew the one written for a Jewish Audience and Luke the one written by a Greek man for a non Jewish audience. Both record different visitors to the Holy birth.

Considering just how important God's son was and that this was God putting on a tent of flesh and  ' tabernacled' amongst us ( John 1:14 ) the people whom visit him at his birth are an odd bunch aside from his parents who are obviously there, one of the first visitors as recorded in Luke's Gospel are the shepherds. I often think it is strange that Luke is the one to record the shepherds and Matthew the wise men because the latter are gentiles and the shepherds are Jewish.

The account of the shepherds visiting the manger is found in Luke 2:8-18. They come because of an encounter with the Angels on their hillside. Of all the professions that could have visited Jesus it is the shepherds that do. Of course we know that Jesus is the lamb of God there is a parallel to the exodus story here that he is good shepherd of course. But I think there is another more powerful parallel, going on, so Jesus was born in Bethlehem because he was in the lineage and the house of David ( Luke 2:4). So if your Old testament history is not fresh David was a shepherd boy from the rural town of Bethlehem he was the youngest in his family and it was his job to go out on the hillside and  look after his family's sheep. it is possible some scholars think that David was illegitimate or had a different mother to his brothers  because at Jesse's first time of asking he doesn't produce him. ( 1 Samuel 16 :11)  he just says ' there is yet the youngest but he is out with the sheep'

 Shepherding was in David's time the least desirable job. It was in the field as a shepherd where David was anointed King of Israel probably in the very fields that these angels came and sang.  David however looked to the Lord as his shepherd.  The Angels tell these shepherds the descendants of David that they are going to find a baby in a place where no baby would normally be, and that this baby was the Christ.God promised David that in his line would be a kingdom and the messiah. In 2 Samuel 7 David is given a covenant but a part of the davidic covenant God tells him that as the Judges ( in the previous 400 years or so - including Samson and Gideon) had shepherded the people 2 Sam 7:7  and in verse 8 he talks about David's role as shepherd and how he had  taken him from shepherding sheep to people as prince and that from his line would come an eternal kingdom.

The shepherds coming to the birth of Jesus are no accident. the Angels didn't just appear to the nearest people. they appeared to those who walked in the footsteps of King David to show them a greater king, a greater shepherd, a greater Judge, a greater David this one baby a saviour an anointed King.

Sheep were a fundamental part of the sacrificial system in Israel. in case your Leviticus is a little rusty ( or you got bored half way through the first chapter.) God gave the Israelites the sacrificial system as a way to make themselves right with him without themselves dying - it was supposed to convict them of the cost of sin. We know now that it was a foreshadowing of Christ. Sheep were clean animals and could be sacrificed for atonement  for sin or any offering except a grain offering. There were levels of offering  based on income and a sheep was  the top level. Of course there is the parallel to Exodus where God took the blood of the lamb as a payment instead of the first born child.

Interestingly they did not leave Jesus a Sheep/ lamb contrary to many a christmas carol. If they had it is likely that when he was presented at the temple according to Jewish custom at 33 days it would have been their offering ( not to be confused with the 8 days circumcision) a sin and a burnt offering are made. ( Leviticus 12:6-8) Jesus Mother offers 2 turtle doves or pigeons the poor man's alternative ( Luke 2:24), which means that the lamb of God the one who took all our sins away never had a lamb sacrificed for him. The only gift they left the child was the prophecy of the Angels ( Luke 2:17-20) and from verse 19 my guess it is Mary recounting this to Luke after the Resurrection.

In all it is fitting that the Shepherds came to visit the king born in a Manger. but I do wonder that if those same shepherd boys thirty years later are as convicted by the resurrection as they were on that hillside.  

A Shout out to my X...

So on children in need tonight I heard this song ( explicit content at the beginning) for the first time. Little Mix - a shout out to my ex.This band is really popular with pre teens and young teenagers here in the UK. its about a break up as a lot of songs are. the lyrics just hit me straight in the heart 'Took four long years to call it quits.' which made me sit up and listen the chorus too hit me

"Shout out to my ex, 'you're really quite the man' 

You made my heart break and that made me who I am

 Here's to my ex, hey, look at me now 

Well, I'm, I'm all the way up I swear you'll never, you'll never bring me down"

And I related to it I thought ' yeah my heartbreak changed me - it made me so much stronger'. then the still small voice spoke and said - ' no I did that, don't give him that power' so I listened to the song a few more times - its flipping catchy.

Thing was my heart was long broken before I started dating my Ex, arguably before I met him. He only compounded an issue that was there already. I was so interested in being loved I looked for it in every place I could find - especially boys. I had this broken thinking inside me that if I could just be chosen - I could just be enough for someone then well I would be worth something. It is not true. When the person you fall for just happens to be as broken as you are and has his own set of issues which play out in domination, control and abuse. ( he may or may not have worked on these since we broke up.I don't know.) it doesn't help.

Some people think that you have to be dumped to have your heart broken, that is not true. Mine was shattered long before I ever told him it was over. Sometimes when something destructive is eating at your heart, or someone destructive breaking: off that parasite, is actually the most healthy thing you can do. Heart break is necessary for healing to begin. The truth is that God healed my heart, It was not the heart break that made me stronger - it was giving God my heart and praying the most dangerous prayer in existence. 'Lord heal my heart whatever it takes.'.

I was trying to fill a God shaped part of me with something other than God. It was meeting with God and having a life changing encounter with him, that gave me the courage to leave my ex. Now God has my heart, he is filling those places where I needed him to - I feel loved now in ways I can't imagine. I don't need a boyfriend to feel worthy of love.

We give power to what we believe if that girl who wrote the song believes he formed her in the heartbreak she is wrong. Do you know what he absolutely doesn't have that power - to heal my broken heart - even in the getting over it - the grief the emotions don't have the power to heal your heart. only God has that power. I have learned so much in the years since and none of that is to do with anyone other than God and who God has placed in my life I worry that the kids who listen to songs like this will think that Heart break is a necessary part of forming yourself. it isn't, this survivor mentality is not mental strength or any kind of strength - there is a bitterness to the song, an edge that you know she isn't over him, not really. I am over my ex, took me a very long time, but I wish him well - despite what I went through - despite his issues. despite everything. I wish him all the best- he is forgiven for any hurt he caused me, I pray for him when I think of him so I don't dwell in that place because the enemy likes to take me there. I pray that God heals his heart too the bits of it broken long before he met me. He was not a bad person - just a broken one - as we all are. I couldn't heal him any more than he couldn't heal me, we were not good for each other and we could not have healed in the same relationship.

I know I loved him, but loving someone sometimes means stepping away if you are not helping them. sometimes the most loving thing you can do in your relationship is call time on it. ( Marriages are different in scripture I should point out - BUT you shouldn't stay with an abuser under any circumstances, married or not ). and if you are reading this the man I once hoped would be my 'future husband' know this I don't blame you, as far as I am concerned you are forgiven - yet it is still completely over I have moved on, I hope for your next girlfriend and your actual future wife that you take the time to work on the stuff in your heart - the broken stuff from way back because that will be a greater blessing to your marriage than being able to say you married the first person you ever kissed or something like that.

No grey pawns.

During his sermon this week our pastor posed this question.

Why do people who don't love God want to go to heaven?

 It actually makes no sense when you think about it. Seriously why would people want to go to a place where God was celebrated and worshiped 24 7 if they don't know him or even like him? seriously it is messed up. Have you thought about it - I mean really thought about it .Heaven is where the fullness of God's presence dwells, where you get to walk with him and know fully his love and glory. How could it be anything else. It is God's place. its not a reward for good people its God's house and it is a constant party - God celebrating the love of his kids and his kids celebrating the love of God. We get to live with him and enjoy his presence forever. To me someone who lives and walks and loves God that sounds like paradise. That is the reality of heaven - its home.

I think there are two reasons, the first is that they don't really have a right picture of heaven. and second is that they have eternity in their hearts ( Eccles 3:15). Humans have three purposes and they are not equally important. First you are to be loved by God and to love him. second you are to love other people and third you are to love yourself. Self help books tend to dwell on the latter and that is why they don't work because one and two eclipse three. they are only truly giving you a third of your purpose.

You were made to know and love God - and be loved by him. In short you were made for heaven, the real heaven that was in paragraph 1 the one the Bible describes. That is why you want to go there - it was where you were designed for - your heart knows what your head has rejected - heaven is home. if you are trying to convince yourself that your deeds will be weighed good and bad, you are right but by whose standard who defines good and bad. It says all will be judged but it wasn't mother Theresa who set the bar - it was Jesus. The one and only perfect human being that has ever walked this earth. Fully God and fully man. If your good deeds pale to Mother Theresa you are not even a flicker compared to Jesus floodlight. By yourself you just are not getting there. So what then it is a party for two? does anyone get there? yes. here is the thing, Jesus is God's son and he is the only way to the father and heaven. By yourself you haven't got it, you are just not good enough. In our world where we are constantly told we are good enough that is a hard one - you need a saviour you can't get there alone. However God loves you regardless and he has made a way for you. That way is Jesus, he invited you on a cross. Ok that bit might not make sense. But Jesus died so you would get to be his friend. he died so, death, the thing that keeps us from God would be defeated. so you are probably saying well I didn't die yet. - good observation skills but have you noticed how bad things cause death, death of a dream, death of a relationship. God is fully and wholly Good and he sees and knows all things, we all do things that hurt ourselves or others, that is being human. God hates us hurting ourselves and others and it wounds his heart when we do things that prevent us from experiencing the fullness of life. Unfortunately the law has condemned you and you have a by the book accuser pointing this out to God.

Therefore because we are not fully good and we have someone pointing that out at every minute we need Jesus to be our advocate we need to come to him and ask for forgiveness and believe that his love and death is strong enough to wipe it away. its like I said heaven is a party but you only get in as Jesus plus one as he is the only one who is VIP enough to make it by himself - without letting him into your life you aren't getting on the list. Sorry, is a family party and if you don't want to count yourself as family you have opted out. because when we accept Jesus - confessing that we can't get there alone. That we are sorry for the ways we have been destructive towards him, asking forgiveness and receiving it which is saying we want to be adopted into the family. God is offering adoption and love and acceptance to all who choose his way. This is the gospel. This is the good news of God, if we turn around ( repent means literally turn around) away from the world which offers us little and towards the heart of a loving God he will forgive us and adopt us into his family.

Also God isn't going to force you to heaven, either - even if you could some how be good enough. There was a dude who was an angel - they are like the  God's crew if you like, his messengers. He was made for heaven  too and literally it was all he had ever known but opted out and took a third of the others with him remember that accuser - well that is his backstory. This is why universalism ( the belief that magically everyone goes to heaven) is a lie. It is not painting a true picture of God. God offers consent. God loves you - he wants you there but not against your will he wants you to choose it love without consent is not love for to love is to give consent. No loving God would force himself upon you. It is a free gift of God his love his grace and his forgiveness. if you think you don't qualify for the forgiveness of God because your bad is too bad. There is this dude in the bible named Saul, he went around killing God's people in the years after Jesus death - yup he was actually a mass murderer. He came to God and God forgave him and God used him to write like half the New testament ( about a fifth of the bible!) and to grow the church in Europe seriously! don't let fear disqualify you. You have a choice - there is love and forgiveness at the cross. you have to lay your life down there and choose God's way . Its a free gift yet paradoxically it costs everything but it is the most worthwhile pursuit you will ever make.

As a side note  if you want to take this offer up you don't need any ' special power or religious status' Just speak to God yourself  probably best in a place you won't be disturbed and Just say to him in your own words that you are so sorry for all the ways you have hurt him and then say to Jesus that you want him to be your Saviour, king and friend. that  accept his offer of forgiveness and invite him into you life - that you want to learn what it means to be his child. God knows you - he has known you your whole life. Be real, voice your concerns and fears and don't hold anything back from him, just be you. don't promise you wont do it again - because we all do ( you can go back and say sorry again - that is allowed!) God loves you as you are - don't worry about the labels you ascribe to yourself or others ascribe to you. God loves the very kernel and core of you, he wants the whole lot- however broken, whatever that looks like, he loves you anyway.
If you want to get started you can read up on him for free, this is a great place to start a book called Mark's Gospel  in a translation called the message (click here). With the Bible it is a good rule of thumb to start with the books which have recognisable names Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Romans, James, peter, Ruth , Esther.  Its not that the others are bad its just they were written a long time ago and take a lot more understanding and studying to really get what they are about. if you start from the beginning you will give up in Leviticus - the third book because it is a law book and will make little sense unless you have a bit more background and understanding of what is going on at the time. Bible means library - so you don't have to read it in order. speak to a christian friend or find a church, get to know your new family. ( remember we all need Jesus - none of us are good enough alone including those who go to church. unfortunately you don't get to pick your family.)

So maybe you are thinking meh, this is not for me. That is your choice but I will just let you know the consequences - not that I am trying to scare you I just want you to be informed so you know.  People talk about hell  you feel bad about it - it makes your skin crawl. Why? because your heart knows what kind of place it is and it makes many people decide that they are just going to make up something that suits them and call it heaven. This fake heaven is not true ( people call it Nirvana, Elysium there have been many throughout the years) Truth is reality as it really is. There is no subjectivity in truth. Its either true or its not. full stop. Making up some magical place that you are going to go to when you die that you somehow magically qualify for or deciding there is just darkness and nothing is a nice fantasy- but it is just that a fantasy.  There is darkness where you go but it is no fairytale or oblivion- oblivion is a fairytale compared to hell.

The tale of hell begins with that angel who decided he was going to leave God. Back then he was called Lucifer he decided that as he showed the beauty and glory of God he should get the credit. he opted out of God's love and protection and decided to go it alone and his mates picked him, he was a popular guy the thing is God is goodness and to be outside of God's goodness - to choose to be away from God is dark, evil and horrible it is to live without any goodness. So God loves people right. He had these two people at the beginning whom he loved so much. there was a special garden and well Lucifer - who decided to go by Satan now was pissed and jealous. He wanted to get to God - but you can't get at God - he was far too clever to go for a direct hit. so instead of Going for the jugular of God - as he knew God could destroy him in one pinch. so rather than God for God he decided to go for people. so he sneaked into the Garden and he deceived the people God had made and loved. then he accused them. when they fell for his trick he told God basically they were his now. he knew God loved them as children and he wanted them to experience the misery he knew. as the people multiplied he used different ways to claim them for his own. Murder, pretending to be a fake God to make them worship him and sacrifice their children to him. Satan was and is trying to establish a kingdom. This is the kingdom of darkness and it is directly opposed to the kingdom of God and light.

The thing you have to understand about Satan is he is a sadist. he loves to watch the people God loves get hurt and be in pain. You say that why would a loving God allow suffering I think it is because he allows us the choice of himself. Satan has wormed or slithered his way into the world and knows that the best way to get at God is to hurt his children. Whilst there are people choosing the kingdom of darkness there will be suffering and evil in the world, you have the choice. I am not saying that if you love god you don't get suffering because that is a lie. I said whilst people ( anyone ) still picks darkness bad things will happen. Selfishness caused global warming - and that causes natural disaster. It is a lie to think you have no choice over your actions, on the whole you do have a choice. God's kingdom is the good and light and they have been in a war for MILLENNIA! but you get to pick your side and you can't be neutral - not picking automatically puts you on Satan's side. There are no grey pawns. you can't be both you are either for God or against Him. I am not saying anyone is a pawn I am saying that even amongst the least significant of people ( by any definition)  there is no middle ground, none!

So no middle ground. so we know if you pick the light you get to be with God forever in his family party celebrating his glory. but what if you pick the darkness, or you don't opt in - which means you by default pick the darkness. Well it says there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Satan does not care about you personally, to him you are a pawn, you are a means of getting to God - to God you are a son or daughter ( or at least he wants you to be) to God you have a name, you matter. Satan is a sadist he gets off on others pain, I am not talking fifty shades of Grey I am talking full on medieval dungeon torture chamber for eternity. he doesn't care what you think, he doesn't care who you think you are - although he likes to make you think you are really important and matter more than other people so you will cause misery to others. No one needs a name in hell - for all who are there exist to glorify a sadistic maniac who doesn't care about them. I am not telling you about Hell to scare you in to a relationship with God I am just giving you laid out your full choice all its consequences. That is the choice. one side or another because there are no grey pawns. just in case you wondered how wrong a grey pawn looks -here is a picture.

Why you shouldn't play the Christian card.

"will you be at Church on Sunday?" a friend and fellow church member asked me today as I was nearly finishing my shift at work. he had come in for something that we sell in the shop I work in and couldn't find it so asked me.

I shook my head, no I wouldn't be at church. I have had retail jobs before and whilst I worked for a church I always worked Sundays. If Church starts at 11 I have to be at work for 1 and between the 30 min walk and getting dinner it wasn't going to happen.

"you do know by law you don't have to work Sundays, you can say no." He told me.

I knew that and I had used that before. When I worked in Cheltenham I was working in a shop part time and for a church part time therefore I had to have Sundays off to do ministry. So I knew that, you could play the Christian card.

But how would it help to do so especially amongst my colleagues. We are lucky in this country there are a few remnants of privilege left for Christians and the right to opt out of Sundays is one of them because the state is Christian after all. ( We have an established state religion.)

Choosing to work Sundays was a carefully considered response. I thought about Jesus and what he said about privilege and about the Sabbath.

Was the Sabbath made for man or man for the Sabbath? Mark 2:27

Whoever wants to be greatest amongst you must be the lowest slave of all. Matthew 20:26-27

There is nothing in the gospels about the privileges of being a Christian nor in the whole of the new testament because Christians weren't privileged then. I think we are so used to living a privileged Christian life that we forget that the church started out persecuted I have seen a persecuted church and believe me those people are on fire for Jesus. The only instance we see about privilege is St. Paul's use of his Roman citizenship and of course Jesus being the son of God laid aside his majesty to be our saviour.but let's just stick to St. Paul as he is an ordinary bloke.

Being a Roman citizen was a pretty big deal back then it was like saying you are royalty or aristocracy now it was really rare for people to be citizens. Paul doesn't use his citizenship unless there is no other way out or past something. Being privileged and laying it down is powerful. choosing not to take advantage of privilege is eye catching to people and using privilege divides people.

My character is worth more than my pay packet. I try to work differently when I knock something over I admit it, where some of my colleagues might say it was a customer./Before April ( when the Living wage came in) we got time and half on Sundays but now we don't. So I let them be an act of worship, I pray who to bless with the money then I bless someone with it. Simple, it might be as money or in another way but God shows me who and I bless.

I do take a Sabbath don't get me wrong but mine is whatever day happens to be my day off and sometimes it is Sundays but others it is Monday or a Wednesday. When I worked for the Church I did that, why should it matter that I am now in a shop, is it any less God's work. After all Jesus took his Sabbath Friday night to Saturday night. So why does it matter if it is Sunday?

But if  I had played the Christian card would I have been any better off other than to put their backs up and make them think I thought myself better than working Sundays. No. When I work on Sundays I give God glory it is a quiet act of worship to him and I show my colleagues that I will not choose privilege because that is not the kind of Christian I am. For most people I know - non christian - who work retail are not that big a fan of working Sundays for many reasons - usually because they too would like to be home with their families.

There is a time and a place to play the Christian card but to get a privilege and more than someone else is not it because that is not being a good witness or even a good person. Also if you honestly believe that shops shouldn't be open on Sundays - don't go to them on Sundays! there are 6 other days you can shop on. because if no one came in on a Sunday - it wouldn't be profitable and no one would have to work Sundays and the christian card wouldn't be an issue.

Why Envy is so destructive

For the last month or two I have been making a concerted effort to generally be more present. to not be constantly on my phone or facebook. I have done this for a great many reasons, but one was that I felt envy rear its ugly head.

So many people use Jealousy and envy interchangeably and the heart behind them is basically the same but outworking they are subtly different. Envy is a form of jealousy - it is being jealous of someone else's story. for someone like me who is not very materially orientated and loves stories, Envy is a sin which does tend to creep up on me.

This weekend I am going to be seeing people I haven't seen for a while. A School reunion, people who I kind of knew a long time ago. I know some will be married and some will have children and or both. I just know that. I am now in my mid twenties that is a thing which people do. Ten years on there will have been many stories and adventures.

I have done a great many things since I left school all those years ago... University, helping on a project to set up a school, singing in the Royal Albert hall, preaching on 3 continents and on national television in one country I went to. lived abroad for a year in lots of different places because of course I have been a missionary, I have had stuff published. a erratic blog( for which I apologise). I have written many books although all are yet to be published, my choice. I mean my 10 years haven't exactly been boring, not when you have been to dangerous places and seen God move in so many ways. His hand has really been on my life and for that I am thankful. I have had  many many offers of the mundane and the ordinary things which I have thus missed out on. Marriage, a 'serious' career, children etc. but that hasn't been what God asked of me.

I think I am going to be faced with the possibilities I declined, or even ones which were never truly opened to me. I am going to hear other people's stories, and I am afraid envy will creep in. ' oh you got married last year how lovely.' ' oh little jimmy is three now and suzie is five, how delightful'. ' oh you just got a mortgage - great'   ' you are CEO of some huge firm - that is great!' I think for many I will be genuinely happy for them don't get me wrong. but I know what I turned down for this wild wild goose chase that I am on. this God who broke into my life and has turned it upside down. All the roads not taken, all the money I didn't earn, the men I never looked twice at. the children yet unborn. When you leave school at 18 it kind of feels like all the world is at your feet that the possibilities of life are never ending. but then ten years or so later you see more of the world for what it is.

Envy is destructive, it is a comparison at its heart the fear that Eve had in the garden ' is God holding out on me?' is this forbidden fruit really an issue. Does God truly love me enough to give me the best? is what I have  now really his best? its tempting. I mean really to think like that. Especially on days when you see God answer the prayer that you have been asking for yourself for years and years to another. In  the spring 2012 I was newly single after the end of a difficult and abusive relationship. I was desperate for love and comfort. hating the loneliness but knowing that God had more for me than what I had left. So I prayed and prayed for a husband every night without fail. Earnestly seeking God to replace what he had taken, what he had asked me to relinquish so I could thrive. I know the latter part of that now, if I had married that man I would have never done half the things I have.

For six weeks  I prayed, fasted and solidly sought the lord for a husband crying out to him in my grief and anger. At the time I knew a lot of single people. people who I knew also were seeking the lord for spouses, in similar situations. I was just about to go away with the elderly in the church I was working for at the time the second week in June and about two days before we went I heard God clearly. He asked me to continue what I had been doing but not for myself but for those I knew in the same situation. To enter the throne room of God on their behalf not my own  I had to write a list. So I did. nine names were on it, today four years later I am the only one of those 10 people still single. most are married or will be before the end of this year. some have children. All are in serious relationships.Only one is not engaged but all the rest are engaged or married, except me. All Glory to Him for answering their prayers and mine, all glory to Him for his faithfulness in their lives.

It is hard to write that last line still waiting expectantly for him to move in my life in that area. I have often wondered in the years since if God is holding out on me. not because I haven't seen miracles in my life because I have - I really have. but because when you are faced with something like that it is hard not to Envy the hand of God on other's lives. there is undeniably something powerful when you pray for someone else what you have desired earnestly for yourself. Whenever I pray for someone, laying hands on them especially with the same medical condition I have they usually see a measure of healing. I know He is mighty to save. and even in my head I know that my waiting is not arbitrary. Protecting my heart from envy when I am faced with wedding photos and baby pictures is a battle. don't get me wrong I am so thankful for God answering those prayers I am so happy for my friends, ridiculously so but I look to him and wonder - why not me?

 Envy is destructive because it tries to compare two things which are equal yet different. you can't compare two classic stories  (unless you are in an A level English Exam of course! ) how can you begin to compare the Lion the witch and the wardrobe with the Hobbit? or Harry potter with the lord of the rings? they are different stories entirely. the writing sytyle is different but they have different focuses, different messages.

Envy also is a cherry picking process. when you look with envy you are selective, and you fail to see the complete picture. In the Voyage of the Dawn treader Lucy finds a spell which would make her into Susan the beautiful sister she greatly wishes she would be more like. In a dream she gets to see what it would be like - a world without her. there was no narnia, to them- for it was her curiosity and hiding place in the lion, witch and wardrobe which brought the siblings into the Narnian world. They too would then not be eligible for the prophecy either ' two sons of Adam and two daughters of eve.' without her the pevensy children would have missed out on the adventure they were created for.

I think for many of us we forget the impact we have, envy looks at what could have been but forgets what was. There are a great many people in the world today who are thankful for the fact I did not meet 'my husband' in 2012. There were words that only I could say and messages only I could preach, there was a value I brought to things that another person would not have done. God opened doors for people because I gave them a key for him to use with them. equally for my friends that is true too. there are things that only they could do because they are married, or engaged. there is an impact that wouldn't have happened without their story being just so. Bilbo might have wished at the start that gandalf had never chosen him, but as he looks back later he is thankful for it.

Envy is a glossy picture of a fake life which we copy and paste things, but envy ultimately destroys the beauty of what is. the grass is not greener on your neighbours lawn - it might just be AstroTurf or the fact that the shadow of the house falls on your lawn.  As for me, I am thankful for the story I am in, because it is right for me. I have followed my Lord. I am on the narrow way but the view is breathtaking. I have to keep choosing to believe God is faithful, he is good and he is everything and that no matter what it looks like - the story he is writing for me is the best.

Old photographs and expectations

I was running through my computer looking for something when I came across some old photos. Some tell stories I would rather remember and others tell stories I would rather forget. As a teenager I was obsessed with selfies before they were even called that.

Winning a dance competition at university

A bad wig.

Photographs give you a snapshot and a moment. Alongside this some people I went to school with are organising a school reunion. Also I am at a stage in life where I am still deciding what to focus on aside from God the obvious answer whilst I am praying through the next season I am working in a shop. I like retail work and everyone is really friendly and lovely. Whilst I evaluate what God has for me next I am loving the people in front of me which in retail is really straight forward to do.

It has made me think about the last 10 or so years since I was a teenager and everything that has happened since I passed my GCSEs and there was prom ( see picture) and everything changed. I have found Jesus and given my life to him. I have preached on three continents and once on TV. I have seen more in my life than most people will ever see and I am not even 30 yet. I have loved and I have lost, I have made huge mistakes and I have changed people's lives for the better. I know more than I did then about almost everything except perhaps MSN and My space!
I suppose in many ways my life now is not what I imagined it would be. I am not married I don't even have a career well not in the conventional sense in fact I have turned down more career opportunities than I have taken. Doors that have shut of their own accord or because they weren't right or because God had something better.

Yes they say a picture says a thousand words but it also hides some.
Take this picture of me at university in my halls first year ( right) this smile hides the fact by this point I had attempted suicide many times and I was up to my eyeballs on anti depressants and barely eating anything. That I was in an abusive and destructive relationship desperate for love and connection. I was convinced they would realise I was a fraud and a fake who got into university by dumb luck and had a learning difficulty which no one understood I barely did at the time. But of course you don't see that do you not in that smile. I am no longer in that position. For that I am thankful. I wasn't a Christian in this photo I didn't truly understand what it meant to be a daughter of God. I was trying to stay afloat in a world which was trying to drown me. That picture in the prom dress came after I lost a lot of family and friends that year through death. Two grandparents in one weekend. Another close relative on the day of my geography and maths exams. Knowing that taints the picture right The smile goes from natural to fake in your mind.

It made me wonder of all the people I have as friends on social media of all the people I meet how many are dressing the windows so no one will look too closely inside the house. Most people I look at the pictures on Facebook and I buy it. Between the proposals and baby announcements, moving into a new house and new jobs the shared posts and the weird thoughts It made me realise that maybe a picture does say a thousand words but it doesn't mean those words are the truth. Joy is a choice. Love is a choice. Contentment is a choice. I have long used words as a barrier as a shield. I learned a long time ago if you say a lot and share a lot of yourself people won't ask difficult questions, people will think you are an open book when really the things you keep close to your chest are the things that would be shocking, would be enough to shake them and change their perception of you.

I suppose that I can only say this that God loves the journey. God loves us where we are at and he loves to grow us. He isn't in for short spurts but the long haul. I am a better person than the one who left school I am not that depressed barely alive girl any more. I have changed. I have grown in character and in love. If I could have chosen the route perhaps this wouldn't have been the way I would have chosen but the process that has made me who I am and who knows maybe when I look at more recent pictures like this one (left) taken this summer. I will be able to say that I am glad I have grown and that I know who I am now, that I love everything that God has taught me and that I trust his road. Who knows what 2016 will bring and who knows what I will learn but I am in it for the journey wherever God may lead me.

Why celebrate the Fifth of November?

Remember, remember the fifth of November: gunpowder treason and plot....

So all commercial hell ( if you take some people's view quite literally) breaks out over Halloween its ghoulish spooky and dark supposedly the celebration of a pagan festival marking the end of summer and then five days later there is 'fireworks night' a night when we light fireworks and look at them because well someone tried to blow up the houses of parliament in 1605. To be honest if the spy master ( think head of MI5) of James' the first: Robert Cecil's report of a great quantity of Gunpowder is anything to go by the intent was to blow up more than just the houses of parliament.

In true English tradition we burn an effigy of the guy who tried to burn our king and use the very thing that he intended to use to harm our beloved ( except by Corbinites and the left) Monarchy and institution of government with to celebrate the fact he didn't. It would be like celebrating a failed drive by with shooting the air. I kind of love it. It's sort of poetic and ironic and distinctively British. Yet every year people go all out for Halloween which is essentially celebrating darkness and barely nod to something which defined our history.

This year I was in America for the beginning of July and saw them celebrate their nations independence from ours. It was weird for me watching fireworks on a warm summer evening. One of my politically and historically minded friends asked me this question.
' do you have any days to celebrate your nationhood or independence.'
' not really - I wouldn't count St. George's day really or any of the national saints. Truly we only really have the fifth of November?"

Of course he had no idea what the fifth of November was about and aside from the whole Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the houses of parliament most people don't.

Lets go back to the Sixteenth century and everyone's favourite monarchical family The Tudors. Henry VIII broke away from the church of Rome what we call the Catholic church. so various historians have differing opinions to the extent protestantism took hold in England even up to 1603 but the truth is that the state religion changed three times between Henry's act of reformation in 1533 and Elizabeth I's death in 1603 whiplash-ing between the old Catholic religion and control from Rome by the pope and the newly established Church of England which caused England a great many problems including rebellions, usurpers and wannabe usurpers and the battle with the Spanish Armada  . James succeeded his mother's cousin as king of England ( which united England and Scotland - yes their king came to us so they shouldn't go on about not having a say in the union because their king came to rule over England (and Wales). don't get me started on that can of worms.). James had a problem, Elizabeth had carefully balanced the church with many burnings at the stake of Catholics and forced outward conformity the problem of religious freedom and the lack thereof was a problem to the nobles. In 1604 he held a conference at Hampton court palace to try to resolve the issues of religion  the conclusion reached was not well a good compromise to anyone the only good thing that really came out of that conference was the commission of the King James Bible.

So we had a lot of annoyed nobles; the puritans began to make moves towards the new world believing that there would be refuge there. The Catholics did something rather different. Most of the catholic nobles got together under a man named Thomas Percy. They planned to blow up the protestant king; his parliament the protestant nobility and of course the protestant bishops the very people who had come up with such a protestant 'compromise' on the fifth of November 1605 they hired a Dutch explosives expert in by the name of Guindo (guy) Fawkes and put a load of gunpowder in a basement under the place of the country's power. They were found out and arrested and executed ( they even had a group portrait done. so it was really easy to do).

In one sense why should we celebrate something that is long over and long gone. There were plenty of other times in history when things didn't go as planned and we as a nation prevailed  the old pretender's attempt to  regain the throne in the early 1700s, The Spanish Armarda's defeat even our triumph in the battle of Britain in the 1940s.

Why does it matter that Guy fawkes was caught red handed in the basement with the gunpowder? Why celebrate the fifth of  November? I am Brittish I love our union I love that we are one country in our isles. If guy had succeeded in 1605  it is not likely the union would have survived as the Catholics would have assumed power and the young Charles would in all likelihood just taken the Scottish throne not both. So the prevention of the plot protected what was a very young and unstable beginnings of a British union which wouldn't be in law for another 100 years (1707) but still if the plot had worked there would have been no Great Britain and no UK. If the plot had succeeded and the king and all the bishops had died the work on the King James Bible probably wouldn't have been completed and whilst there were English translations at the time namely Tyndale's translation. The KJV Bible was much better researched and written and whilst scholarship on translation and understanding of the original cultures, meaning and language has moved on and advanced and of course the English language was standardised in the eighteenth century so there are better modern translations, the KJV was the definitive bible translation in English for centuries and where people have a bible in their own language available they flourish and learn more of God.

After the gunpowder plot and the execution of the plotters there were almost no further attempts to Re- catholocise the country. Of course the male Stuart monarchs liked to dabble with it but that was it Britain (the big island) and her church ( the people) was truly protestant. It marked a moment of triumph for those who ruled our nations ( we are four nations and one country.). If we think about what made this country the Britian we know today it is the protestant church ( Sorry atheists and other faiths but it is.) the moral and social structures we enjoy are underpinned by the heritage we have in the Anglican church. It is our monarchy and our values like that we don't tolerate terrorism and our uniqueness as a nation being different from Europe. I believe all those things come from and were a direct result of the fact that Guy Fawkes failed in 1605.

Treason is never good, the Americans celebrate the success of their act of treason and we celebrate the foiling of one. Quite poetic.  What Percy and Guy Fawkes tried to do in that basement in 1605 would have ripped apart anything unique and beautiful about England especially. It would have changed the course of history drastically. I celebrate the fifth of November because it is evidence to me of God's providential plan in our history. When we see those fireworks we are celebrating our heritage and that it wasn't taken from us by terrorism. To me that is a reason to celebrate.